Anyone else with Preteens absolutely terrified of the teenage years to come? Who can tell me some great stories about teenagers?!

[TheAirbender]

I've spent the weekend reading the articles around 'Everyone's Invited' and feeling very despondent. I have two sons, the oldest is 10 and I am truly fearful of what his teenage years will be like. Does anyone else feel like this? Do I only hear the bad stories about teen life? What is good? Help!

My daughter so far (only 14 tho) is awesome. Her thinking has got more complex and darker. She more independent, which takes the pressure off me a bit. Sometimes she's a bit rude and grumpy but that's okay. She's still the same kind, curious, brave person she was as a baby.

I mean, I was scared too. But so far, it's been fine. Better in some ways because they need less and less hands on care. They can run the laundry, cook meals etc.

My dds are 14 and 16 and are honestly fine. They are nice company and pleasant people. I found having a baby and toddler a lot harder

My son is 17, his teen years have been no bother at all. He's polite, friendly, laid back and still spends time with the family, including playing with his 2 year old brother.

He was a nightmare baby and toddler though!

I've spent the last few years teaching teens and they are fabulous. So much more caring than I was and I was fairly caring.

I showed a film that was a mixture of reports about HIV / AIDS from the 80s and they were appalled.

There is the odd dickhead but one thing I have noticed is peer censure.

All so good to read! @sashh what is peer censure? Not a term I have heard before

Mine is great company DD15. She’s funny, smart, thoughtful and kind. I have very few (if any) complaints at all. I enjoy spending time with her. I would say she has been expected from an early age to understand that life does not resolve around just one person or children, but the whole family and there is give and take - what music is in the car/what to watch on tv etc...and although it’s not a boot camp, helping a child understand that there is not an army of servants that make a house run is also a valuable life lesson and reduces flashpoints for conflict. She is expected to help load/unload the dishwasher/help clear the table at the end of a meal , bring down laundry, help put away the weekly shop, feed the dog/ organise his food. She is also expected to organise herself for school or take the punishment for not doing/remembering kit (I’m not running around bringing forgotten PE kits as I work). She is able to make herself basic meals. We also eat dinner together every night and this is non-negotiable as having a chat together every day as a family I think is one of the single most important things you can do for a child. Let them listen to your opinions/views and listen to theirs. However hard, do not break their trust when they tell you the latest gossip/news - teens exaggerate massively . We have a no phones or tech in a bedroom at night policy here...I’m completely convinced an uninterrupted night’s sleep is vital to raising a balanced child. She is allowed to travel to meet friends by herself and has the ability to manage her own money to give her a decent amount of independence. I think start with giving some consideration to what you’d like your boys to be like as a teen and start early. I also know sons of friends who are equally lovely so it’s not just a girl thing.

Also, enjoy them at every age! I’ve not read the article, but I’ve really loved every minute of being a parent - be in the moment and don’t stress too much about the future.

I have a 21 year old DS and a nearly 18 year old DD. Both were great throughout their teenage years.

They become more independent and can be more helpful. They're really good company.

I can say the same of my friends' DC who have also been lovely.

None have ended up in a bad crowd or in trouble.

They do spend more time in their own rooms (we eat together to catch up) which meant that DH and I finally got the TV remote back!

I have 3 teens and they are funny and kind. The teen years are nothing to be scared of but I think the saying 'bigger kids bigger problems' is true. There's some stuff you just can't fix as a parent no matter how much you want to. And to be honest, there's stuff they just want to keep private.

All so good to read! @sashh what is peer censure?

Basically calling each other out. So if a student had a go at me mostly it was other students who told them their behaviour wasn't acceptable.

I adore having a teenager.

I have worked with them for years and have always enjoyed their company. They have such an amazing energy and can be so interested in the world around them. Their brains are also very plastic so like as a child they are open to new ideas.

My teenager is messy, angry, creative, funny, sociable and hard working. She's a marvellous mish mash of character traits, some of which need more work than others! It's my job now to guide, not to tell.

I am loving watching her grow up - it's magical.

Teenagers get a bad press. She can be rude and grumpy and leave her crap everywhere but she is growing into an incredible human. It's a real privilege to watch.

My teen DS is a great person. He's old enough that I don't have to worry too much about censoring what movies & shows he watches, and we can watch things together. He's developing strong interests and passions that are really his own. He doesn't really get angry and aggressive, or silent and sullen.

We have problems motivating him to try hard at school but in the scheme of things it's mostly a positive time of life.

dd is 16 and delightful, mostly. Guilty of being a little high handed sometimes, and definitely grumpy in the morning but no real issues. Thoughtful, funny and well adjusted.
The other two are just 14 and they are more challenging, but still kind and helpful. My concerns aren’t about their behaviour towards others, more about an overdependence on technology and gaming!

Gosh everyone, thank you! Feeling so much more positive already. To be poster who said be in the moment - so true...I forget that sometimes!

Teens are fab! I have a 15yo DS and a 13yo DD (and a pre teen DS) and they are all lovely. Yes they may moan a bit when asked to do chores or whatever, but they're cool and funny and loving and never rude or obnoxious. Personally I found the baby and toddler years far harder!

I have 3 teen girls. Attitude can be a bitch but equally they are independent, competent, bright and interesting. Learning loads of soft and hard skills so they are ready to speed their wings.

If I don't want to cook they'll rustle a meal up for any number. They can clean. Everyone does their own washing and pulls their weight. They can take care of a complicated bunch of animals.

Even when they are being mean they are still competent!

I have two teens, one of each and they are amazing people.
Funny, caring, polite and shockingly clean and tidy!
I chose to parent them very differently than my own parents, who are wonderful but weren't great during my teen years.

I'm always their mum first but I've worked hard at the friend bit too.
I quietly care for & love them unconditionally everyday, I listen, I totally ignore the small battles, I'm forgiving and I let them know I'm always there when they are struggling (often via a little note or text so that I'm not too intrusive)

I remember clearly how hard it can be as a teenager and I think that helps. My mum had ridiculous expectations and battled with me, I do the opposite!

Dd is now almost 20 and we have the most amazing relationship, we're best friends. Maybe that would have happened anyway but I do think the way I have negotiated the teen years has helped.

Mine is 15. The tricky bits have largely been around social issues- lockdown has not helped obviously. On the whole, she is funny, sarcastic, kind, independent, hard working and the best company I could ask for.

@sashh

All so good to read! @sashh what is peer censure?

Basically calling each other out. So if a student had a go at me mostly it was other students who told them their behaviour wasn't acceptable.

Ah, makes sense - thank you! So pleased I started this thread.

Mine are now 21,18 & 14. Each has been a different teen experience. The following is just my experience. Thinking becomes deeper and it can take longer to get to the bottom of what is actually bothering them. This can be difficult and requires a lot of patience. They are growing at an alarming rate and develop an enormous appetite. Hygiene will go from one extreme to the other. They still need a hug.

I find the run up to puberty harsh and the first year and after that they settle, but you have to adjust your parenting a lot

My son is nearly 15 and he’s brilliant. He can have his daft moments and the odd Kevin the teenager moment but he’s so clever, wel-read, engaged and truly passionate about causes he cares about.

I have two teenage sons, they have lovely friends, the group have called out shitty behaviour by a friend but it was done in a way that says this is the end of this, let's draw a line under it and move on. This does not mean unlimited chances though.

Using TV shows we point out dodgy behaviour, eg Ross on Friends pretending to be a massage therapist to touch a half naked women, we point out good relationships, we have talked about consent and implied consent (Dh doesn't ask me if I want a hug because he knows I will want one) we have talked about one night stands and the dangers of not knowing a person well, also alcohol and the effects on behaviour.

My sons are truly great, do chores, hang up their wet towels every day, make cups of tea, we have a family dinner every day and lunch together when they are not in school etc. We talk about our day and any issues that one of them is having. They are thoughtful, caring and kind.

They are 18 and 15 now, they were never allowed to physically fight when they were younger, you couldn't hit a kid in school so you cannot hit your brother. Violence is never the answer, that goes for women slapping men too.

We have kept communication open, tried not to be horrified at some of the stuff said by others in secondary school. Every day we ask them what have they done in school, not have you had a good day, so we know what they are doing in History or Physics. Actual conversations about school. They never resorted to the one syllable grunts, totally unacceptable, they would never speak to a teacher that way. They don't get to treat us like shit just because we are their parents.

I would call it out if they spoke to Dh that way and vice-versa. Hold them accountable for their actions, work out solutions with them. Make them think for themselves and guide it rather than telling them what to do.

I was raised in a shouty and violent household. I wanted something very different for my own children.

I have 2 teenage boys. They are bothe lovely in their own way and are nothing to be afraid of. You just need to change your approach as they grow and learn how to step back gradually and give guidance in different ways.

Advantage are they can cook, clean (sometimes) do laundry, watch films together, have interesting conversations.

Disadvantage is the they eat A LOT.

The worst is the amount they eat and the weird smell they leave in their bedrooms. They do stomp which makes me laugh most the time. But when they deign us with their presence they can be great.