Step children during due date

[Mama2baba]

Hi all,

I’m just seeing if anyone has ever been in a simile situation and if they are able to offer any words of advise or help.

I am due to give birth, first baby in approx 3 weeks.

My partner has two children from a previous relationship. Mum is not an easy person to deal with on the whole and their communication is entirely via email due to constant abuse via texts and calls.

Having said all of this, we have the kids 50% of the time.

Mum dictates as and when our schedule changes, which is frustrating as normally it’s to ensure she has the best of both worlds in terms of child care and her me time. Normally, we just rise above it and do what she wants to save the abuse my partner gets when he goes and collects them (police have been involved in the past due to her and her new partner getting a bit over zealous on their front)

We are coming up to Easter and she wants a change to our agreed- and by that I mean via a legal document agreed- timetable again. She wants us to have them a week on/week off based on her work and days she has planned socially.

Usually, we would just do it. I don’t like the idea of my partner having to go to her house to collect the kids and it be hostile or her sending her partner out with a VERY one sided story and intimidating my partner. Or in other cases, demanding he come back at a different time, getting there and advising she is in a different location and to drive there, or being in and just refusing to answer the door until she has finished what she is doing (all have happened in the past). However, her new demand covers the week of my due date. So when we received the email we agreed to what she was demanding (she never asks) but also stated ‘just make sure you’re aware in that particular week I am due, so the kids MIGHT have to come home, but we would keep her in the loop.

We have received a reply whilst we have the kids this weekend stating:

No, I (ex partner) won’t be changing and moving around dates, and to be clear, she/I refuses to work around any schedule we have in mind as it is our problem. She/I will not be taking the children back if or when they are with us, as per our ‘agreement’ (which is actually not the usual agreement) and she is not our babysitter.

There are a few things that mean I’m now on here asking for help:

• Historically, she has refused my mums or my partners mum ‘unsupervised’ time with the children. Has been very vocal and aggressive about this.
• She has said in the past I am not allowed to look after the children without my partner there.
• We are off the normal rota per her demand, not ours.
• My mum has no room to accommodate them even if we wanted to
• My partner’s mum is shielding and extremely vulnerable (also I’m her 70s) lives in a 2 bed house with her adult daughter, so again space issues.
• I don’t have sailings to help.

-Partner’s sibling does not live in the area.

I bet your bottom dollar the baby won’t be here that week anyway. What is making me nervous is this woman is gearing up to her old tricks again. I don’t want to add more examples to the post, but this is standard behaviour and nothing out of the new. it is using the kids to get at their dad. He never bites to her bait, we always consider the kids first and now I feel as though she is using an unborn baby against him and the kids.

I genuinely though that when we told her, she took it really well and this was the start of something new. Turns out, I was wrong. I’d be really grateful if anyone could offer some advise or guidance on how to tackle this.

Thanks all!

It’s very unlikely your baby will arrive on due date, possibly more likely it may happen the week of your due date. My first came naturally at 37 weeks and second not til 41 weeks.

But I think the changing around of the dates is irrelevant. If you have them 50% of the time, the chance of going into labour when they’re with you is pretty high. What are your plans for their care? It sounds like you’ve made it to term without actually thinking about that. You’re going to need someone to help you unless your partner plans to stay home with them and not be there for the birth. Your mum or a friend will need to help, or your partner’s mum (even if shielding she has surely had her first jab?). With my second, I had a home birth so didn’t need childcare (my first was born at home as well), but even then I had someone on standby from about 20 weeks,

What were you going to do for childcare during labour before she changed the schedule?

If they were your own children you'd have to organise something - so do that.

Good question! It’s quite a complicated rota system if I’m honest with you normally. So there are chunks of time where we have them and then chunks we don’t. I’ve tried writing it down about 5 times now and I can’t get it to make sense to explain!
Partner’s sister who lives with mum was going to come to the house and look after them if we needed her to then isolate from mum as the layout of their house would allow that.

Well she doesn’t get to choose who looks after the kids when they are with you. Your dp as their dad is allowed to make those decisions.

If needed can your mum come to your house....sleep on the sofa/your bed......will only be for one night probably?

I think there seems to be lots of questions around what the plan was before the change. Let me try and reword so I can clarify.
The plan was for them to be with mum. She has never allowed us to use childcare of our families and believes that when they are with us, they are there to spend time with dad not other people. There has been occasions where we have left them with relatives for a couple of hours (never overnight) and when she has found out she has refused contact or became extremely aggressive at pick up to the point the police are involved.
My partner’s mum and my mum physically do not have the space to let them sleep- believe me they would love to have them. My Partners 17 year old sister offered to help out. But as I say in original post her mum is in her 70s been shielding (yes had first jab) but pandemic has really effected her mentally and physically. I’m not willing to put a lady of that age under that kind of pressure and stress.

Thanks CovidCorvid,

You are right, just to add to the mix, my mum is a foster carer so that’s why I can’t call on her for overnight stays. Appreciate the problem solving efforts though! xxx

So their mum has previously agreed to have them during labour? Or you were assuming you would go into labour when she had them anyway?

Seams like either your mum comes to your house or your mum goes to the hospital with you. She gets no say in who looks after the children when they are with their father.

You will need to organize a friend then if your DPs sister cant look after them now? We lived in a city with no family when baby number 2 arrived so we had three different friends ready who had all agreed to have number 1 if needed. In the end baby came early when my DM was visiting but we were very prepared.

Just saw your mum can’t do overnight. Yep friend or neighbour it is.

Skeggycaggy

No, it wasn’t an assumption. We gave her due date about 2 months ago when she asked for it.

Thanks everyone,

I think you’re right. Poor kids are going to have to be passed around (if I actually do go that week) to lots of friends.
It’s just a shame for them. Their mum is on half term holidays in lockdown and lives 30 minutes down the road. It all seems a bit spiteful and the only ones who will end up confused and exhausted are them when they spend a load of time with my friends who they barely know.
I’ll get arranging.

Thanks for all the replies x

@mama2baba get your DP arranging too! They are his children, he can sort out his friends to be looking after him. Don't make a rod for your own back especially when you will have your own baby soon, we only have shared children but DP does his fair share.

Maybe your partner should go to court for a permanent arrangement. His ex sounds like a spiteful bully who will keep changing the goalposts to make his life difficult.

Thanks @MiddleParking and @Lemonlemon88
I needed to hear that. I was a bit downcast after the first couple of replies. Thought it must have been me. Glad someone has seen it from my point of view xx

@mama2baba wishing you all the best, it is hard relying on friends so you need to ask all the reliable friends you have between the two of you! With an emphasis on him as they should know some of his friends!

I know this your first but also you do need to be prepared for DP not being able to be there all the time after the baby is born if he needs to think about other children. When DS arrived, DP was there for the labour and delivery then off home for the night (no partners overnight at our hospital) but the next day also had to revolve around our DD and then I was home to the madness of two.

Thank you again. I think you raise a really good point, I appreciate the insight xx

@starrynight21

If they were your own children you'd have to organise something - so do that.

They're not hers! Simple like that!

@Amanda87
Thank you! I felt like nobody was hearing me! If the situation was reversed, If they were mine, they would be being looked after by me whilst my ex-husband was in hospital with his new partner rather than expecting them to get their mates to look after them.