Telling your children ugly truth

[Pummy369]

I don’t know if this is the right place to be asking for advice but I’m desperate. I have a 4 yr old and a 7 year old and neither of them know yet about their 30 year old half-sibling. The 30 year old left home at 15 and after a few years decided to cut me off completely. It’s a lot to do with the money, control and power of his father who hates me and always promised he’d make me pay for leaving him and no doubt somewhat to do with my faults as an extremely young single parent who had no support, came from abuse, who was trying to grow up herself and who wanted to be a good parent but was only a sub-par parent.

After a decade of pain, I’ve accepted he has dis-owned me and Ive since had two children with a lovely man. They have been too young to tell them but I feel the time is coming. Also, I have a few idiots in my family who will sooner or later make that decision for me if I don’t. I’m struggling to know how to tell them. I know they will want to meet him and even though I have reached out to him with photos of them, he hasn’t responded (although I know he’s received them). I know the main reason is that he’s afraid his father will cut him off financially and out of the will if he mends his relationship with me. I know that also he blames me for his broken family.

How do I explain to my kids why they can’t meet him? Why they may never meet him? My young ones are only used to love. They’ve been protected from the harsh world. I don’t want them to take it personally that he doesn’t want to meet them and nor do I want to tell them that he doesn’t like me or that I wasn’t a good parent or that his father hates me - at their age this is not appropriate and also, I am afraid they too will take this belief on and reject me as their older brother has. But they are intelligent and there will be questions.

Please help with suggestions.

You just tell them the bare facts in an age appropriate way whilst trying not to load the conversation with the emotions you feel. Show them pictures, tell them you love him but explain he has a busy life.

Whilst our situation was slightly different my only advice would be that it is better for you to be upfront and honest.

A friend found out he had a step brother when he was in his forties. It was a huge shock and caused a lot of upset and hurt. My friend felt betrayed by his parents for not telling him but luckily the family relationships were restored.

I am afraid I don't know how or when I would tell your dc but I would do it before they become teenagers.

To have a 26 year age gap between the oldest and the youngest must mean you had your first child very young. How long were you in that relationship? Was there an age difference between you and his dad?

If your son is 30 now, surely he could see you without his father knowing?

Similar situation here, my mum told me we didn't see my sister because she lived a long way away and left it at that. She explained when I was an older teenager. I did meet my sister in my twenties. She was nice but we had nothing in common and didn't see each other again. I've not been bothered by it xx

Yeh - I was 17 and just fell pregnant to my first serious boyfriend. We hadn’t been together long and we didn’t stay together long but it was very much me exiting a dysfunctional relationship and not him. He’s 10 years older than me. There’s a weird control thing going on because the Dad is so wealthy - he also isn’t allowed to marry or he will be cut off. He doesn’t have to work and lives off his Dad’s wealth and lives in his house. It is a weird situation but as long as he does as he’s told, he has a Privaleged life. I was a struggling single mother and I always sent him to private schools where he was one of the poorest among his friends. I understand his attraction to his wealth now. He has always craved his father and would do anything for his approval. That will never change. It takes a lot of personal growth and bravery to blast through the childhood dynamics of relationships with parents - especially when parents try to hold you to them. So, it really is messy and complicated. I don’t begrudge him his right to not want me in his life but I feel a bit sad for my young children. They don’t have much family support outside of me and hubby.

Thank you. Ive thought about that but I know I will get follow up questions of “well where does he live?” They are tenacious. I prefer not to be caught in a lie. Before Covid he was half living in Thailand in one of his Dad’s houses anyway so that sort of worked then but of course, he’s currently grounded back in his home city. So it’s the perfect answer for now but could backfire?

Thank you. It’s good advice. I did want to get a show and tell together. I do wonder if my son will accept such a simple explanation. He’s tenacious.

I agree with PP, just tell them the bare minimum in an age appropriate way.

I don't mean this disrespectfully as you were clearly young and in an unhealthy relationship with your oldest son's dad, but I think you're concerned for your younger children is displaced. As you have said, they have only known love. They don't need an older sibling to grow into happy, secure adults. They have you and their dad.

Your older son's situation sounds far more troubling. Obviously it's difficult because he is 30, but not being able to marry isn't normal. Is he in touch with any of your family members who you could speak to fnd out the full picture and, if needed, help him break free of his dad's control?

Photos are a good way to start a conversation.
That's you when you were a baby. That's your little sister/brother and this one's of your big brother. His name is X. He looks a bit like you
Question question...
Yes I had a little boy a long long time ago. He went to live with his dad when he was a boy but he's a grown up man now.
Question question ...
He lives a long way away from us and I don't think he wants to come here.
Why not?
I don't know. It makes me feel sad but he's a grown up man and he knows he can come whenever he wants. I hope you get to meet him one day,

After the initial conversation. shock and questions you can start to 'normalise' the idea. Put your oldest ds's photos up with the other dcs. Bring him up in conversation Oh yes, your big brother used to like football too.

Then one day if he does ever choose to come back he won't feel that he's been erased or unloved.

You seem to know a lot about his reasons for not seeing you and the control his father has over him. Does that mean you do have some contact?

Thank you. I hope you are right. I’m still far from amazing but my life purpose is to be the best parent to my children. They do ok. From all accounts my eldest is living the high life and I’m happy I don’t have to worry about him being homeless etc. He idolises his father and would never risk that relationship. Never.

Thank you for the ideas. My brother is connected to my eldest son’s family through a drug and party culture. He doesn’t see him often directly but close members of his family. So as much as I extended the invitation to him to meet his younger brother and sister, I’m also protective of them and wouldn’t want them to be too close. It’s very complicated and for me now, it’s all about what’s right for my youngest two who are complete innocents.