Those of you with children from split homes

[COS2102]

How do you deal with them being unhappy about the split of time between homes? No real concerns at either home but child insists most weeks that they don't want to leave to go to the other home. Finding it really difficult as they say they want the split to be equal, which it is...and then when they are told they have an equal split already they say they want it to be unequal then because they don't want to go. Child is KS2 age so not old enough to be making their own decisions but old enough to be listened to...but its HARD. What do others do?

I think it very much depends on the ages of the children and how far apart the parents live

We have a 9 year old & with a 10 minute drive between homes

I found it easier if transitions were done from school, so no leaving home y to home z, but y to school to z as much as possible.

How is the split organised at the minute? Do they have set days at each house?

Yes, set days. Occasionally there are changes but on the whole the days remain unchanged. 3 nights at one home and 4 at the other. They spend more weekend time at the 3 night home.
I agree, it does seem to be better to drop off at school, they still insist that they want to be picked back up again after school but they don't seem to get as wound up by the transition if it happens via a school drop off & pick up

Do they not want to leave both homes? Or is the not wanting to go only one direction?

The thing about transition via school is normal. It is because they think of the next thing at that age.

They probably just hate the fact they can't see you both together, I think this is normal.

I've been 50 50 with exh for two years now, in various patterns. Dd, 6, requested more time at each home last June so now we're one week off one week on, but changeover is on a weds so nearly always from school. Which helps everyone I think. Sometimes dd is clingy and I angst about whether it's the right thing to do, but she's adamant that it has to be equal. Ds, 9, just wants consistency (asd) and hasn't offered an opinion too much aside from saying he also wants equal. Behaviour often deteriorates as changeover approaches, but that's just the thought of saying goodbye I think. Once it happens they're fine. And they have a good relationship with both parents. Oh, we live a 10min drive between homes.

They just don't like to leave one home. They were at the point of being excited at the thought of isolation a few months back because it would mean not having to leave for two weeks...

We discussed how lots of children have lots of different ways of splitting their time and gave the example of one week on and one week off but they didn't like the thought of being away for a full week....just feel like its a situation where we'll never win with them. Its such a big thing for them to fully understand at the minute. They know they're frustrated but they don't know what would help...just wish there was a way of working it out so its best for everyone

It's so hard knowing what to do for the best
Do both homes feel like home do you think? So bedroom/toys etc? Are there other new partners on the scene yet? Was your child more aligned with one parent before the split anyway? What does your ex say?

Ex is hard to gauge. Sometimes suggests extra time here, sometimes allows phonecalls when with them, then sometimes lights up saying the child shouldn't get to choose and other times refuses phonecalls because 'well you never ring me when you're there'.
They were very young when the split happened but this preference has been going on as long as they could express it. They have their own room at both houses and plenty toys and games console at both. We both have long-term partners and siblings at both houses.
Of course I'd be biased and believe it is better at home here haha but I'm not at the other house so I just have to go with what its like there through what I hear....there are often complaints of things but they seem quite ordinary problems at the minute (there have been bigger problems in the past but they were dealt with swiftly and are no longer an issue)

If it is always one house, then you may need to be open-minded to them not wanting to go when.older.

Your ex needs to be less defensive and more supportive, and more consistent.

I went through this. When I split from my eXH my DC said they were glad the split was equal and that it wasn’t a one week on one week off scenario. But they were increasingly unwilling to go to their dad’s, and going with him on holiday was a nightmare.

It didn’t help that my ex just couldn’t deal with any of it, he would put pressure on DC and e.g. tell them how many times they’d called him when on holiday with me vs how many times they wanted to call me and how unfair it was etc etc.

I never forced them to go, but I always had conversations around them going. Then ex met a new partner and DC disliked her from the outset. She is also very adamant that eXH not have anything to do with any of his past. She never goes with him to see his own family etc, refuses to meet up with any of his friends, so from that perspective they lead separate lives, except she demands he spend as much time with her as possible. They had a child together and that made things worse for DC.

Things came to a head when DC was around 13, and eXH and his partner had a serious argument on holiday where she screamed at him in a public place, slagged me off, accused me of all manner of things etc. After that DC refused to ever stay there again.

Thing is that eXH has the ability to be a decent parent, but he seemed to lose sight of that. And he’s very manipulative anyway which just got DC’s back up. They’re now 18 and the relationship with their dad has improved. But they see him only away from his house, and have no relationship with either the partner, or the child she and eXH have.

At this age I do think it’s important to encourage the children to have a relationship with their other parent, assuming the relationship isn’t abusive. Because at that age a child just doesn’t comprehend the longer term impact of breaking down a relationship. But as time goes on and they mature you can also alter your approach, until they’re old enough to definitively make that decision for themselves.

Oh wow @HeartsAndClubs so much of what you're saying resonates. Thank you for sharing

Hmm, if your child has been expressing that opinion for years then I'd probably be listening and coming up with alternative ideas. Would your ex agree to less time? So the usual eow and one night in the week? What does your dc say to their dad about it all?

I'm committed to being flexible to what is best for my dc as time goes by, and that will possibly include seeing at least one of them less I have a feeling. Hopefully your ex can put his dc first...

Is it possible that your dc is treated quite differently to their half sibling at their dad's...?

Not a chance they'd agree to less time, they'd absolutely fly of the handle about it. DC sometimes speaks about it but more recently has become very conscious of everyone else's feelings and will say things like 'well I'll just go because then they'll be sad if I don't' .

Their sibling there is very new, as is the one here...so there hasn't been much time to experience being treated differently (aside from the obvious differences between a baby and a 9 year old....but that happens here too)

Oh, that's really sad for your dc :( do you think having a space to talk to someone impartial might help them?

Or play therapy as a way to express some of it. My 9yo has really benefited from it.

School put him forward for counselling in school. He was going from sept-dec and we never really asked him about it so he could feel comfortable to share things there then just before Christmas he announced that he just does the colouring in with her and doesn't really speak because he feels shy and doesn't want to talk to her.....not sure if he will be starting in back up now school is open again or if he'll even start speaking to her. Sometimes he's the king of bottling up feelings!

It's a difficult age for talking about stuff. My ds can't articulate his thoughts easily but play therapy let's him express them. I self fund though.

The kids book the huge bag of worries is a good one to read with them. It's quite quaint and old fashioned, but the message is timeless.

Thank you. I found someone reading it on YouTube so I think I'll get us to watch it one day this week

I'm not sure it's easy for any child if I'm honest. Mine are adults now and now have a great relationship with their father - far better than when they were younger. I had to make mine go to their dad's as they also didn't like it - I'm afraid I did force them because I knew their father loved them very much but even to this day, the kids regard my home as home and will happily discuss with younger kids going through the same thing how they didn't like having to move between 2 different places.

My son, in particular, who wasn't very good at organisation found it hard as he got older. In primary school it was a bit easier as you are still a main contact but as they move through school, more onus is placed on the child and if they aren't great at sorting themselves out, this can be difficult.

I think in the end, most young children don't like a lot of change. But if it is any consolation, mine are in their 20s now and can see the benefit to all the contact they had with us both at the time!