Can children and parents be friends?

[TTCnum1]

Had a debate with my mum about this and I'm not sure I agree with her. Her opinion is that parents cannot be friends with their children because it blurs the boundaries and puts pressure on the child's mental health as they feel like they have to live up to being their parents best friend. I understand where she is coming from but I also think there is a delicate balance that can be struck whereby you can have a friendly relationship with them. My mum has always said to me, even now as an adult, that she is not my friend and never will be as she is my mum. But as an adult I find that quite hurtful because it suggests lack of respect that I'm also now an adult and that I'm always being treated like a child.
Anyone have any thoughts? I don't have children so I'm not sure if my opinion would be different if I did!

I have DC varying in age from toddler to early twenties and I've always veered more towards the friendship side of parenting. Consequently my young adult DCs consider me to be mum and friend, without question, and I feel the same. It hasn't affected how I parent, so far I've had little issue with teen angst, and we all have a fab dynamic.

Having said that, I had my eldest 2 (who are now early twenties) when I was very young, and I felt like I grew up alongside them if that makes sense? So perhaps that's why we're like that? Each to their own but I love being friends with my kids because they're bloody awesome human beings!

My mum treated me like a friend/confidante from around the age of 10. Partly because she didn't have anyone else. I was privy to lots of information regarding my dad having an affair with his secretary.

This continued right through my teens, with her then having an affair or two and me being an accessory to facilitate these affairs.

She would often compare herself to me, in her favour. She was better looking than me, had a better body than me, was a better dancer than me. She came out clubbing with me and my friends which they all thought was great.....

I just wanted a mum. A proper mum.

I am first and foremost a mum to my daughter, always will be.
That is the the relationship.

I somewhat agree with your mum. I have a friendship with my daughter, but I am not her friend, I’m her mum.

I find that pretty weird. My mum and I have always been close but she was absolutely mum first and friend second. Any confiding was me to her and any supporting flowed from her to me. She was never needy. As I became an adult and no longer needed the same boundaries or guidance we became much more like friends. I’m a grown up so quite able to offer some support in return for all she does for me and my new family. We also greatly enjoy one another’s company.

I think when the child becomes an established adult in their own right, maybe with a family of their own, then I think a parent can step back and change the dynamic from parent to friend as it is an acknowledgement of the fact that you are now two adults and that is a very different relationship. Obviously you will still be there in a crisis, but generally you can be respectful of your child's status as an independent adullt and only advise when called upon to do so and only involve yourself when invited. It shows you trust them to live their own lives and that imho is the loving thing to do.

Meant to say that before adulthood though, especially in teen years, although you should. always be available to talk and encourage, you definitely need to be in parent mode still.

I was also used inappropriately as a confidante for my mother because she didn't want anyone else to know her marriage to my shit of a father was a sham.

This did irreparable damage to me, my relationship with my (now dead) father and eventually to our relationship as mother and daughter. We were very close when I was younger and now I choose to have very little contact with her.

So no, I don't think it's a good idea to be 'friends' with your children. I have a very different relationship with friends to that of parent and child, so why would I want to replicate this relationship with my child?

I have a very young daughter but I hope to build a relationship based on love, respect and healthy boundaries. I'll have to see how it goes!

I saw a post on here this morning that made me think about this! The one where she said her and her mum were best friends but a distance had grown between them.

I don't think it can be a friendship. As a parent you're holding back a part of yourself because you have so much potential influence over your child and even as an adult they risk being enmeshed with you. I think if we'd both had loads of therapy we could try for an honest relationship where we acknowledge what we are to each other but it's still not friendship.

I think it's easier to see from the parent side than the child side.

I think it's a balance and it is possible to be both. Our children are adults now, but same still applies albeit to a lesser extent. my primary approach was primarily as a friend. But my children were under no illusion that our primary roles were as parents, and that where necessary, parent has to trump being a friend. We also had to sometimes remind ourselves/each other of that!!

There are different types of friendship and I suspect this is really about what people mean by 'friend'. You see it on threads about friendship that some people think a true friend is someone you can call at 3am in tears. Whereas I'm thinking 'why do you need to do that regularly?' My friends are for having fun with, my life is not dramatic.

I think a parent should be emotionally supportive of their child but should not expect their child to emotionally support them. As the child grows to adulthood that relationship can change to a friendship of equals then as the parent ages and loses capability they can become more dependent on their child. It is a lifetime relationship and is not static.

I agree with your mum. A friendship suggests back and forth in terms of sharing problems or worries etc. Imo kids should be able to go to their mum with anything but mums shouldn't put too much on their kids. They should get their friendship and support needs met elsewhere. That is not to say that there isn't love and affection and care.

It's always better to "rule" by consensus rather than being authoritarian if at all possible. Mine are young adults now and we discuss things as adults these days. When they were younger though, sometimes they needed us to be adults rather than friends, even if they didn't like it at the time. I think oversharing personal issues about the other parent is not a good idea though.

I think they can be - I don't think there's any pressure unless a parent is an arse about it and expects to be in their child's social life or something. I agree that parents shouldn't really be putting their worries on their kids excessively, though I'm happy for my mum to share her problems with me.

I think there's a huge breadth of "friendship" - I have different friends for different parts of my life. I have a friendship with my mum in some sense but we're still very much mum & daughter, and the friendliness is because of our family relationship. If we weren't related I don't think we'd be pals.

My children are now in their early-mid 20s. The elder, DS, I have a very friendly relationship with, even though he was a nightmare growing up (undiagnosed autism and hearing loss) and parental boundaries were enforced regularly. DD, the boundaries often blur, and I feel when they do there's sometimes an element of disrespect. I was young when they were born - I would never classify my relationship with my parents (30+ year gap) as friends, the boundaries are tall and strong and have never really changed. Maybe a generational thing?