Parenting - which rules are important to you

[raaraayou]

I was discussing parenting with a work colleague the other week, and she mentioned that she was a very strict parent as she was a single Mum.

It got me thinking about which rules I put in place with my children (1 & 3) and how important/unimportant they are to me.

I was brought up with zero rules. I went to bed when I wanted, ate what I wanted, never tidied the house, never had any chores set for me, did what I wanted. As a result, I think sometimes I struggle to decide which "rules" are important as a parent, and possibly let me eldest get away with things I shouldn't.

Which rules do you find are important to put in place with your children?

Apologies for using the word "rules" 100 times. Maybe rules isn't quite the right word? But you know what I mean!

I have Boundaries & expectations for my children. They contribute,we are a family
By age and ability the rules change. As a basic put all toys in a crate that gets put away
Clothes put in basket As they get older they help more
Absolute rules? Tablets, kindle off at bedtime. No electronics at bedtime

Brush teeth
Wear sun cream
Be kind
Be honest
Be polite

Tidying up (a bit - he's 1)
Eating at the table
Saying please

Consistent bedtime
Brush teeth
Good manners
Be kind
Limit treats/ snacks
Exercise
Listen

For me, the non negotiable rules are the safety rules. Don't open the front door without an adult present, stop talking at the road so we can concentrate on checking for cars, no hitting/pushing etc.

We then have manners based rules eg. Talk nicely to each other, sit at the table until everyone finished eating.

For other things like bedtime etc we have a rough structure we follow but sometimes it might change by half an hour or so depending on how tired they are etc.

I'm pretty strict on bedtime. DS just can't cope at school if he doesn't get a decent night's sleep.

Yes I think boundaries is what you really mean rather than rules as such, although they can be semantically the same.

I've changed my stance on this quite a lot really over the years. When DS1 was little I was very into the gentle parenting stuff and for a while I really only enforced safety stuff because I was trying so hard to collaborate on everything else, which wasn't really sustainable. I went looking for info about how to set boundaries and ended up with the idea of "three golden rules" which is respect for people (which includes all the safety stuff but goes a bit further like not being mean, not being annoying or disruptive), respect for property and respect for resources (not wasting stuff). Again that seemed quite reasonable but after a while it was not really enough.

I started following janet lansbury. She really specialises in tiny kids but I absolutely love what she has to say about boundaries and limits especially if like me you are a bit prone to being too laid back! I think if I'd understood this properly when DC1 was small it would have saved me (and him! ) a lot of aggro. I find it's applicable to older ones too.

She basically talks about protecting your own emotional and mental resources. That if you find yourself getting repeatedly annoyed or shouty or anxious about your child's behaviour then the boundary is too loose. You've given them too much leeway and that means you're unable to react calmly when they get close to the boundary. Whereas when it's in the right place, you can do all those lovely calm things like having a discussion with them or problem solving or gently leading them back to whatever it is you wanted them to do or all the gentle/positive tactics that I'd tried, got exasperated and (somewhat) written off as being useless waffle!

So it's not so much about individual rules or boundaries as such any more but I look at my own comfort level and try to go from there. It doesn't always work. Old habits die hard but as a kind of lens shift it has really made a difference.

No means no, and stop means stop.

Getting my kids to listen to and respect other's boundaries is something I really stress.

Manners are also very important here too!

Bedtime. My kids can't cope without enough sleep.

No screens during the week, it negatively impacts massively on their behaviour.

Being able to sit at a table for a meal and table manners.

Being polite, greeting people and saying thank you.

Not being nasty.

Social constructs that they need to learn to be functional adults.

I feel like that's too simple when you've got children who are having problems behaving
I wish it was that simple

Sorry that was in response to @BertieBotts post

What CowGran said and what MaraScottie said.

It's about keeping them safe. They have so much more freedom, once you feel they understand that when you say 'stop' they will, and when you say 'no' you mean it.
Of course, that has to then be backed up by you using the ultimate words in moderation, and there then not being any wiggle room in that.

Secrets are not allowed.. so so important in keeping children safe.

Surprises are ok, secrets are not ok
Tell the truth when asked
Manners And respect

For us adults... listen to our kids when they want to tell us the small things.. because when they're older they may not want to tell us the big things; because to them it's always been big things/.. that's the only non negotiable rule me and husband have... everything else is a bit flakey 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Mostly those around being kind and respectful to one another, helping around the house, using good manners and not using bad language. I also hate violence and am I think stricter than average about what games he can play and what videos to watch.
Bedtime is important as he doesn't cope with being tired.
I'm relaxed in some areas though like screen time and food. On the whole he's a good lad and we have very few battles.

Purple believe me I've been through that!

This is an incredibly simplified description - OP asked for the kind of bare bones what's most important, not all the day to day stuff.

Also you can have all the rules in the world but if the DC aren't able to meet them then that's a different problem.

Yes 😓

Manners, always.
Tidy up your own stuff.
Be kind
Respect each other.
These rules apply equally to adults and children in the house however the children know that I am the boss not their friend so if I say something that is what happens. Also if I issue consequences I always follow through with them.

I'm known to be a strict parent among my friends but I'm not strict about things like bed time, screen time, good (within reason) and swearing within reason.
The kids will tell me if they think something is wrong or unfair I always listen to their view, if I'm wrong I apologise. If they're wrong I expect them to apologise.

Ross Greene is brilliant for the behavioural challenges :)

As a parent of a neuro diverse dc it’s very nuanced. Sometimes I have to ease off in some areas while I deal with particular issues. And when you have a neuro typical dc as well, it can be perceived as deeply unfair when they are held to different standards to their sibling.

For me it feels more like I have a map and a compass and I’m almost permanently off-road but heading, I hope, in the right direction.

But I’m not sure I can think of a single rule that hasn’t had to bend at some point.

Bed times.
Leaving house in clean clothes with hair done.
Getting in the car for school when I day with everything ready.
Manners.
Shoes and coats away when they come in.
Lunchboxes emptied with bits in dishwasher before anything.
Eating at the table and not getting up until told.
Clearing plates and loading the dishwasher.
Screen time limits.
Manners toward other people.
Not fighting.
Kindness and consideration to others for example if someone visibly hurts themselves you ask if they are ok and offer help - this is a v strict rule in our family.
Teeth brushing and general personal hygiene.

Manners
No hitting and throwing stuff.
From an appropriate age they need to help with stuff- I don’t give money for chores. They are a part of the family so they pitch in.
We are quite low screen.
Being kind towards each other.
And we have always had a reasonable routine including bedtime for kids.

My kids are growing so much more privileged than I did (and to some extent DH) that we both worry about them being spoilt. And I am their parent not their friend.

Thanks everyone.

It turns

Thanks everyone!

It turns out that I put nearly all of those things in place already. Some I need to work a little harder on with my Daughter, but on the whole, turns out I'm not that bad! Phew!

I sometimes worry I'm not pushy enough with certain things, but I feel like it isn't the end of the world if she doesn't eat all of her dinner etc, and I try to pick which things are worth the battle. Which ones are important.

Thanks all

My mother used to say don’t make a battle out of what goes into their mouth (aka eating) and how it comes out (aka potty training). Those are things they control and they will resist.
My mother offered many pieces of crazy advice over the years but this was fairly solid.