fussy eating, school dinners, bit stuck on what to do

[chicadelmonton]

hello, our DS who is 11 is changing schools and has a massive sticking point about the new school which is that for the first time he will have to have school dinners. He is an incredibly fussy eater. He has previously been to very small schools where he had to bring a packed lunch. This school is bigger and is very strict on food, not even allowed to bring any snacks on site.

The school have been amazing about welcoming him (it's a mainstream school but one that caters quite specifically for children with dyslexia, DS is extremely dyslexic). I have talked about the lunch issue but they say, well he can always just choose the baked potato or pasta with sauce, but he won't eat either of those things. snack in the morning is a pack of biscuits which he might eat if he's starving and afternoon snack is a sandwich which he won't.

At home he eats very well, because I make him what he wants (only child). Last night I made spag bol because I wanted it and he refused to eat any of it because it's not the sauce he likes on his pasta. This morning he won't eat toast because it's not the right bread. He will eat nothing and just take apples from the bowl. I have known him starve himself for long periods and you can basically see the energy drain out of him. He has no allergies and does eat a lot of things, so long as they are exactly what he wants, even eats sushi and vegetables so long as they're not soggy. He's just really, really fussy.

A new school, bigger than he's been in before (never had a class size bigger than 5), not a specialist school for dyslexia (as before), and he will starve for the first few weeks or however long it takes him.

I wish I could have a redo on this aspect of my parenting but I have 3 weeks till he starts and don't know what to do.

To be honest this might be just what he needs
He has no option here so hopefully the range of different foods will improve his variety of meals moving forward

My daughter is very fussy and now in reception they all get funding for school dinners she begged me for a pack up I refused
Now she'll eat most things it's worked a dream

Hang on in there and just tell him that's what is happening

Why don't you ask the school if he can go for lunch one day before he starts?

tiredmum, I couldn't agree more. It's ok to be a fussy child, but as you get older not so much. It's just that with all the adapting to a completley new environment, it just freaks me out that he will be hungry all day. I have talked to his very helpful form tutor who is going to keep an eye on it. He said he will be giving him a clear message like, you are feeling like this because you didn't eat lunch. The only concession they will make is I can leave a muesli bar with the nurse who will hand it to him if he hasn't eaten anything. Guess what, he doesn't eat muesli bars!

Ask for a menu from the school and start introducing the foods to him, would he help you prepare a meal?

Will he eat plain pasta (no sauce)? Or plain baked potato? If so I imagine the kitchen could do these for him. Is there a cold lunch option which he could pick parts of?

Sounds like sensory issues, this is not “I only like crisps and chocolate”.

Gradually peer pressure may get him trying more stuff but in the meantime the most important thing is that he’s not ravenous.

Will he eat a really substantial breakfast (eg eggs?)

I agree with the comment about it being a sensory issue (perhaps autism?) and if that is the case and they diagnose there should be a policy in place to support children in this situation

I found it was like the dummy

I had to go cold turkey bit my children were a lot younger - very aware at this age it's more challenging

Do this school have a good/ school dinners policy?

Thank you all so much for posting.

I have the two week menu plan and it looks fantastic, really varied and well balanced. DS will hate it. He doesn't eat baked potatoes (yet).

The school has really good food and all the teachers are very supportive. Obviously they would never make him eat something (flashbacks to primary school sitting in front of mushy peas) they are just going to explain to him that he has to eat to have energy.

They are just amazing all round really, very nurturing.

There could be a sensory aspect and I did mention this to them. It does happen with the extreme end of dyslexia. He does not have any autism traits at all, and has obviously been tested a lot in specialist schools.

He had to stay over two nights at a friends house once he didn't eat anything at all. I picked him up all smiles and the second we got out the door he dropped to the ground panicking for food.

BUT he went on the school 4-day activity trip and apparently ate.

So it probably has a lot to do with me.

The school change is a problem in itself, he doesn't want to leave where he is (although he has to really, it's not the sort of school where you can stay on unless you have more broad difficulties). He is very negative about the new school.

It's just going to take a while and be a bit difficult.

If they can offer one thing he eats happily just for the first few weeks while he settles, that will make a massive difference to him I reckon. One less thing to hate about the new school. Then once he is more settled (hopefully) you can work on broadening the food.

What does he eat at home? There must be something they could offer fairly easily, even if it’s not what we might deem a meal, eg plain pasta or rice? Cheese apple and crackers? Don’t suppose there is a tinned soup he eats is there? (You could supply?)
They would have to provide a separate meal for eg some strict religions or vegans, and allergies, so don’t feel bad about requesting something different especially if it’s simple.

OP please dont be hard on yourself, in all likelihood it's nothing at all to do with your parenting! Me and my siblings had the same food growing up, my DB wouldn't eat anything other than a few things though by the time he got to secondary, nothing was done differently, just the way he was (he eats everything now).

Are the school aware of your worries? No doubt they have encountered this type of thing a lot in the past, and also the challenges of anyone starting a new school, let alone if they are reluctant to leave their old school. See what support they can offer both you and your DS maybe?

What does he eat? What are his safe foods?

I would say that 'fussy' eating can often be described as an eating disorder. I was probably in my late 20s when I realised I have neophobia about food. Before that I was just 'fussy'.
Send him with a packed lunch. He has to eat. If that's what he will eat that's what he should eat. The schools job is to educate and take care of the well-being of them children in their care. Insisting on eating food that a person can not physically it mentally eat is very very wrong.

I'd give him a proper breakfast like eggs on toast, glass of whole milk and fruit (or equivalent he will eat). Is there a snack you can leave with the nurse that he will eat?

DS 14 usually doesn't eat at school as he doesn't bother to take anything. He wouldn't eat school dinners either (will occasionally buy a chicken wrap or hot chocolate). Baked potato or plain pasta wouldn't help as it's bland food that he doesn't like.

When he had a packed lunch, what did you send?

Can he have the option of an apple instead of a sandwich for snack?

In the settling in period, the school is aware and will encourage him, and you are aware and are responsible for making sure he has a good breakfast and a nutritious dinner. He won’t starve if you’re feeding him well enough at home, so make sure in the transition period that you have the ‘right’ bread in at home, and cook the safe meals with the pasta sauce he prefers.

Don’t make a big deal to him about the school food. Keep any of that low key - no ‘if you’re starving you can see the nurse for a safe snack’ etc. Just school snacks and dinners are what’s on offer, here’s the menu (stick it on the fridge so he knows what to expect), and feed him well at home.

As you say, you know he’s going to struggle with the transition, but you know he can eat on school trips etc. Make sure you’re not hanging your own anxiety on this issue. Just keep it low key and see what happens.

From the school’s POV they don’t know yet if you’re the type of parent who panders and he’s the type of kid who plays that to his advantage or if he’s genuinely so restrictive in his preferences due to issues outside ‘fussiness’ that allowances need to be made. So if they’re very nurturing give them a chance to start as they mean to continue, and if there is a persistent issue then tackle it at that point. He may surprise you - or he may not. But just try to remain unstressed yourself by it.

Thanks so much for this advice.

@nosquirrels, thank you so much for your informative posts. It hadn't occurred to me that the school can do more but need to assess the situation first. I have said to them that I believe he will start eating but that it might take a while. I agree I should play it down. I've tried to discuss it with him but he just gets upset so I'm just leaving it for now until I know what problem I actually have to deal with.

@Sansaplans - it's good to know children grow out of fussiness! The school are bending over backwards and I have had zoom calls with his form teacher to discuss this (and other things obviously) but they hold very firm on the no food from home line. They have boarders too so I suppose it would look bad.

@kowari I'm hoping I can leave an apple and some sort of energy bar (working on this) with the nurse. Does your DS not get starving during the day? DS will happily skip lunch at home but it's a very active school with lots of outdoor stuff so I imagine he's going to start to flag.

At his previous school I used to send a grilled chicken breast with carrot sticks, an apple, a piece of cheddar, parma ham, pitta bread (just for show, he didn't eat it) and a packet of twiglets.

@Ilovemaisie that's interesting. He does have a fear of new foods, and a very emotional reaction to not getting the foods he wants.

For breakfast he'll eat maybe 1 or 2 weetabix (1 per bowl ) or cocoa with whole milk and bacon, so that's kind of ok.

@chicadelmonton DS is a reader and a gamer, he's used to not eating for hours if he's otherwise occupied! He makes up for it after school. There is food available for him to take if he wanted though, I do think it's different that he has the option and is choosing not to, unlike your DS.

I suppose it's relevant too, that he took a long time to start eating. First year he was EBF, loved that, then he only had milk, first in a bottle then later in a cup, tbh he got most of his calories from milk until he was at least 3 and for a long time after. He would always eat meat, vegetables, fish, but more as a snack. Milk was the main meal. He was so happy and has always been tall for his age and strong, so I wasn't worried.

@kowari DS loves gaming too, he would wear nappies if it was an option!

@chicadelmonton I agree about feeding your DS as much as you can at home! My 9 yo twin boys are really struggling with school lunches atm, in spite of happily eating a very healthy and varied diet generally. I’m currently giving them bacon and eggs/bacon rolls, pancakes and loads of fruit for breakfast, then they have endless snacks after school, as well as dinner, right up to bedtime. It’s annoying, but seems like the only option at the moment. They do so much sport and are just solid muscle, I think they need it. Hopefully as the days go by your DS will find some school food options that work for him, but as a PP said, he’s not going to starve if you are feeding him food that he likes at home. There’s no point stressing yourselves out about it in advance. It sounds like the school are really trying to help, so that’s very positive. Good luck!

I have a 10 y o with ARFID. He currently eats and drinks nothing in school, though adjustments have been made. You might want to look into the condition as pressure and battles make.it worse, and these kids will actually starve themselves if their safe foods or eating conditions are unavailable.

@chicadelmonton
www.arfidawarenessuk.org/

My kid eats from hometime till bedtime but a v limited range

I’d go and see your GP to look into getting a referral to find out if there is anything behind the reason for why he eats what he does. Ultimately go down the route of Selective Eating Disorder if nothing else comes up. With a diagnoses, the school will need to do more. Good luck.

Selective Eating Disorder or SED is the old name for ARFID
Officially classified as an eating disorder in 2013 but not always acknowledged

I just thought I would update this thread as you were all so incredibly supportive. DS has been having lunches for nearly half a term now and has said very little about it. They always have plain pasta or rice so he says he has that, the vegetables and the pudding sometimes if he likes it. The school expressed concerns at the beginning that he was only eating 'white' food but nothing since then, so I'm assuming things are ok. Thanks everyone.