How do you manage a second child?

[Laytwir024]

Nc here!

I'd love to know how on earth you all do it. Dh and I would love a second and are lucky that we can afford one and have the space amongst other things, but how on earth do you cope? We are relatively patient people but we do wonder if a second would throw us over the edge. Our child is 18 months and here is our typical day:

5:30 DH gets up with child, sorts breakfast, changes them and plays.
7:00 I get up, take over and have a few mins together in kitchen before Dh gets ready for work (WFH).
I'm mostly a SAHM so with DC all day, cleaning and playing as I go. The post lunch nap is up and down. I don't always get long and when I do it's preparing evening meal and cleaning up the madness of the day so far. Three times a week my parents take DC whilst I work (I have to dedicate this time to work and nothing else). I then do evening meal, bath and bedtime routine which takes oages and a lot of rocking and boob feeding.

8pm DC is finally asleep. I come downstairs pretty exhausted. Dh finishes work around 6pm and has been eating and cleaning up downstairs ever since. He's knackered and goes to bed pretty soon after. I have a few mins to myself and follow him up.

DC wakes maybe 3 times a night (sometimes more) and needs boob back to sleep. He ends the night in our room. We're ok with that.

Then starts again.

It's ok and just manageable but how on earth do you manage when you have a new baby along? I really don't get it.

Sorry I meant to quite the post where you said it’s normal for babies to wake at night in my PP👀

@Bringallthebiscuits oh yes it isn't easy. My dc are really similar ages to yours but younger dc just crawls about dc1's bed or plays with a little toy on the floor while i read, he really likes to be involved. I do have to keep the books out of his way as he has knorred at quite afew! They go to bed at the same time though-both at 7pm. Hope it goes okay and i bet you'll soon get into a routine that works for you.

I don't know how people do it with two young kids to be honest, that's why I waited until DC1 was 2 years old to get pregnant with DC2. There is a 2 y and 9 m gap between them and I think that's the closest I could manage and they get along now and I hope as they get older they will get along more and more.

Oh and it also means the first is out of nappies by the time the second comes!

When my second came along, my first was sleeping through the night and had been for over 14 months, I wasn’t still bf my first.

First napped every lunchtime and attended nursery 3 days a week which they loved, allowed me to give time to the newborn and kept their space for when I returned to work.

OP your post made me smile !! I can remember thinking all of these things when I had DC1. I would think it has also been way tough for women who have had a lockdown baby as your in the house most of the time, and it can be mentally draining having to think of the next thing to do, whilst all the time being surrounded by chores !

The first thing is that it gets way easier generally, they sleep more consistently and don't require someone at their side all the time. The second thing is that in some ways you do get busier, but in some ways that's easier - less one one one / thinking up activities - which can itself be exhausting.

The huge upside is that from about 18 months they will start to play together. I now have three DC each two years apart and it is so much easier, we get time with each of them as well as time for work and some adult stuff !

I’ve been thinking about this as well, my son will be around 7, so around a five year age gap. Completely different to a toddler and a baby, but the thought of going back to the toddler years is a bit scary.

Not every parent martyrs themselves by getting up at 5.30am, feeding/rocking to sleep at bedtime and then breastfeeding through the night when their PFB is 18 months old.

DC1 was breastfed until after his second birthday but night weaned at 10 months and then we introduced a gro clock at 19 months, so he was sleeping through from about 7.30pm to about 6.30am.

Even so, we weren't ready to consider a second until after DC1 turned two.

Now we have DC2 (she's 6 months old) and it's utterly exhausting, there's no way I'd be able to do it if DC1 didn't sleep well.

Stop making so much mess and cleaning it up spend a LOT of time out of the house and lower your standards.

We never wanted to just 'manage' or 'muddle through' so we only have one 🤪 it was the right decision for us and life is easy and very manageable. If you're not sure you don't have to have another.

I'm currently pregnant with my second and shitting myself. But my LG is 3 and is a good sleeper (thank god!!) I wouldn't have been thinking about having another one when she was 18 months old or when she was still waking regularly through the night. My hope is that my next LO will be a good sleeper like she is (although she was still waking at least once for the first 15 months of her life and as soon as we stopped breastfeeding she did sleep through).

I am nervous though to go back to the chaos of having a newborn and the sleepless nights! This time I will have a 3 year old to worry about as well but I wanted another and I didn't want a huge age gap so I'm just going to have to suck it up and get on with it

Honestly I do have to leave the older one to their own devices while I get the other one to nap which I don't feel great about. I couldn't have faced a second child before the first started sleeping through.

I have a 3yr old and 5month old. My toddler was a hard work baby, didn’t nap easily, crawled early, didn’t sleep and cried a lot. He started sleeping through the night when I was pregnant and the my milk reduced, which helped massively and my second baby is a much easier baby. She sleeps well and always has done, she just slots in and gets dragged along with everything the toddler does. Her pram has been pushed around every park in the area

@trilbydoll

Stop making so much mess and cleaning it up spend a LOT of time out of the house and lower your standards.

This made me laugh! fair point. I am doing other things around the house, more to keep me sane tbh as lockdown is boring me to tears!

I was the same, sleep was the game changer. My first slept through the night for the first time at 18mo, then by 2 had done it a few more times, enough to make me feel human again! And felt like it was doable. If you’re feeling like it wouldn’t be doable yet, it’s probably not.

Got pregnant with DC2 when DC1 was 18m, so 2 yr 3m gap. Yes it was hard as my DS was a wild toddler, however he was a good sleeper thank god. He went down in his own room and basically slept 7-7. Although he did drop his nap pretty much when DD was born, so that sucked.

Basically my house was a mess (still is) and thankfully DS had 2 mornings a week of nursery and we did a lot of play dates just to get out of the house. Dinner was nothing elaborate and DH had to cook more or pick up dinner for us on his way home.

I did bedtime by myself most weeknights and either I had the baby in a sling or left her in her bouncy chair or wherever she was napping. Also bedtime for the toddler was fast as he self settled himself. Once baby was older and had a proper bedtime then I’d let my older child watch tv/play in his room while I put her down. Or I’d leave her in playpen/bring her in his room while I was reading to him etc.

@Popcornbetty thanks, hopefully eventually they’ll both start going to sleep at the same time and maybe even waking up at the same time! The biggest dream is that they both lie in one day - though it’s bound to be a day I have to get up for work :)

I have a 3 year old and soon to be 1 year old second child born in first lockdown.

I have no idea how we manage as almost 1 year old is an absolute monkey and is walking so he's everywhere!! Honestly probably cried most days this week but they are brother and sister and I know it will all be worth it.

I am a bit ocd about my house and the washing is endless but it gets done at some point just not as often as I'd like.

I'd just say batch cook, meal plan, prep night before if going anywhere, use the tv a bit more than you'd like normally and you'll be fine. Batch cooking has defo helped even the nights when me and partner knackered if I've taken a lasagna out the freezer for tea so can just put it in the microwave and we don't have to cook and have a shit load of pots it's amazing!

20 mth gap here, 2 and 4yo. I double up when I do cook so only cook half of week. Cleaner 3h / week. Have gone back to work from 1yo both, 3 days a week.

Very glad I was strict about some things with first one as it all gets passed on to the baby!

Now they play together mostly well and it's lovely.

Lockdown and minimal playdates has been very depressing tho

Also husband always home for bedtime which was a total relief in early days as I would be completely broken by 4/5pm

I would say go for at least a 3 year age gap, better still 4 or 5. I don't know how people do the whole 2 under 2 thing, it just doesn't look very fun to me! A larger age gap means children aren't competing so intensely for parental resources and the older one is a bit more self sufficient :) Not meant of a criticism of those who go for smaller age gaps by the way, just everyone I know who has one seems very stressed out!

My first 2 are 23 months apart. In a weird way, I actually found it easier having 2. The huge life change was having the first one. When I had the 2nd one, my existing lifestyle didn't really change at all. And I had a funny 2 year old to chat with and keep me company while the baby was tiny.

I’m wondering what it’s going to be like with 2 babies too. I have a 16month old and another due in May.. Atm my dd sleeps with me and has been very clingy since second lockdown.