Very anxious 2 (nearly 3) year old daughter

[SecretGarden32]

Hi,
I am at a bit of a loss with my daughter and would really appreciate some help and guidance. Sorry its a long one! She is 3 in may.
Shes an amazing girl, always been very active and on the go, happy going out and about, did lots of groups and generally very confident and talkative, with a sensitive side but managable.

A few months back she had a couple of wobbles. We went to a new group, something she would normally love but during the session became increasingly agitated and upset, saying she wanted to go home, crying, can we go back to the car, trying to leave. Able to be distracted for short periods but would quickly get very upset again. she did setttle after about 45 mins and we left at the end...dont know how! She would get a bit anxious about hearing diggers and not want to go where she had heard them but been mostly fine and managable. We had started settling her in to a nursery one morning a week and she had done one hour there alone which she loved but very unfortunatly this stopped due to lockdown. The past 2-3 weeks we have had a number of incidents similar to the first, but worse and now most places we go she varies from mild worry and asking if we can go to more panicked episodes where she is crying and very agitated. Noise worry seems to be a trigger at times. We heard some fairly distant bird scares which unsettled her at first. in general I try to acknowledge it so she knows she is heard, oh yea, thats is a bit scary, but explain it and try and tell her its nothing to worry about, be calm and then distact with doing something else. She then started crying and frantically picking up sticks as though to comfort herself in some way. The sticks suddenly took on this huge importance and she was picking up every one she could but whilst still crying and wanting to go home/to the car. ( we had a lot of sticks!) She got panicked about the dog and was calling her to come back to the car with us. She then quickly settled once back at the car. We went to her nanas for a walk and on the walk became increasingly upset and wanting to go home. Got back to nanas and she settled for a bit but still unsettled. We went home (whilst she was calm and not asking to leave) got home and she had a big meltdown, throwing her self down (not normal for her) crying wanting to go back to nanas and was sick due to getting so worked up. We went to the playground yesterday and she managed 10 mins on her bike before becoming unsettled wanting to go home. Today has really worried and upset me. I had got her in the garden (somthing she has slowly got less keen on but mostly still enjoys) There was some noise coming from a neighbor's house, she asked what it was and seemed ok but then became increasingly upset in general. We took her favourite house toys out (kinetic sand) but it then scatterd a bit on the floor and she bacame obsessed and paniked about picking up every crumb she could and taking it back inside. She then statred to pick up other things to bring inside to "saftey"
Its really breaking my heart. I understand she may be more of a sensitive child but this feels extreme and is impacting on her quality of life and her world is becoming so small, i really dont want this to get worse.

She is due to start at the nursery after easter for one morning a week but im worried she now wont cope. It would be good to know if this is a stage, any resource or books to read. How to best handle the situations. I dont want to validate her irrational feelings by going home or inside but i dont want to turn been out in to a traumatic experience which she will then avoid more. I am continuing to take her out every day, even if we only stay as short while. Thank you very much for reading!

Was there an obvious trigger to her behaving like this? Like a death of a loved one or something?

I’m by no means any sort of expert but I would suggest continuing what you are doing for now and keep exposing her to different situations, but following her lead. Has she got any friends you could meet out in a playground which may distract her?

Is it worth calling a HV or GP for professional
Advice?

It must be very scary to small people that have had their world very limited for the past year. One thing that might help is Pecs type cards? Give her a social story of 'now we will do this then next we do this'. It gives her some control over what happens in her day to know. Google both pecs and now and next social stories.

There hasnt been any changes that i can think of, like you say no deaths or big change to routine etc
Yes i am planning to meet with a little friend of hers in the next couple of weeks so fingers crossed she will be a good influence and they can have some fun together. Thank you, yes i will keep going out with her. I figure as long as we leave the house and she doesnt have a bad time its a win! lol

Poor you, that sounds hard.

I know it's not the same but my 3 year old can get upset and worries about sounds. The blender or really noisy lawn mowers. For the vacuum cleaner he likes to be buried under my weighted blanket and I count down before turning it on. For other noises he asks for his 'headphones' which are ear protectors we got for fireworks night. Once he has those on he is fine. Maybe you could get some for your daughter? And say 'If any loud noises worry you, put these on and they will help you feel better'? Sorry if that's no help.

Also, I'm sure you have tried this, if mine starts getting upset and wants to go, we go pick a quiet spot for a 'picnic' and I always pack a couple of snacks and a drink. This let's him have a quiet break e.g. at the busy park, but he might go back to playing or at least stay a little longer each time. Maybe a couple of books taken to new groups where you can go away and sit together and just have a calm people watching time?

Also I never show worry or concern about a noise, I just say 'oh wow, what's that?! How exciting, can you see what that was' etc. Not trying to patronize you as I'm sure you will have tried this already, but just wanted to share what works with a fellow worrier child.

Have you heard of mindful monsters? I haven't used them but people have told me they are great for helping children cope with overwhelming feelings.

Hopefully you get some more helpful advice soon

ooh yes, i like the sound of the pecs cards. Having something to physically show her what is going to be happening and that we can take with us sounds really good, thank you. Yea it must be mustn't it, im sure we are not alone.

Thank you, yes they are very helpfull practical tips which is just what we need! its funny because she doesnt seem noise sesitive to loud noises as a rule, a loud bus can pass her close by and she bangs away on her drum! with no worry lol (which i didnt put in the post) it is often beeping noises like the ones on a washing machine when it stops, or if she just doesnt know what it is. I will research mindfull monsters too. Feel better already having some things i can do with her to help just so hard in the moment isnt it.

Oh yes noises like the fire alarm going off can be really scary for mine but a fire engine is fine cos he can see it. It is useful to have the earprotectors even just to make me feel like I'm doing something to make things better.

I think all we can do is acknowledge their feelings are valid, lots of hugs and hope these kind of phases pass.

If it helps, I thought there was no way mine would enjoy preschool as he had never really been apart from me and screamed if I left... yes we had a tearful week or so but honestly he loves it now and settled in much faster than expected. He barely says bye now 😆 so it may not necessarily be so bad when she goes again ☺

Poor wee mite. She's having a hard time. One morning a week at Nursery would be tricky for even a very sociable child, it's a few hours of getting to know people and places and then over for another week. Very difficult to build relationships. Most Nurseries would not recommend less than two sessions (one whole day or two half days) a week for these reasons. Sounds like your little girl would find this too hard at this time.

I was just going to say the same as PP I would really consider 2 days a week minimum at nursery. Most nurseries don't allow less than 2 days a week and it can be especially hard to settle children in if they're only there once a week. Considering your daughter is so sensitive I would say this could turn out to be especially true and so I would say 2 non-consecutive days is likely a better pattern to settle her in faster.

So we had a really good afternoon yesterday we went to the playground later in the afternoon so it was busy with the children from school home time. She was keen to go over and seemed to really feed off the energy of the other children and even made a little friend. There was one mention of going home but it quickly passed. She was reluctant to go in the garden this morning but the dog was keen to stay out which did upset her. I supportivly rode it out with her and she fairly quickly agreed to stay out and we had a fun morning playing outside. She asked about a few noises but it wasnt a problem for her. I emailed the nursery and we have a plan. We will see how she goes and definatly be looking to up the days in prep for starting school as planned and before that if she is keen

Glad you had a good afternoon ☺️

My just turned 3 year old can become quite fearful in certain situations. I’ve found that ‘role-playing’ what will happen in advance helps a lot. When she started preschool we did a little game over and over again where I pretended to walk with her to preschool, wave bye bye and leave her then she would go with the teacher and then I would go away and then come back again and give her a big hug. It really helps with situations that I know she’s likely to be unsure or frightened of because she knows what to expect.

@SecretGarden32

Hello,

Just wondering if this improved in your little girl? I could have written your post word for word

Thanks

Hi, yes, happy to say It has. She is now in her first year at school and is really enjoying it. Bought it all back reading it again and I remember how stressful and upsetting it was so you have my understanding. What's the situation with your little one?

@SecretGarden32 Thanks so much for replying. My little girl turns 3 next week. She has always been quite confident and happy (albeit with a sensitive side) but over the last month she seems very nervous about lots of things. Yesterday she didn't even want to go in the garden because it was too windy. She also keeps telling me she's scared and worried and this is especially triggered by loud noises. She goes to preschool and I spoke to the staff and they also said they'd noticed a change in her behaviour. I think some of the children play quite roughly and she's fallen over in the garden there a few times so this could be the trigger.

I think I just need to help her build her confidence back up. Any tips?

It is really heartbreaking to see her like this like you said

Yes she sounds very similar, so hard isn't it it's interesting she is a very similar age too.

I got some great advice in the thread I posted so have a look there too if you haven't already.

I think it helped that we continued to do things but didn't push her too much either. Little wins with things, not making a big deal about it is important to I think. Acknowledge how she's feeling but being very cool and calm helps them feel safe I think. Being silly and making a game around things might be helpfull if shes not too worried.. I don't know if she does any clubs or anything but finding something she enjoys could help build her confidence.

I found the janet lansbury podcast called "unruffled" really helpfull. Its very zen..actually pretty relaxing and helped me to find my calm and confidence in moments of high stress and anxiety when she might be upset which in turn really helps them.

It's really helped reading your post. My daughter is 2years 7 months and due to start preschool in April. She's always been shy but at the moment it's worse than ever. We took her for a look round it today before we filled in her application and she was hysterical 😭 it was awful. She's like this with strange places and adults. Yesterday I took her to softplay and she had a great time with 2 other girls.

Did it just get better gradually for your daughter?
Iv felt so upset about the situation today 😟