Aggressive child

[snoresnoresnorezz]

I have been friends with a lady for years. We have DC the same age and they go to the same school. After school a lot of the children tend to go to the park that is located next door and play after school. All is fine but her DC always gets agressive. I'm talking pushing, punching, pulling my DC and making him cry. They play so nicely at times but when this red must descends her DC there is no stopping them.

What I am asking is how do I handle this? She doesn't see her DC is doing anything wrong and I try to tell both of them to play nicely and be kind but it is ignored by her DC. I'm getting more and more stressed at the thought of Monday and know I have to say something but deep down I don't want to upset my friend. We have known each other from our NCT classes but I can't let my DC be used as a punchbag either x

Play nicely is too vague for a young child to understand. They need explicit guidance and clear boundaries.
Not “Why don’t you go on the swing?” But “Michael, don’t panic push Freddy”.
Not “Be gentle” but “Michael,, you pushed Freddy out of the way. It’s Freddy’s turn first”.

However hard, take all emotion and judgement out of it. Stick with fact and clear direction as Tom required behaviour.
If Michaels mother says something, simply restate fact. Michael pushrod Freddy. I told him not to.

How old are they?

They are 7. Which I think is old enough to know what play nicely means it's just my friends DC seems to get into a zone and can't get out of it.

I'd be bailing on the park visits after school. That's what I've done in the past. Believe me, your child won't be 'missing out' on anything by going home after school instead of spending their time after school involved in some aggressive pecking order while merely trying to enjoy themselves at the park. It all sounds miserable. And really, the only way to deal with it is to stop hanging out with the child.

You could talk to your friend about their child's behaviour. You could police that behaviour in the park, step in and stop it, and see how that goes. Those are options too. In my own experience over the years, I have learned, time and again, that disengaging and being 'busy- we need to get home' is better for the kids' mental health... and my own. It gets exhausting trying to support behaviour that you can't change.

The child's mum is the problem here.. Limits not being enforced for the child, very unfair. If you want to try you could say firmly before they go to play 'No hurting today please. It hurts. Understood? Now go and play.'

Stop going to the park for a while or leave at the first incident and explain why. You don’t have to be confrontational or aggressive, just simply state ‘we are going to head off now. X has hit Y again’.

If the child sees you leave every time it happens they may stop. Especially at 7.

My DC is friends with a child who does the same. Lots of pulling clothes, shoving and occasional hitting. We put up with it for years and her mother’s constant minimising. I did initially take the cowards way out and just made us ‘busy’ every time she wanted to meet. I then gave her another chance and the first time her child hit my DC, I said we are going. She again started with the excuses, ‘X just gets over excited’ or ‘X was frustrated because she can’t do the monkey bars’ etc and I said ‘no, we can’t stay if there is going to be hitting’ and off we went. We did have to do it 3 or 4 times but it did work. They stopped hitting my DC and are still friends.

I will add they often still hit other children but not my DC anymore.

I would stop going to the park. Your friend isn't worried that her child is pushing and hitting your child. So it won't change. Why are you worried about upsetting her? I can't see the fun for your child. Just go home. I thought in lockdown group visits to park were not allowed anyway?

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

The child's mum is the problem here.. Limits not being enforced for the child, very unfair. If you want to try you could say firmly before they go to play 'No hurting today please. It hurts. Understood? Now go and play.'

I would agree with this it is the empty threats of don't do that or we will leave...her DC does it agin nothing happens.

I think you are right I either need to stop the park which seems a shame when DC has other friends there they like to play with. Or like another PP said leave at the first incident and make her DC realise it's not ok.

Someone also said why am I worried about upsetting the mum? To be honest I don't know, I like her, she is a nice person we have know and been friends for years and years but she just has no control over DC. When it comes down to it though keeping my DC safe is more important that upsetting her.

Well I'm sure she's nice - but not that nice if she's not stepping in when your child is being pushed about 🤷🏻‍♀️

@converseandjeans

Well I'm sure she's nice - but not that nice if she's not stepping in when your child is being pushed about 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can't really argue with this as I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be mortified and apologising profusely and removing my DC from the park. We would be leaving anytime DC was too rough until they learnt to play nicely.

I have a friend who's daughter was an absolute nightmare child. The friend would want her to play with my DD who was very gentle and kind. I had to find myriad excuses for them not to have play dates. Sadly, nightmare child has grown into nightmare adult. She drove my friend to her wit's end, but it was her problem, not mine (or my daughter's).

I am still good friends with the mum. The mum knew her kid was a problem. She really was out of control.