Spanking

[MonchichiRyan]

I have had a bad mother's day.

My 4-year-old DS was throwing tantrum and kicked a glass panel repeatedly. No matter what I said, I could not stop him. So I slapped on his right foot once, hard enough for him to feel painful. He stopped kicking right away and ran back to his room and cried. I at the same time told him that he could continue crying, and when he was done crying, come to apologize. After 15 minutes, he did calm down and apologized. Having said all that, I actually regretted spanking him in the first place. I myself have not recovered since, so I bet he has not either.

I read something randomly about spanking just lately, and revisited that article again after what happened. There is a line there I want to understand more, and hope someone here can elaborate.

"By hitting our kids we are teaching them to continue to seek love from people who hurt them, which is something no parent wants."

What does that really mean? Does it mean he will easily become target of bullies when he grows up? Did I become a bully when I spanked him?

I am worried sick that I have created trauma to my DS. I have apologized to DS that hitting him was my mistake, before I calmly explained to him that doing dangerous things like kicking glass panels or putting fingers into socket holes are never acceptable. He seemed pleased that I apologized, but I am not sure if there is anything else I should do to make sure he understands. Any advice to share?

You probably can feel I am not very organized here. My brain is cloudy and not thinking straight at the moment.

@SleepingStandingUp I don’t think hitting is ok in any circumstances.

God, this post!!! Does it occur to any of you that criticising a mum (or dad) who is clearly stressing out about making a poor decision could result in a terrible outcome that would be infinitely worse for the child than that which is being discussed.

I think we can universally agree that smacking is not good. But you can say this kindly instead of being soooo judgey!

Instead of saying 'you need new strategies' try suggesting some. Clearly if she had strategies available then she wouldn't have resorted to hitting him and then leaving herself feeling horrendously guilty. Moreover, less of the smug 'my way is the right way'. Not every strategy works for every child. Even if has in your case it may be that that strategy is not something that parent can deploy as well as someone else. Almost nothing that worked for my first works on my second. Equally DH is infinitely better at the distraction technique than I am. Whereas I am better at getting down to their level and explaining the reason that they shouldn't do something.

Finally there is nothing wrong with letting a child cry. Especially if its what you need to do to stay calm. No, ideally you don't do it all the time or for prolonged periods but sometimes it is necessary. My 2.5 year old will not be cuddled or held when he is midst tantrum. He hits, bites and kicks (and I'm heavily pregnant with a hematoma). The only thing I can do is put him in a safe place and tell him that I'm here for a cuddle when he's ready.

OP, you asked if your child will be traumatised. They won't be! I think you've worked out all by yourself that its not an action you want to repeat.

Things I have tried that may work:

Thinking step... i save this for the serious things, i.e. when they are violent towards one another or do something dangerous. I deliberately don't call it the naughty step and refrain from calling them naughty but tell them very clearly why they've been put on it and when I return I explain the reasons why they must not behave like that (ie. Its okay to be angry but here are some better ways to deal with it).

Time in... finding a quiet space to sit with them until they calm down and are ready to talk/cuddle.

Bribery (the official term is when and then). I don't use this for bad behaviour as I think it would reinforce it but rather when we're getting ready for school etc, i.e. yes you can play on your roller skates WHEN you've put on your uniform. (Before anyone jumps on this it is advocated in childcare courses and social work).

I also 100% advocate giving a warning and counting to 3, especially before instigating any kind of discipline. So there is ALWAYS a 5 min warning before bed/stopping an activity, and a reminder 1 minute before. In the instance of the kicking the glass I would have said I am going to ask you one more time not to do that or you will have to sit on the thinking step.

These are things that have worked for me. They do require consistency and determination (I once had to find a thinking step in the middle of a hospital whilst we were visiting an ill grandparent). They may not work for you but hopefully someone else can offer other options. I know I'd love to hear them as I am finding it more and more difficult to discourage some of my son's less than desirable behaviour.