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Parenting

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Original poster

Competitive 'loving' of baby/child?!

18 replies

Januaryblue2020 · 22/03/2021 19:43

Bear with me- I might just be sensitive because I had PND in the early days so always feel a guilty about that...

But does anyone find that other mums seem very competitive, not with general parenting-thats a given- but with actually how much they 'love' their child?

Quite often when I'm chatting to other mums with toddlers the same age there's a lot of competitiveness about how much they can't leave them even for a night/how much they cried and missed them when they had to leave them at nursery/ how upsetting it was to watch them have their first jabs etc.

I know everyone parents differently of course, but it feels always so loaded! As I say, it might just be my sensitivities, but have other people come across this?

In other aspects they're all happy to be seen as 'slummy mummies' eg we give the kids potato waffles and drink wine from 4 and that kind of cliche.

But the competitiveness seems to be about the bond they have with their kid... And it makes me insecure about mine! Anyone else have this? (Ps this is basically at toddler groups so not happening at the mo, but on the WhatsApp too)

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user1493413286 · 22/03/2021 20:16

I know what you mean in terms of how some mums talk about leaving their children for a night or an evening; I’ve met a few mums who have told me proudly how in 4 years they and their DH haven’t had a night away or an evening out. I could probably count on one hand the number of times DH and I have managed that but it’s more lack of opportunity than anything else and it has made me feel a bit guilty to say that I’ve really enjoyed the childfree times we’ve had both together and with my friends

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 22/03/2021 20:20

I know what you mean OP. If it makes you feel any better, when I first left my son at nursery I didnt cry. I skipped off home to binge watch netflix and have a coffee in peace.

Luxembourgmama · 22/03/2021 20:20

Yesss. Its extremely annoying.

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TheGoodEnoughWife · 22/03/2021 20:30

Yes. It is very annoying. When my daughter was nine I said to a 'friend' that she was going to stay at my Mums for a week or so. (Had been before, close relationship)
Friend said there was no way she would send her children away as she just loved them so much she wouldn't be able to bear it.

(My husband had died. I just wanted a bit of a break and to give daughter some fun time with her much loved Nan).

MabelPines · 22/03/2021 20:32

To be honest I may have come across like this but I was just in awe of how much I loved this other human being (I had no idea!)

MabelPines · 22/03/2021 20:33

Posted too soon sorry !

I was just in awe of how I felt! Although I never felt bad about doing jabs!

nailsathome · 22/03/2021 20:34

@Letsallscreamatthesistene haha I did the same when I dropped my son off for the first time. I think I probably hurled him through the door and left before they had a chance to give him back!

TheScurrilousFunge · 22/03/2021 20:36

I honestly feel very lucky, because my friends and I are all more the 'parenting is hell' kind. We know we love our kids. We just like complaining about parenthood.

I always wonder what people who REALLY REALLY LOVE THEIR KIDS are trying to prove. I mean, of course you love them. That's the baseline. Why do you have to go beyond that? It's silly.

MaMaD1990 · 22/03/2021 20:37

Thankfully I've not come across this. My friends and I are all brutally honest about how we felt after having a baby and to be honest, I couldn't be more thankful. I don't know how I'd feel or coped if I was surrounded by the women your describing.

Easterbunnygettingready · 22/03/2021 20:40

I was the only dm smiling at the gates when ds started school!! He had been a little shit for 2 years. Glad to be without him for 6 hours a day!! No ill effects. . At 20 we have a fab relationship and he knows my thoughts!!

Tibtab · 22/03/2021 20:42

I love my DD but I also love leaving her at my Mum’s house or at nursery and having some time to myself.
I tend to ignore the competitive Mums as I feel like they are overcompensating for something.

Echobelly · 22/03/2021 20:42

I do get annoyed my parents who martyr themselves, for example by never, ever going out for years on end, even though they can afford a babysitter or have family who would help nearby. (Obvs, totally different if they just can't).

I roll eyes a bit when I see people online going 'My BF has asked me to be her bridesmaid and have an all expenses paid night with DP afterwards at a luxury hotel half an hour from home but I CAN'T LEAVE MY BABIES' (and the 'babies' are 4 and 7, and she has parents living down the road who have offered to have them). It does smack of showing off what a martyr you are to maternal love.

Not come across it IRL, though

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/03/2021 20:45

@Januaryblue2020

Bear with me- I might just be sensitive because I had PND in the early days so always feel a guilty about that...

But does anyone find that other mums seem very competitive, not with general parenting-thats a given- but with actually how much they 'love' their child?

I know everyone parents differently of course, but it feels always so loaded! As I say, it might just be my sensitivities, but have other people come across this?

In other aspects they're all happy to be seen as 'slummy mummies' eg we give the kids potato waffles and drink wine from 4 and that kind of cliche.

I reply to this by saying the sign of a good attachment is that they’re happy to leave you at nursery, which is true, and that maybe the reason they cry so much is because they’re scared they wouldn’t come back due to the drinking. That usually sorts out the comments.

Original poster

Januaryblue2020 · 22/03/2021 21:03

Hmm thanks all, makes me feel better! To be fair, these are kind of all aquaintences, so maybe if we were closer they would be a bit more honest. Just think it seems like the new parenting competitive frontier sometimes! I've never had a problem with leaving my child with a trusted caregiver, but then I sometimes worry if that's because I felt so weirdly detached in the early days.
Thanks guys feel better!

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Wobblywombat · 22/03/2021 21:03

I think I love my children a lot - as much as any other mother. But I am absolutely delighted when I can get an afternoon without them!! I love my freedom and spending a bit of time with myself... and would hate the idea of my kids having just me all day

allfurcoatnoknickers · 23/03/2021 14:34

It's competitive martyrdom! I went out to get my nails done when DS was 3 weeks old (look, my gels were chipped AF), so clearly I have a heart of stone .

I haven't left him overnight, but I go out at night/out to brunch at the weekend and work full time and I've never felt bad about it. If he wakes up while I'm out at dinner/out at brunch he'll have DH or a babysitter looking after him.

My Ex-step-MIL is a one for this. She likes to needle me because DS isn't clingy in his own home* and always says her babies couldn't be held by anyone but her when DS is having a cuddle with his dad/aunt/uncle.

I also don't hate those soppy memes on instagram which talk about you changing as a person and finding what's really important when you become a mum. Still the same snippy, materialistic bitch, now with tiny feral sidekick.

"D"FIL's second wife. He's now on his third.

Seaglass87 · 23/03/2021 15:26

I agree and see this too with a lot of Mums.
I feel like it may be an outward way of battling their inner cognitive dissonance between loving their child unconditionally, and their awareness that are are various conditions which lead them to wishing they could put their child in the bin.

CoalCraft · 23/03/2021 16:16

Can't say I've heard much of this, but then DH and I are the only parents on our friendship group so we probably just aren't exposed much. I can definitely imagine it happening.

I do get the sentiment too though. DD had to stay in NICU for three weeks and I left her every evening. I thought I was doing great until about day 14 when DH assembled her bedside crib and sent me a pic. I burst into hysterical tears (bless the nurse who coddled me through it) when I got home I dragged the thing out of the bedroom age into a spare room so I wouldn't have to look at it.

Since then I've gone or and left DD with DH many times, but I admit I was a bit anxious when she was out of the house without either of us the first time (MIL took her out for a drive). I knew I was being daft though!

I'd gladly let someone take her for an evening so DH and I could go out. Not that there's anywhere to go right now....

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