I’ve lost it

[harriedmum]

DD is 7, and had an urgent referral to PCAMHS this year because she hits us, screams at us, sometimes says she wants to kill herself. Its like being in an abusive relationship: I wake up and lie there thinking about how to get through the day so that she stays on an even keel, doesn’t shout at us, doesn’t get upset and tip over into feeling bad about herself. Everyday its a struggle just to get her to brush her teeth and get dressed: she just wants to watch TV, and will scream/hit/throw things if we say no.

Its completely up to me to implement all the CAMHS and other strategies to manage her behaviour: DH is supportive but like a child himself, he will do things if I tell him but won’t do anything himself proactively. They both also always want me to be calm, always kind, never to crack: anything said in an angry voice gets a big reaction (DH gets upset, tells me I snap at him all the time, and if I don’t do things exactly right with DD, the situation rapidly spirals; its the difference between a 5 minute disagreement that ends in hugs versus crying/shouting/hitting/screaming that she wishes she was dead).

I lost it with DD today entirely; I was rough, I yanked her arm to pull her out of her hiding place, I lifted her off the stairs and back into her room, and handed her a toothbrush and shouted at her to brush her teeth. She was absolutely terrified.

I can’t do any of this anymore. I just want to walk out of the door and walk away forever.

Op, I’m so sorry you are having a tough time, sounds like 2 kids not 1 you have to deal with. I wonder if they have similar issues?

Do the strategies work? Have you heard of therapeutic parenting? What support is there for you?

No great ideas, take a day at a time, find support for you (school? Does she have EHCP? Any diagnosis?)

None of us are perfect, we all get it wrong, apologise and move on reminding yourself of what NOT to do (grabbing and dragging not ideal), time limits on screens/TV,

It’s the weekend, don’t stress about teeth if you do t have too, allow her time to hide away if you can.

Sounds like you all need some kindness, is there a chance if something fun to do?

💐

You sound overwhelmed and like you need a break and more support. Do you have family or friends who could help lighten your load for a while? Or what about going to stay with a friend for a week while your DH handles things at home? If you are so stressed that you’re flying off the handle at your child in the way that you describe, it is only going to make the situation worse longer term. Could you be depressed? Irritability can be a sign of depression. Does your DD have a diagnosis of autism or anything else? Has she always been like this or has it started under lockdown?

You’re having a really shitty time. You need to come first. Don’t feel any sense of recrimination. What got me through is ‘this will pass.’ Ride the wave. Health and social care are overwhelmed by need leaving mothers to cope mostly alone. When it’s tough, agree with yourself ‘this is shit’. I even now repeat to myself Michael Rosen’s Bear Hunt ‘Can’t go over it. Can’t go under it. Got to go through it.’ That man was my saviour.

Its started under lockdown: there were some issues before, but within normal childhood stuff. It just escalated during lockdown: she’s an only child, and was just so lonely.

There isn’t a diagnosis or EHCP: she doesn’t have any issues at school at all, school looks at us like we are bonkers when we tell them the situation at home.

I’m definitely depressed, and the lack of support is definitely an issue: my family are not in the UK, and our relationship is strained. I thought we had a close-knit set of parents whose kids were friends from school, but they’ve just disappeared: I know everybody is having such a difficult time during lockdown, but it was still a bit stunning to share the problems we were having with DD with people we thought were close friends, and then ...nothing.

DD is an only child (another way we’ve failed as parents: she would do so much better with a sibling), and is so lonely... DH bumped into the two other children having a play date just before school reopened, and it turns out they were doing this regularly. The parent with them looked quite embarrassed apparently.

Thank you so much for your messages btw: yes, we just have to go through it. The idea of going away for a few nights is also a good one, and I think a complete break would probably do me a lot of good, because its otherwise so unrelenting.

Feel for you, I have the same issue with my dd 8 who is currently being assessed by cahms for autism. She is fine at school although very very quiet and has friendship issues because she is so possessive. She has been having bad meltdowns lately and the worst one was night before last when her BFF from school decided she didn't want to be her friend anymore ! It took ages for her to calm down and I was on the verge of walking out. I'm ashamed to admit that I been rough with her and shouted at her when I've been exhausted and fed up with her defiance at refusing to get dressed for school and brushing her teeth. I'm a single mum but her dad is here sometimes but to be honest I would rather deal with her on my own, it's easier! She too is an only child so I feel terribly guilty about that and lockdown has been hell. I called the sen team at school on Friday and told them I couldn't cope anymore and they were very good and have arranged a meeting next week. I have a man friend who I meet up with sometimes for wine and that is my saving grace!! No real advice just wanted you to know you are not alone !!

Oh lolipoprainbow that sounds so hard! My DD also frequently has friendship issues she gets really really cross about: I'm glad schools are open again, but it also means that we're back to her coming back absolutely steaming about some perceived slighf from her friends. I cannot imagine the ructions that result if her BFF said she didn't want to be friends anymore.

I think I also need to find a friend to have wine with, even if its not a man friend