Is she listening?

[Duodendum39]

My 3 year old WILL NOT listen unless I yell, loud. If I speak in a normal register it's as if she genuinely can't hear me. So I have to project myself all day every day and it's absolutely exhausting. She is not hard of hearing. Being ignored or being told "no" 24 hours a day by an intelligent, independent confident and resourceful, sassy 3 year old, not a baby or toddler, is frustrating. Picking up the pieces of the trail of destruction after yet another ignored instruction, boundary or suggestion is exhausting. Going anywhere with her is hard, really hard. I have some health issues, hormone issues, baby daddy issues, emotional issues. I got issues. And parenting a boisterous, demanding, ignorant child alone SUCKS. The thing is she is sweet. And I'm sweet with her. And its all lovely. Then half an hour later and I'm in hell. All day, every day it's "no no no , don't do that, leave the cat alone, clean that up, don't touch that, get down from the table, stop moving the furniture, ask before you take something, get put of the fridge, get in bed, stay in bed " it's all the time, non stop. Is this normal? She asks for something literally every 3 minutes. Is that normal? I read parenting articles online A LOT. I try lots of techniques. Sometimes its impossible to remember, like today has been a bad day. She has been a pain and I've been a bitch all day. I havent smacked her. But I have smacked my own head in a couple of times, just because well where do I put all this frustration? I am at the end and I need help. I'm not well, I have gastritis, adenomyosis, I'm due on and I'm having some really dark and negative thoughts. I do hate my life. I look terrible. I'm overweight. I hate myself for being such a bitch. Even though I'm trying. I'm really really trying. Everyone that cares for her says she is hard work. I don't know what to do now. I'm done reading articles. Is my child autistic? Does she have ADHD? Do I? Is there something wrong or is this normal? Does being a single parent simply suck? And everyone is smiling through it pretending to be a great parent with a great child when actually you want to smash your own head in to the bath tiles because you cannot even get a bath , or wash the dishes, or have 3 minutes go by without another demand for something or other. Or is that just me ? I have some support from family. But people have their own lives, and can only tolerate so much of her. And nobody wants to admit they feel this way or think this way. So I'm bottling it all up and I feel I'm going to explode. Enter mumsnet. Please help.

Have you had her hearing checked? My DD passed all her baby hearing tests, nursery had no concerns and had advanced speech for her age but I thought something wasn’t quiet right. Turns out she has glue ear, sometimes her hearing is good and other times isn’t not.

Do you get down at her level and say her name and then wait until she is looking at you?

Being a parent sucks at times. I imagine being a single parent is beyond exhausting.

DS2 never listened at that age to the extent that I had his testing tested. Nothing wrong. Just didn't want to pay any attention to me.
Wasn't that bad with Ds1, but definitely the normal for ds2.

If you check your local councils website they may do some free parenting courses run by social workers. I have just done one and they give some tips, such as model the behaviour you want your child to do.

So rather than shouting, pause any distractions such as TV, get down on her level so she’s looking at you, gently touch her arm to get her attention etc.

Another one they said was praise any good behaviour at all, look out for things you can compliment her on. And rather than saying ‘don’t do that’ say ‘do this’ - so you might say ‘come here and play this with me’ to distract her from whatever she’s up to.

With her asking for lots of things, is she bored maybe? Is there any way she can be encouraged to have more independence, for example healthy snacks in a bowl she can reach? My kids definitely try my patience constantly so I don’t blame you for being fed up with it all.

Thanks for your comments. I've tried all this Beingallthebiscuits, but its good to have a reminder. I Can't see the wood for the trees on a bad day. There may be an element of boredom for her though, yes. When I'm ill she must get bored. There are days when I think I ought to have had her when I was ten years younger!

I will look at some parenting courses though.

Yes getting down on her level works more often than not. No, I haven't had her hearing tested but to tell you the truth, I did have issues with my hearing growing up and I have terrible tinnitus for almost 20 years now. It might be worth getting her tested.

She can hear you just fine OP. She just doesn't want to do what you tell her. 3 is a difficult age. Most people feel frustrated with their toddlers. But they probably also get a break.

What does she do in the day? Does she go to nursery, playgroup, anything like that? It sounds like she needs something else to stimulate her and get her attention. There is also nothing wrong with a parent needing a break. If you don't have family or friends to help give you that, then can you pay for some form of childcare. Even one day a week will help.

If it makes you feel any better OP, when my eldest was 3 I had a 1YO baby to look after as well.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. 3 year olds are super demanding and you are doing a great job as a single mum. Hats off to you. Please give yourself a break.

In regards to your daughter, try and spend time with her. Real time playing and know when she acts up she just wants your attention and love. Make things fun again by making everything a game. Laugh at her not listening, grab and tickle her and say “are we not listening!” And silly things to get her on your side. Whether it’s dressing or tidying up. Investing time with her now will reap rewards, I promise. She is just at a tricky age. She wants independence, but for you to watch and encourage her. My dd was the same at that age and shouting never worked. I just had to embrace new parenting styles that worked for us. You will figure it out. Get her to join in on chores, take a shower together, get her to help do the dishes, pick out your clothes etc. Remember that she is probably a very bright child that gets bored easily. The challenging ones always are, but get her hearing checked just in case.

You sound like you’re struggling personally and I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you. My dc3 is so demanding. I can’t just have a shower, I can’t clean up. It’s full on. To have to deal with health issues on top must be very difficult. Taking care of yourself is so important. Have you spoken to your gp, or a therapist? It’s so demotivating at times, but do try and do some exercise. Even if it’s just a walk a day. Your dd will enjoy this too. Put on some music and dance together. Talk to her and read to her, do jigsaws and painting. Being creative will help you both.

Self care is super important, and you need to ignore the negative thoughts, or talk to someone about them if you’re worried.

Thanks for your replies and suggestions. I do feel a bit better about it all today. As of two weeks ago I have her doing an extra morning at nursery so she can have that stimulation she needs. Talking to other parents and the staff at nursery today, this seems to be a trend with her age group at the minute. I am bipolar and I think I just feel things very intensely and as I havent had a good role model for a parent, I'm not sure what's normal and acceptable from both my child and as a parent. I'm working it out. Thank you.

That’s great that she’s doing the extra morning at nursery. Glad you’re feeling more positive today. I know what you mean about wishing you were ten years younger, I’m almost coming up to a big birthday myself. They’ll keep us young I guess!!