Exhausted f/time working mum, need advice

[Hamster555]

I'm feeling very fragile, I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted since the 20 hour Labour and the non stop interrupted sleep from the beginning that is still the case now at 20 months old. The lack of sleep I've experienced for me personally has been horrendous and now I'm struggling with what the dr thinks is chronic fatigue, I feel nauseous a lot of the time and a usual walk some days feels like a marathon. We have no family help, I work full time as does husband. Is it normal to have got to a point where I feel like I am really struggling to cope? It's the sheer lack of sleep! What has triggered this being worse is our LG has got a bad cough the dr is aware and she's had it almost 2 wks with the rubbish being present for almost a month. She's being sick with it at night so it's been exhausting sorting bedding etc, they said there is nothing they can do. I feel like trying to balance working FT feeling like this is impossible but OH doesn't think working PT is an option either, I don't know what to do because I feel like I've hit my point of exhaustion, is there anywhere I can go to for advice on this to discuss this in more depth? Sometimes I wish I could just leave my job for a break, using the leave I have left is not enough for how long off I feel I need. Me and OH argue a lot and just feel like there is no part of my life anymore that I enjoy at all except for my lovely daughter who I only see for snatched time in the evenings and at wknds which by time I've got to the wknd I'm exhausted from working etc and feel like it's so hard to keep up with her all wknd & it's back to work again, feeling so depressed like ground hog day and this lockdown is making it so much harder, just so uncertain about all of this and what best to do 😓

Continuation, the other issue is OH snores which irritates me so much when sleep is so precious and I feel I just need sleep to survive but his concern is sleeping seperately is putting strain on our marriage as we don't spend time together, I totally understand this but I feel sleep is so important to me more than this and this is how bad it has got. He's suggested a few times that our marriage is going down the tubes and sometimes I wonder what other options there would be if we separated. I wonder if it's possible even if it's just a flat I can afford to not have a mortgage at all on to buy outright to take some time off with my daughter for a year or 2 to just enjoy this time with her before she starts school properly. I feel like I will never get this time back again and it's bothering me, I don't even think that would be an option as how would I pay for my basic bills without any income i guess I'd have to claim support for that time until I returned back to work but I don't think thats possible! Just got so many things swirling around my head today

You poor thing, you sound totally overstretched. Please don’t make any decisions when this sleep deprived! You need to be able to think things through calmly and rationally, and you won’t be able to do that right now.

My DH sleeps in a separate room at the moment, and he frequently did when our older child was small. While you’re asleep is not exactly quality time! If your DH was in a separate room, would you still spend some time with him before going to sleep? What about sleeping apart during the week and together at weekends?

Is your DH doing what he can to allow you to nap at weekends and catch up on a bit of sleep? Have you asked him to? It would be totally reasonable for him to commit to taking your DD out for 2 hours each weekend day so you can get a block of sleep. Then you commit to 2 hours that he can have without interruptions to do whatever he wants to do (and you can’t complain or restrict him about what he does). The weather is warm enough that he could take her out for a walk to a not-too-close park, push her on the swings a bit, and read a book and have a snack on a bench and then come back.

Small practical tip for sheets - put on DDs bed a waterproof, then a normal, then a waterproof then a normal sheet. That way you just have to take off the top two layers when she’s sick and the next ones are ready underneath - saves so much hassle at night. If she’s sick again, just mop up the worst and swap her to the other end of the bed so she’s not sleeping on it....

What are the reasons for not going part time? Is it financial? These decisions are really difficult to make, but can you make it work if you really have to? E.g. reduce mortgage payments? Or is it totally impossible to go part time?

Regarding your daughters cough, what has the doctor tried? Sometimes you really have to keep pushing to get a resolution. If she’s got rubbish on her chest still, even if it wasn’t originally infected I bet it will be by now.

I get the exhaustion. I’m a sahm now but I worked until my first DD was 2 years old. I now have a reception aged child and 20 month old. It is really hard when they are so tiny. For me things got much easier with sleep when DD1 dropped her nap.

These are the things which help me;

• DH pulling his weight. Not helping out but doing half including nights, mental load, clothes shopping, dentist all that jazz
• Go to bed at the same time as your child when they are ill and severs times a week
• cosleeping worked better for us
• nap at weekends
• drop your standards for everything
• ready meals if possible (my kids have allergies so it’s not for us) batching cooking or simply cook twice as much and have the same meal twice in a row. Easy meal baked potato and tuna, bean on toast. Frozen veg. The early years are survival
• a cleaner or a robot hoover
• Amazon prime and subscribe and save
• online food shopping

Some people like those meal kit subscriptions

• take a decent multivitamin
• take time on a Sunday to get out your work clothes on hangers in your wardrobe so you just grab a hanger and get dressed.
• routines for everything cleaning shopping, at home date night, a night just for you.
• everything on shared calendar

Thank you both so much for such comprehensive replies and your understanding too! I've just been abs overwhelmed with exhaustion it's really horrible and just can't believe how long it's gone on for! I clearly didn't have a clue when I had her but the books I'd read said the first 4-6 months are the hardest in terms of sleep then it gets easier, it got about 10 times harder, at least that's how it's felt anyway 😓

My OH helps where he can but is also feeling the pinch on the sleep front and finds it hard keeping her entertained as she's quite Velcro too and can be somewhat whiny which makes it more difficult for him, I'll just be so glad when things improve.

Thank you both for such amazing tips and there are feifneitly a few things there I didn't think of like the sleeping all wk sep to get survival sleep in, although OH wasn't that keen but I've told him sort his snoring out and maybe I wouldn't be so put off as I've got him and my daughter waking me up!

Did you both feel like this yourselves then in the first 2 year?? Please tell me it's starts to get easier at some point soon! X x x

No excuse for your DP to find it hard to entertain your dc. If he takes her out the house you will not hear her whining. Please don’t become a martyr as that’ll not help anyone.
It is exhausting no doubt about it with help or not.
I would often go to bed at 8.30pm when my dc were young as that’s the only way I’d get enough sleep.
I guess looking at your work options also takes in commuting times/ childcare drop off etc.
It does get better as they get older so hang in there

@giggly oh I'm def up for him taking her out, there is just generally some issue with him taking her like the whole well I'm exhausted too sorting the other stuff out, when he says that he means things like washing the cars and her washing the bloody drive way on the wknd which pees me off so much when that time I could be resting whilst he takes her!! I should have known what he'd be like before we had her as nothings changed. I tell him no one else gives a shit about these things except him, and although it's admirable wanting to keep these things in order when your OH is exhausted he should be offering that time
On the wknd to help me and he very rarely will day you're really knackered aren't you I'll take her, I think he just hoped that I'd sort of do everything for her and found that it isn't really like that. He will offer be mostly at the point when I've lost the plot and said I'm almost dead with tiredness, he has very rarely looked at me and thought she is knackered and then said I'm taking her out for a couple of hours or even an hour, he has to be reminded or told! Really pisses me off xx

• jet washing

I suppose in a sense he's a man and I shouldnt expect much more but it's like consideration isn't it! I know what I'd be doing if it was the other way round. He is very good in other ways but sometimes his sense of duty with keeping the house in order I find really irritating because tbh I couldn't care less atm, I just need to survive!! He won't get a cleaner as he says he's happy to do it himself every few wks but then as he sorts the dog out I do get the occasional, I'm doing everything! I am honestly doing as much as I can. I did devise a rota and I'm considering bringing it back to stop the bickering. Sometimes I just feel I'd find it less hassle althohhh harder in some respects doing this on my own 🧐

Do you have a spare room? Or one of you sleep with the toddler and the other go to bed with ear plugs? Alternate a night on kid duty/night of full sleep.

Weekends similarly, split your time - you have a lie in on Saturday, have lunch together and you be on child duty in the afternoon so he can wash the car. Sunday he can have a lie in and then takes toddler out on Sunday afternoon.

Just get a cleaner. You’re both working full time.

Why are you asking to get a cleaner when he has failed to help round the house. Just go ahead and do it. I had similar shit from my exdh so I stopped washing and ironing his clothes (in fact I don’t iron any clothes now) and the weeks when he was too tired/ forgot to cook would just make myself food. Petty but it worked. Quite frankly if he is more interested in cleaning the cars you have a lot more to worry about than tiredness.
Who does nursery drop off / pick up?
Drop your standards dramatically until you get help.

You have to get away from this idea that he is “helping” you. You both work FT. Your daughter is a joint responsibility. We have a two year old and I know that doing jobs round the house and outside - mowing the lawn, cleaning, sorting the shed, washing the car etc - are comparatively relaxing because although it’s still “work” you can pop your headphones in and listen to a podcast etc whereas looking after a toddler is relentless. He doesn’t get to choose who does what - why are you automatically on childcare duty at the weekends and he gets to decide that he’s washing the drive or whatever?

@crazychemist That tip on the sheets! Brilliant idea! Going to set that up tonight, will make it so much easier at night, some great tips, thank you and you're right I am so sleep deprived I need to give my brain a test before I make any decisions as things seem so much more worse and you can get so much more fired up when you feel like death! X x

@Thatwentbadly So many helpful tips! I'm going to read these thoroughly tonight! Thank you, so much appreciated! X x x

@giggly Exactly! I said the same that he can't be shattered like me as it'd be last bloody thing on my mind! I do most of the drop offs and pick ups and were both home working but he does sort the dog for his walks morning and evening atm, just got to watch out the at things are fair x x

You just have to think about some small changes. Like getting a cleaner. Which will help a bit. Take turns for lie in at weekends.

I think you need to tell him what you need. He clearly can't recognise that you're on your knees with tiredness so could you say 'DH tomorrow morning I need you to take DD to the park until lunch so I can get some sleep?'

Can you get a nap in whilst wfh on a break?

Also yes to a cleaner and also a rota for other chores, that way H will see that as well as the cars there are a million other things to do.

Welcome to parenthood!!!

@SecondBabyGirl So true! I would take mowing the lawn and cleaning the cars over a toddler most days atm!! 😂 He's always done these jobs as he can be a tad ott with attention to detail about things being a certain way!! I have said tho last time I did that rota all jobs are up for discussion I can push a mower around the garden & do all the things he does I really don't care as long as things are fair in manner of our shared responsibility. Def going to have to get that rota going again! Thanks for reminding me 😉👍

@larrythelizard Yep he certainly has a way of not seeing the bloody obvious!!! But yes all very good points I need to remind myself on, thanks a lot, all these comments been so helpful! Been in a fog of parenting gunk not seeing the obvious sometimes x x

@LunaLula83 I know wth was I thinking!!! 🥴😫😂 and some people do it twice, doesn't help out DD is a whirlwind with boundless energy with her own built in Duracell batteries on constant backup generators!!

Thanks everyone such a bloody lifeline all these reminders, got so much here to go at to get things back on track again! 🙏 Thank you! X x x

It sounds like a small ‘strain’ on the marriage, as he calls it, of him shooting off into another room may be hugely beneficial for the short term for you and your mental health though. It wouldn’t be forever just long enough to gather yourself a bit.

When I co sleep with DC and he ends up sideways or whatever, DP drags a single mattress from under the bed and scooches onto that in the middle of the night.

It’s like a fully made up bed but just a mattress pillow and thin duvet. Suits us perfectly, he’s on it 3-4 times a week but at least were in the same room.

Lots of people make compromises in these crazy sleep deprived times, for our own bloody sanity.

I agree with PPs he does need to get involved more, he is not helping you. 50% of the time, day and night, it’s HIS responsibility to jump into action without being asked. If you have to ask, so be it but set times if that works better? You both need time to zone out every week. Jet washing the drive isn’t necessary and IMO is a luxury when there’s so much other stuff to do. I wish I could stand there waving a stick around with absolutely no anxiety about what my kid is about to fall/jump off.

I’m glad they are helpful. I will think about any other small changes we find useful.

• if in doubt over teething give nurofen and anbesol liquid before bed
• cosleeping with a vomiting child, layer the bed underneath you with towels. Then you only need to get your partner to put the top sick ones in the bath to deal with tomorrow.
• for the rota sit down together- writing the rota shouldn’t be another job for you - a write a list of all that daily (empty dishwasher, make dinner), weekly (takes out bins), monthly (buying and sending birthday cards) and occasional job (new clothes for child) and after each one write down how long they take. Make sure you both do the same amount
• new clothes for the child choose one shop/supermarket and buy all of their next size clothes from there online in one go
• when he takes your daughter out at the weekend he needs to do all the thinking where to go, snack to take and packing the bag. If he asks for the first couple of weeks give suggestions and then every time he asks say ‘I don’t know. What do you think?’

Sleeping apart saved me from seriously injuring my snoring pig of a husband at the height of sleep deprivation. I highly recommend it to save your marriage. Poor sleep affects everything. Get a good night on your own now and again, it will make all the difference to how you feel.