Please I need advice. Do I stay or do I go?????

[mumtotwogirls25]

I am a 26 year old mum with two girls from a previous relationship, I am with my partner of now 6 years, we are engaged and he has a teenage daughter. As you can imagine that on its own has had its own battles.
When we first got together things were tough I came from a DV relationship and basically came into the relationship with nothing but a baby under 1 and a 3 year old. He was great. He is a provider. We want for nothing and my life would be nothing without him. I have a house I could only imagine the home I'm living in now years ago and my girls are living in a stable home which is great...
But I am not happy. We aren't the same anymore. I've tried everything. From dates. To plans. To tag teaming all the chores of a family of five everything. He doesn't even entertain the idea of doing anything as a family anymore. He just sits on his computer does nothing i do EVERYTHING. It's not like it's a surprise to him that I feel this way I've told him. I've cried and told him I'm not happy many times and he said he'll help he will be more involved and he just isn't.
I feel so selfish as my children are so happy here but for the past year and a half I have been utterly miserable my brain is unbearable to live with. I want to leave I've decided. I'll leave with nothing and we will need to start fresh. I will be happier. But I feel so sad for my children for the life they have now I won't be able to give them if I leave.
Please help any advice would be great
What do I do

Why is this a question? You're not happy. He's not their dad. Leave.
The kids won't enjoy seeing you miserable...and they pick up on bloody everything whether you think they do or not.

What's the relationship like between the kids and your partner?

@nevernotstruggling my youngest calls him dad. She has never known any different. She was 9 months old when they met, but she does notice a difference between him and his daughter now and questions are coming. My oldest knows but has nothing to do with her biological dad because of court orders. I think secretly she wants me to herself again just us three girls but she is so close to him and his daughter.

@mumtotwogirls25 I was that child. Please leave. They will love you being happy and you will be in a much better place.

It is bloody hard to start from zero, but house and that is not everything. Your mum loving you and being there happy and having time for a laugh at bedtime and modelling, for your daughters, what healthy relationships look like - there is nothing more important you can give them.

Is he a lot older than you? I agree with PP, you need to leave. Your girls would much prefer seeing you happy! The relationship sounds dysfunctional

The fact that you will leave with nothing shows a huge power imbalance here. And he knows it which is why he isn’t trying to pull his weight.

It’s trite to say just leave, you’ll be happier, when you know your lifestyle will be so different, but living as a guest in his world is not the same as being the leader of your own.

Your eldest especially sounds like she will appreciate a different family dynamic even if that means a different lifestyle.

If the younger one sees him as a dad would he still be involved with her, spend time, contribute anything towards her upbringing etc? For him to be an actual father figure I’d expect him to be considering those things. Otherwise he isn’t really a dad in anything other than name when the going gets tough.

@Rainbowdino yes he's a lot older than me. I read the post back to check if I'd stated that. How did you know

@MarkRuffaloCrumble living as a guest in his world never thought of it like that and that saying has just hit the nail on the head for me I think, I think that is my life.
I would like to think after her little life and how much he had been there for he would as she dotes on him. In reality I don't think he would have anything to do with my girls.
He acts like they are just my responsibility right now so now reflecting and thinking about it I'm sure he will just act like that if we leave.

I only say that because I know that’s how I’d feel in the same situation - and it’s the main reason I don’t live with my DP of 8 years. He earns a lot more than me and we could have an amazing house if we lived together but the fear of being stuck there if things go to shit because I couldn’t afford to split means we are still living apart after all this time! And it means he’s a guest in my world most of the time, which suits me fine!

There’s a lot to be said for having your own little bubble, just you and the DCs.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble thank you it's made me think differently.

Do you really believe the things you’ve typed below? I can understand why you feel trapped if you do, but they’re not concrete facts holding you down. Worth thinking about:

“basically came into the relationship with nothing”
I bet you brought loads. You’ve positioned him as a saviour you’re so grateful for. You may be kind, imaginative, fun, caring or adventurous. You put a lot of effort and skill into maintaining a warm, clean home that’s welcoming for your family. This is something.

”We want for nothing”
Perhaps materially, but what about emotionally? Your daughters deserve a childhood with an emotionally happy mum. You know how much kids depend and feed on their parents emotional state, if you can’t live with your brain whilst being in this relationship they probably feel the fact too, as well as a father figure who doesn’t engage with them at all.

”my life would be nothing without him”
Not true. You have two daughters. You have all you bring to a home.

”my girls are living in a stable home”
It’s not emotionally stable.

“my children are so happy here”
Are they? Children learn to pretend and go along with their parents. You may be very surprised to hear and see how much happier they are once you leave.

”I'll leave with nothing”
Not true. Perhaps you cannot see what you will be leaving with, it may look like you would be going to nothing but there is something. And you’re not the same person as you were at 20yo, a very young woman, 6 years later you have more experience, options and knowledge.

“the life they have now I won't be able to give them if I leave.”
You can provide a different, happier, more fulfilling life. The most important and healthy provision for your children is an emotionally happy mum.

Be easy on yourself. You are 17yo, a child, when you had a baby with an abusive partner. That takes time to recover from. At 20yo you had 2 children and craved material stability. I can see how that would still be at the forefront of your mind. You can provide a better life for your children and you do not need a partner to do that.

I could tell by the power dynamic.
You went from a child, to having two babies yourself, to being ‘rescued’ by this much older man & now you feel trapped. You aren’t trapped you have grown up & can have such a lovely life with your girls away from him.

I honestly feel that way. I feel I have grown. Maybe grown out of this relationship. I'm stable now within myself to see what I want

Sending you a hug as it sounds like you feel very trapped. You are stronger than you think. So what if the house or flat you have to move to isn’t as big or there is less money for luxuries. Kids don’t actually need a lot other than a parent who loves them and is in a good place.