I feel like I've really messed up somehow with dd and I've got no idea what to do. I could go on all day so I'll try and keep it brief, sorry if I end up dripfeeding.
DD is 17, DH is her stepfather as her 'father' was abusive and I left him when dd was less than a year old and he got the humpf about that and hasn't been in touch since not long after that, since we got divorced. I brought up dd alone until DH and I got together when she was 8 and got married when she was 11.
For years I’ve known DD has had sensory processing disorder and possibly other needs, oppositional defiance disorder has been mentioned – she had ‘minor’s issues but nothing that was too hard to manage, she had a lot of assessment etc but they decided as she was functioning ok, managed ok at school with minor adjustments etc that they didn’t want to formally label her and wouldn’t put any more support in place as they felt all was manageable. This was around the age of 8/9. Since then I’ve just been trying to parent as well as possible and relying on letting her be herself and trusting that as she grows she’ll mature into herself and be able to manage her own needs ok. Things like needing quite a limited but still balanced diet, having to be mindful of what clothes she’s comfortable in etc, being more resistant to change than other kids but nothing that needed intense help.
Now though I’m looking back and things only seem to be going downhill more and more not upwards and I feel like an idiot, like I’ve done everything wrong in parenting and haven’t got a clue what to do about it now. The issues have been building for a long time, please don’t think this is a lockdown thing but covid and lockdown has intensified everything massively.
We’re now at the point where DD has been barely eating for a week and a half, pretty much just chips, the odd cheeseburger and whatever crap she can find it the house in the middle of the night. She stays in bed unless she’s got an online lesson, is probably going to do badly at her A-level results because she doesn’t feel she can manage revising at all and doesn’t do anything around the house.
She doesn’t enjoy anything, her mood swings between being quiet on her phone, trying to argue with us, being sad and upset or asleep in bed. All she does is moan and tell me how awful everything is, even down to the hoover I just bought is rubbish! I get this sounds like the effect of lockdown but this is just the extreme end of what she’s like anyway. She doesn’t want to hear at all that she might need to get help for her mental health, even if just self help books or talking to us. She doesn’t want counselling or to see GP or even to speak to other family or a friend.
If she ever does seem slightly willing to talk she’ll argue black is white - if you ask what she wants she doesn’t know, if you suggest we talk about it she doesn’t see the point but if you don’t talk then you’re ignoring her, if you try to explore what she might want she’s not interested. If you suggest practical things they ‘won’t work’, if you talk emotions she’s not bothered, if you say nothing she gets frustrated or just goes back to bed. If you try and be gentle and give her space she does nothing, if you try and be strict she throws epic tantrums, age 17, as in things like literally jumping up and down on the floor in anger.
Now she’s been hinting at ‘not wanting to be here anymore’ and not seeing the point of life, we’ve tried to talk about suicide and help for this but again, she can’t be bothered. It sounds awful but I don’t even know whether to take her seriously and do something – part of me feels she’s only saying it to make everything sound as bad as possible.
DH is pretty useless, I sound awful saying that but it’s just the quickest way to say how I feel – he looks to me to lead in any stuff at home and if I want his input he doesn’t know what to do. I know I have a DH problem too but I feel overwhelmed trying to deal with everything.
I feel at the end of my tether – I’m running round morning to night trying to keep everyone ‘together’ and it’s not working anyway and I’m losing myself in it all too. I’m sorry this is so long, I think I've probably parented all wrong but where do I start to get this sorted?