I have no support network. No one to call upon, without it being a liberty. Would you advertise for a "Mrs Doubtfire"

[Oblomov]

Neither of our mums live nearby. My sil is moving soon. My neighbours are lovely, but I don't want to impose.
I am a diabetic and dh is a type 2 diabetic aswell. My mum has expressed concern that I have no support network - I am currently pregnant , although may have miscarried. My mum worries how I will cope.
What do others do, who have no family round them ?
I have considered placing an advert, so that I might find a nice older lady who could be called upon, or for babysitting, or in an emergency I would have someone to call upon.
What are the alternatives ?

Gameboy and Fennel thank you for your comments.
Unfortunately Neverenough has raised a very worrying issue.

It is a quandary isn't it? We have no support network and I do worry about what would happen if one of us was to be ill (dh also a type 1 diabetic and is also away a lot for work) but with only having the one dc it isn't too difficult to manage as we both work full time so she has a full time nursery place. I think it wil be more difficult when she starts school though.

I think the Mrs Doubtfire idea is fantastic - perhaps the mother or MIL of a friend could do it? Then it wouldn't be totally random, you will have some sort of connection iyswim.

Saying that my diabetes does only seem to go beserk due to pregnancy.

You know, I think you've identified a real gap. A 'nan' sounds like a wonderful idea. I don't have any family locally (and DDs grannies are ancient anyway) and the one thing I am truly envious of is people with young-enough, local grannies. I'd love a 'nan'. I've no idea how to find one though.

Now DD is at school, one of the other similarly 'unsupported' mums and I agreed to put each other down on the emergency contact list in case of something unforeseen. In our case its largely theoretical though, sounds like you need something rather firmer in place.

The idea about asking a local clergyman isn't such a bad idea - even though I'm an atheist I know that many churches are likely to have well-meaning kindly ladies of a certain age who might like to do more than flower arranging.

if you are really worried about cover in an emergency, you can sign up to a local nanny agency. Almost all of them will do emergency/temporary nannies on short term notice. Obviously, you wouldn't have met them before you employed them but hopefully, you'd have an adult to at least introduce them to your children!

I keep meaning to do this as a last resort.

I agree there's a gap for this sort of care. One of my friends is considering setting up a sort of Mother's help business, maybe including cleaning. I suggested a Holiday Nanny aspect as that's something I'd like. But emergency babysitting/childcare cover would fit in well there too.

I would have thought, if you feel you are capable of looking after other children, then you would be. It wouldn't put me off that a carer had diabetes. It would only put me off if I didn't trust them to be responsible.

Also, maybe those "lovely neighbours" of yours don't actually mind. we have an old lady neighbour who misses her own grandchildren and offers to babysit ours or pick them up from school. We've only used her once as we do seem to have plenty of support at the moment but I suspect she would like to be asked more.

I can't thank you enough - I have lots of food for thought - I will consider all aspects, from other peoples au pairs, to nanny agency's, mothers help, etc etc.

Oblomov, if you can afford it I would get some weekly regular help, maybe a cleaner who would be happy to help out with the children for emergencies. There are no prizes for doing it all on your own, so if money isn't an issue, get going with an advert. There will be times when you could really do with a break and you won't want to ask any of the people you meet through school as you'll want to save up the favours for emergencies.

This will be the hardest bit, as the children get older they can be trained exactly what to do if you have a problem with your diabetes. DD is quite responsible now and knows what to do if DH has a hypo, though luckily the only time it has happened whilst in charge was when I was in the house.

I have my fingers crossed that everything works out with your pregnancy.

You don't have to be a churchgoer to ask the Priest/Vicar to help you. There may well be someone in the area who's family live away who would love to "adopt" some grandchildren in return for a bit of companionship and knowing they too can call on you to feed the cat, etc.
You might even find someone who doesn't want to be paid!
Didn't mean to cause undue worry Oblomov but I do think other mothers, especially those who have no close experience with diabetes, may be concerned about safety issues.

tbh oblomov I don't think that your diabetes is the only issue here. You are pg and have no support network. Anything could happen, diabetes aside. What about the birth? I assume you have to give birth in hospital due to your diabetes (apologies if I am wrong here) so what will you do then?

These are questions I ask myself all the time. What if dh or I are hospitalised, how would the other cope? What do we do with dd if we have another dc and I have pg complications? What if she is ill at school and neither of us can get away? We have an issue with Christmas Eve being a Monday, both dh and I have to work and the nursery is shut. What do we do?

SOrry to waffle, but this question is on my mind too obv

What about local mumsnetters, do you know any? I have some lovely local ones here who have offered emergency childcare, and who I'd help out too. None of us have known each other very long either.

i advertised in the local paper for a similar thing when ds2 was a baby. a found a lovely woman who was a p/t childminder with her own baby the same age as mine. she came here for various hours a week, then when ds was a bit older, he spent the odd morning there. she has been a life saver, for example , when we got married, she had both children over night. she is now one of my closest friends and our lives have moved on and she is no longer on the pay roll! we help each other our. cost me 12 quid to advertise, best money i ever spent. there are people out there, many sahm themselves who will glady do this for a few extra pounds esp if they can bring their own children. do it!!

typing pants am ill sorry. brain fried with temperature.

Hello to lovely chocolateteapot, down nr Bournemouth.
Neverenough, no offense taken, at all. I know what you are saying is something that HAS to be considered.
Tigerfeet, the questions you raise are the reason why my mum is so concerned.
I was in Kings for 5 days have a c-section with ds.
I was admitted for 5 days last week - it was quite a strain on dh and ds - transporting ds to his sisters, 30 minutes away, and then his journey to work took over 2 hrs, becasue he was stuck on the M25, rather than his usual 40 minutes journey at 6am.
And if I do continue with this pregnancy, or try again, Kings want me to attend clinic regularly. What do I do with ds ?
I used to get up at 6am. drive to train station, trian to waterloo, bus to kings, have a scan at 9-10am , wait to have bloods taken , wait to see midwife, then my diabetic specialist. Would often not leave the hospital until 2pm. bus back to waterloo, then train, then car home . Would often not get back till 5pm. An 11 hour day.
Are you suggesting that I do this whilst heavily pregnant and take a 4 yr old , trying to amuse him.
Or I drop ds at nursery, which doesn't open till 8am. Then with train and bus, could not get to Kings before 10. Wait on a no-appointmetn basis for a scan, To find that the diabetic clinic often closes at 12. Journey back to collect ds.

Either way it is not easy, is it ?

Oh Oblomov, that sounds a nightmare Could your GP surgery share some of your care eg at least have bloods done there in preparation for clinic visits maybe and some of the Midwife checks ?

I do think you should look at getting help if you possibly can, someone like your Nan sounds as if they would be perfect if you can find one.

Kings refuse to take pregnant pump patients without their antenatal care being done there aswell.

Oblomov - what a tough situation. It must be hard managing without support.

I live in camberwell. If you bring DS to Camberwell for your appts (not your favourite choice I'm sure) I could take him to Ruskin Park - next to the hospital - while you're seen.
I'm police checked and everything .

Well that's not very flipping helpful of them is it (being restrained !) What about one of the other ones, could they be an option ? Is it worth having a chat to your GP about it ? It's hard enough being pregnant without a massive long day each time you need a check up.

I think some agencies are able to supply staff at short notice. I know a neighbour of ours used them when she went into hospital suddenly with their 4th in the middle of the night (we had offered by the way!)

Barryscott, thank you, what a kind offer. I will bear you in mind.
In an ideal world I would not have to find care for my son so much. I want him to be with me. But sometimes it doesn't seem possible - e.g. he has been to Kings - he loves the train, but 11 hrs, regularly is too much and imagine if he was difficult or whiney.
Maybe I make things too complicated. Maybe I want it all and can't have it all.

Crayon - what kind of agencies ?

I don't think you are making things complicated at all. I really understand whare you are coming from. It really is hard sometimes.

Is there any possibility of finding a childminder near Kings to have your ds on appointment days if ImBarryScott isn't in the right place? It doesn't solve your problem long term but it might make things easier while you come up with a lasting solution.

I still like the Mrs Doubtfire. Perhaps a local retired childminder?

i'm sure you'll sort out something better, but just in case, my email is [email protected]

ooh - that's an idea Tigerfeet. Southwark Children information service is 0800 013

ooh - that's an idea Tigerfeet. Southwark Children information service is 0800 013 0639. they'll have the up to date CM lists.