Upset that MIL (childcare bubble) breaks all the covid rules

[Mummy1608]

Just want to get some sympathy and to hear that I'm not being completely unreasonable...I'm just so upset.

We live in the south of UK and in laws live in the North. (My family abroad). We currently have no help with childcare and my baby is 7 months, so we've invited my MIL once before now to visit for a few days to "give me a break".

There are all the usual minor MIL problems like she is opinionated about my parenting decisions, jealous of baby cuddles time, and has old fashioned non-scientific views on babycare ("well I've had 3 kids and they all turned out fine" etc). All fine really and she means well and mucks in with housework, brings food for our freezer etc and up till now I've been very grateful.

But she doesn't "believe" in covid restrictions and has flagrantly met up with groups of extended family indoors. Last time she came (in Feb I think) she told me about meetups she'd recently had and, for example, how she has the NHS tracking app but won't turn it on because "what's the point". I said, I wish you would turn it on and she laughed it off.

She arrived today and told me how she baked a cake for her sister's birthday and showed me a photo of the party (indoors) with (at least) 4 couples from different households. Kept going on about how the restrictions are unnecessary and "none of us are ill". But what made me actually angry was that she still hadn't turned her covid app on! It's such a tiny click that would have (slightly) made me feel better, at no cost to herself!

I just think if everyone in society was as selfish as her and her friends, the covid situation would be (even) worse. And upset that she would put us and our baby at unnecessary risk just because she wants to have baby cuddles but not curtail her social life. I blurted out to her just now that we wouldn't have invited her if we'd known she'd just been to a party. A few months ago we amicably de-bubbled with a close friend who lives alone, because she wanted to bend the rules and keep dating. I didn't want to keep bubbling with her if she broke the rules. And now my MIL turns up having broken them way worse!

Please hold my hand, mumsnet. I'm so upset 😥

Ps my DH knows I just had an argument with her. He's the soft spoken type who hates confrontations. It remains to be seen if he'll talk to her. I know he agrees with me but he hates arguments. Aaargh

How long is she providing childcare for? Seems strange to have a bubble of that nature with someone who lives so far away.

Regardless, I don’t think YABU to be annoyed at her lack of compliance with the guidance. She is putting you at risk as a result. I’d personally ask her to leave but I appreciate that’s extreme and may not be possible if you need the childcare.

My eyes glaze over when I read 'selfish'. Can't get worked up about what adults are choosing to do. This has gone on long enough. If you're upset and don't want her there then don't have her there.

Funny how we were all fine with people passing round influenza and whatnot but freak out over this.

Meh...YABU

Look, you do you.

If that means she isnt part of your bubble and you dont invite her again so be it

But in all honestly maybe you could use the break and relax a bit

But at the end of it all is this really worth damaging a decent relationship over?

But at the end of it all is this really worth damaging a decent relationship over?

Indeed, this is the main point, you are right, it isn't. And I'm certainly not going to ask her to leave. Her visit is just for a long weekend.

It's just going to add to the drip drip of resentment and dislike that I'm already feeling about her. And it's tough having an unwelcome guest in the house. Never mind!

Thanks everyone for the input, even those saying YABU, it's helped me calm down and see different points of view. I haven't changed my mind that she's wrong to flout the restrictions so much, but I'm not going to argue with her about it and I'll try to subtly postpone her next visit.

Turf her out of your bubble. Calmly without much fuss. DH should be the one to tell her not to come by for a while.

You can see her once you’ve all been vaccinated. She’s putting you at risk and breaking the law.

YANBU. Personally, COVID has really helped me to see which of my friends and family I'm actually aligned with on the moral compass, so to speak. MY view - and I understand and respect that others are entitled to very different ones - is that the rules are evidence-backed, reliant on a collective effort (or else they'd be even stricter!), and should be followed in order to protect those around you if not yourself. Thankfully the majority of my friends and family also agree; I've been very clear to those that don't that I therefore don't think it's appropriate for us to physically meet up in any way whilst they maintain their views and continue breaking rules. This is a pandemic and many of these rules are laws - I think it's perfectly reasonable to require a choice between that kind of rule-breaking social life, and seeing her grandchild.

Well you can’t be in a bubble with someone who isn’t upholding their part of the bubble. So just ask her to go home.

I think you need to find somebody else to 'give you a break' who fits around your expectations. I feel the same as a pp after a year of this its enough, if you do not like that then you don't HAVE to invite her over. Your post makes it sound like you are using her for childcare, housework and cooking.

I agree with @BertiesMangos

It must have been really tough for you having your first child during a pandemic. No opportunity for you to go to baby groups, soft play, make mum friends etc. So I can understand why you asked her to form a bubble with you. I wouldn't want to form a bubble with someone refusing to keep to the rules, especially with the massive rule breaking.

Now the weather has getting better, and some rules are being relaxed, I hope things get easier for you.

few months ago we amicably de-bubbled with a close friend who lives alone, because she wanted to bend the rules and keep dating.

But you are breaking the rules too by having lots of bubbles! People in glass houses and all that...

I have a 14 month old whom I have never had a break from, along with a 4 and 6 year old. Part of the reason being that anyone I would normally ask to mind them can't, as either I dont feel they are being as careful as they could be or they just have too much contact with others due to work etc. for me to be comfortable.

You can't ask someone to do as you want so you can have a childcare bubble on your terms. Each adult is responsible for their own handling of this. Its very simple, if you don't like how someone is acting then don't have any physical contact with them. Then you have to deal with the consequences of your choice.

I understand how difficult it is, my 14 month old still doesn't sleep consistently through the night and it is painful trying to think of things to do with them when you really can't go anywhere but we are in a pandemic and just have to muddle through. Sorry OP.

Tbh you lost me at you invited her to give you a break- so not to see her just to be unpaid help and then you criticise her for mixing, sorry OP YABU she’s an adult with her own mind and life, not your nannny on standby

To be fair, she's probably more at risk than you. Let her live her life. It's hard on everyone. The risk is minuscule now

@PotteringAlong

few months ago we amicably de-bubbled with a close friend who lives alone, because she wanted to bend the rules and keep dating.

But you are breaking the rules too by having lots of bubbles! People in glass houses and all that...

This was my thought. The bellow passage is from the Gov website on childcare bubble. You can only use a childcare bubble for childcare. You cannot use a childcare bubble to mix with another household for any other reason. This means you cannot use a childcare bubble to meet socially with another household. The scenario you have described is not a childcare bubble. It a visit from your MIL which is not allowed. I honestly dont really care it's been a tough year and having a baby in a pandemic sucks but if your going to go on a big rant about people not following rules your being rather hypocritical.

Also unless there is some big drop feed about 1 of you having some major underlying health condition she is the one most at risk in this senario.

Hello!

I'm completely with you on this one. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I would be very angry if I was you and would make DH tell her she can't see the baby.
Personally, my baby is 5 months old and our families haven't met her yet. They all live far away and we didn't think it was safe for them or for us to do so. There isn't enough data yet to tell us what the long term effects of this virus are but it's not a simple flu, it can and does leave damage. It's not unreasonable to want to protect your child, it's your responsibility.
If people can't follow the rules, they're picking not to see the baby. They have a choice.

Good luck!

@PotteringAlong

few months ago we amicably de-bubbled with a close friend who lives alone, because she wanted to bend the rules and keep dating.

But you are breaking the rules too by having lots of bubbles! People in glass houses and all that...

I'm sorry I wasn't clear. My MIL has only visited once before in lockdown, in February, months after I de-bubbled with friend A. You can switch bubbles if you leave 11 days between.

For those who say I'm "using" her, really, you've misunderstood (which is perhaps becauseI was unclear). I'd much rather she never came. She rings us and begs to come constantly to see my DD. The "childcare bubble" is a phrase she coined as a way of convincing us it's legit that she can come. We have no other help and no family nearer by. My DH says it will give me a break, but I'm more tense when she's here because constantly having to listen to her opinionated little "suggestions" (why haven't you started solids yet, you cuddle her too much, you don't read enough books to her, you don't need to sterilise X, etc etc). Yes she helps with housework a bit while she's here. Because we are frazzled new parents and she's nice. I'm not "using" her...!

@BertiesMangos

YANBU. Personally, COVID has really helped me to see which of my friends and family I'm actually aligned with on the moral compass, so to speak. MY view - and I understand and respect that others are entitled to very different ones - is that the rules are evidence-backed, reliant on a collective effort (or else they'd be even stricter!), and should be followed in order to protect those around you if not yourself. Thankfully the majority of my friends and family also agree; I've been very clear to those that don't that I therefore don't think it's appropriate for us to physically meet up in any way whilst they maintain their views and continue breaking rules. This is a pandemic and many of these rules are laws - I think it's perfectly reasonable to require a choice between that kind of rule-breaking social life, and seeing her grandchild.

Yes this is just how I feel about it, but it seems we are in minority I guess.

It is all interesting though, so thank you everyone for your input

If people can't follow the rules, they're picking not to see the baby. They have a choice.

I really, really want DH to see it this way

I fully understand, OP, and I would be the same in your circumstances.

It's a support bubble which is perfectly legal as long as your baby was under 1 on 2nd Dec. But completely up to you on whether to form one or who to form one with! You are also allowed to change your bubble but have to leave a (10 day? Can't remember) gap in between. So OP isn't doing anything wrong here, although MIL is.

Covid has revealed there are a lot people out there who struggle to think bigger than themselves. They have the luxury of being indifferent because the majority of others do their best to play by the rules and make it safer for them.