How to help very angry 9yo DD

[skeggycaggy]

My 9yo DD is constantly grumpy & snappy with her siblings, her dad & sometimes with me. She says that when things irritate her she gets angry & then she loses her temper - I can obviously sympathise with this, but struggling to give her ways of trying to manage it. The grumpiness manifests itself particularly in endless sniping & mean comments & is so, so tedious to be around.

I’m not convinced that punishment is the way to handle it, right now it feels like such an ingrained response I don’t think she’d be able to overcome it for the sake of avoiding a punishment. I feel like she needs emotional coaching but I am crap at that sort of thing & DH is even worse!

Fwiw she is a highly sensitive child - hates being asked questions (she was set off today apparently by me asking her how her day went... then we had 20 mins of sniping & bickering) can’t wear certain clothes, always been extremely stubborn, thinks about things very deeply, can’t manage loud noises... She’s my middle child of 3 & she just seems to run on a different emotional system to my other 2.

Thanks for any guidance...

That screams sensory issues to me.

I probably was that child...

The calming approaches people use with neurodivergent dc might help?

Anger Management classes are good assuming she no sen. Contact Young Minds for help setting it up

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/feelings-and-symptoms/anger/

I was thinking sensory issues as well, potentially, and it might be worth discussing with a GP / specialist. But first I was also wondering whether she’s getting enough sleep? I’d expect a degree of moodiness and sniping in teens but 9 seems young.

I'm thinking hormones, my oldest daughter was a nightmare running up to her periods starting (age 10) after that she chilled out loads and is lovely now at 15 but oh my goodness she was so angry before, I thought I was doing something seriously wrong but no, just horrible hormones

DH is a GP actually... we’ve long agreed between us that she probably has ‘sensory issues’ but he would be very reluctant to take it any further than that, thinks it is all in the range of normal, & I know school would be gobsmacked to hear of any concerns. She doesn’t have any SEN.

She possibly doesn’t get enough sleep - bedtime is between 8.30-9pm, but since school goes back she’s been getting up 6-6.30 because she likes to be totally ready at least 30 mins before school - hates being late (I know what you’re thinking!!).

Anger management classes sounds like just the thing. I will have a look, thanks.

Sounds like my DS with asd and adhd. High functioning and v bright. Girls mask very well snd then unleash at home. I think your DH may need to consider that a psychiatrist is the best person to judge. I went undiagnosed for my whole life for the reasons you state.

@dogsonlead

Sounds like my DS with asd and adhd. High functioning and v bright. Girls mask very well snd then unleash at home. I think your DH may need to consider that a psychiatrist is the best person to judge. I went undiagnosed for my whole life for the reasons you state.

Yes. I will talk to DH again. She had a good patch last year but she’s been struggling much more recently.

My dad is actually a psych & he did suggest she needed to see someone around some behaviours she had when she was 5, but she seemed to grow out of those before we had taken it any further.

The other advice is great. Just wondering in the short term if you could give her some cards with faces on depicting different emotions or for the colours of the cards to depict different emotions. I know its hardly comparable but I worked with an adult with cognitive issues and gave them different coloured cards and for them to put one in plain view when they felt they couldn't communicate their feelings. Helped them to have their own space and for things not to escalate. She could perhaps take herself to her room or the sofa and hand a card to you or place it next to her, outside her door etc. Not a long term fix but could help short term.

Cactuslove actually yes - that could help. Eg today I got home from work, she was sitting in the kitchen, & I started straight off with a perfectly pleasant ‘how was your day? Where’s your brother?’ Etc which was apparently what wound her up. If she could hang out a ‘don’t talk to me’ sign I would happily leave her alone!

My DD sounds exactly like yours. She has always been perfectly behaved in school. A model pupil, in fact. At home, she has always had tricky episodes. Punishments and consequences did not work. In fact, they actually made her behaviour worse.

She is now 12 and after reading ‘The Explosive Child’ we are trying a different approach and it seems to be helping.

I pushed for testing and she has been diagnosed with Asperger’s. She masks at school and releases all of the built up tension when she’s at home.

Just looked up The Explosive Child - easily frustrated, chronically inflexible - that’s her! I’ve bought a copy.

What were the behaviours aged 5 op if you don't mind me asking?

I love The Explosive Child, and the more recent Raising Human Beings. I hope they help.

I don’t mind saying over PM Scarcity20 but I don’t want to put it up publicly as it feels like it is DD’s personal information. I don’t think it was anything that would offer any insight to other people about their DC’s situation, if that’s what you are thinking.