Twin mum feel like a terrible mummy

[Justtrynagetby]

Hello, looking for a bit of reassurance really that I’m not a terrible mum. I’m a ftm to twins and combi-feeding. Yesterday my twins fed on the breast for a long time and seemed happy and contented. Then a short while later they both woke up ravenously hungry (I think may be going through a growth spurt, are 3 months old). Second twin kept screaming at the boob and pulling away. As he was getting so distressed I went to make him a bottle as he seemed starving. He screamed the house down the whole time I was preparing the bottle. I tried my best to speak to him as I made it and run back and fore to comfort him in between. Even tried holding him and making 1 handed but had to set him down eventually and just let him cry so I could finish it off. My other twin had also started crying by this point. Poor baby was inconsolable for a couple hours after, so much so I couldn’t get him to latch onto the bottle teat to drink. I just had to hold him and rock him as best I could while feeding the other twin. In the end my partner came home and I could hold baby with both arms and eventually he calmed down and took the feed. I have never seen him so distressed before and feel like such a terrible mum. I know you’re not supposed to let babies cry but when this kind of thing happens and you have to make a fresh bottle up on the fly (been advised by hv not to make in advance), what can you do? Especially when there’s another baby in the mix. I feel so bad as hv keeps saying it can damage the baby’s brain to be left crying, but this time was unavoidable and getting food for him had to be the priority.

There are other situations when I am with them both on my own when I have to leave one cry to see to the other one. Again I try and distract or flit back and fore to comfort the crying one. Would love to hear how other mums with twins deal with these kind of situations. I feel that the advice in general never takes into account mothers dealing with two babies and I feel so bad that I can’t respond as fully as I would with just the one baby. It also means that the baby that cries the hardest gets the most attention as the quieter one sometimes has to wait and I don’t get as much time with him. Trying not to beat myself up as I am doing the best I can without any help when partner is working, but it’s just double the mummy guilt with the two!

I'm not a twin mum but I've got a similar age DD and an older DS and what I've learnt second time round is that sometimes babies just have to cry. You physically can't be in two places at once so don't beat yourself up.

Both of mine have been FF and I love my perfect Prep machine. Otherwise I'd do the sterile cooled water in the fridge in bottles and add boiled water & formula to that when needed technique. Making a bottle in the proper way every time just takes forever.

I am ftm to twins who are now 3 and its really hard in the early months. I would combi feed too but only latest until 4 months before I switched to formula only. I had 10 bottles. when they would nap I would batch make all 10 bottles and leave in the fridge so that when they were hungry I could take them out and put them in hot water to warm them. If you don't want to buy a prep machine this is an option. We had a nurse one day to help and she said pre made bottles can last in the fridge for hours so it made life easier.
Unfortunately you can't deal with them both at the same time and one will have to cry sometimes but it won't do them any harm. Countless times I would put one to nap and the other would fall asleep on their playmat whilst I was gone.
My DTwins are the happiest children and the fact that we couldn't do skin to skin or hold them all day or had to leave one cry sometimes hasn't done them any harm.
I am sure you are a great mum to them! Stay strong, it does get easier

Sometimes for the sake of practicality you have to go with next best rather than best practice.

I would make up a bottle (or two) as soon as I had fed one and leave it in the back of the fridge for next time. This means it's never waiting long, so not much of a chance for bacteria to multiply, but there are always bottles available so you're not stressing and panicking trying to get it done in time (which might even lead to errors like not using a clean sterilised knife, miscounting etc).

NHS and WHO advice says make up fresh when possible, but when this is not practical the next best thing is to make up with hot water, flash cool and keep in the back of the fridge for up to 12 hours.

Could you buy some ready made bottles for emergencies like the situation you described?

We made up 24 hours worth of bottles, cooled them quickly and left them in the fridge- our HV said this was good

I used to have one crying while they waited for their milk, as I was exclusively bf but four tandem feeding too hard/intense/hard to lay them down after. It’s so intensely stressful and horrible listening to it, so i can totally empathise.

You’re not damaging their brains- that’s TERRIBLE feedback!! You aren’t leaving them to cry, they just have to wait a bit. They can hear your voice and know you’re there- you’re not just leaving them to cry it out. This also happens when you have lots of children- sometimes there’s just a delay.

It’s SO much easier with one baby in this regard. Twins is just so difficult in the first few months.

One of mine cried at the breast because of possible reflux, so keep an eye out for any further symptoms.

You are doing incredibly well, do not doubt this! Health visitors are really hit and miss, and some of mine have said seriously stupid things... yours sounds awful as I cannot believe they said this to you.

Oh OP twins are so hard in the baby days. Mine are 4 now and it's a distant memory but there were many occasions where all 3 of us were crying when DH got home.

You have to leave them to cry sometimes, you're not an octopus, you only have 2 hands. I felt terrible about it too, but I can confirm that my pair are bright, sociable and happy and as far as I can tel their brains were not damaged due to having to wait while their sublime was fed.

Practical tips - perfect prep machine. I know there are mixed reviews but this literally saved me. Bottle ready in an instant. It's not great advice to make bottle sup in advance really due to the bacteria that can build up, but you could get some ready made formula to have on hand for emergencies.
I exclusively bottle fed with expressed milk and formula and would sit them in their rockers to feed while I held a bottle with each hand.
Dummies - sometimes popping a dummy in the non feeding twins mouth bought me some time.

This is such a hard time to have a baby, let alone 2. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Sublime = sibling

You can make bottles in advance and put in fridge for up to 24hrs. It says so by nhs and who.

I would get your dh to make up 4 small bottles each morning before work of say 3oz. That’s gives each baby 2 small bottles each ready on top of breastfeeding incase you need fast. Then just run under warm water tap or in bowl warm water to warm quickly

I have no advice on twins, but would just say your mental health and energy are more important than BF. Getting to 3 months is pretty good with twins, and deciding to switch to formula is perfectly reasonable.

I don't have twins, but have had children very close together. I just wanted to reassure you that everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. The first baby (babies) is often such an anxious time. If they cry, you feel as though something terrible must be wrong, and if they sleep through a feed, you feel as though they've been starved. It's really hard being a first time parent. I bet your'e doing far better than you give yourself credit for. I've always made bottles in advance. You'll find guidelines and advice change all the time. It used to be lay baby on their front, then their back, top of cot, bottom of cot, swaddle, don't swaddle, cot bumpers, no cot bumpers. Honestly you could drive yourself crackers with it all. Early stages, just getting through the day is a massive achievement.

You poor thing, feeling so guilty! It's awful hearing them cry, isn't it? But sometimes there is just no other choice. Although I don't have twins, I do have a newborn who has to wait sometimes while I see to my toddler.
As for what your HV said, she expressed herself badly and was very silly to say such an awful thing to you. Perhaps I can clear it up.... Repeatedly leaving babies to cry for very long periods can influence their brain development and have some effect on issues of attachment. But this would have to be extreme, absolutely NOT what is happening in your situation, where you sound loving and caring and are doing everything in your power to meet your babies' needs. Don't worry about it anymore. It is impossible sometimes to be in two places at once. Your baby will be absolutely fine.

What worked for my friend is having her babies on a regular feeding schedule and having bottles prepped in advance. I wouldn't bother with BF'ing twins as it sounds like it isn't working out for you and making things so much harder.

Oh, op.

I have two sets of twins (23 and 29), and none of them have been damaged by having to wait a few minutes crying. It's something that happens with singletons too. That's mum guilt talking, block that cruel bitch out.

For breastfeeding help with twins, if your mix feeding, can you make a schedule so you feed one bottle and one breast at alternating feeds? That way you might be able to easier feed one in arms and bottle feed other, then swap at next feed?
Then if you want to breastfeed both only do so for say first feed in morning and last feed before bed when you have your dh around so he can calm the other whilst you feed if needed.

I have no idea about tandem feeding, but have you tried breastfeeding them both at same time? This might be easier once they get big enough and stronger to support own heads. If you can try tandem feeding at first and last feed then you could have dh with you to help position them and might be easiest propped up in bed. Then once fed in morning get your dh to take them both to living room and he can play/ settle to sleep whilst you try and have an hour to relax/ rest/shower

Twin mummies need a medal, honestly. I don’t know how you do it.

I have been friends with two sets of triplets in my life and both sets were incredibly laid back, easygoing and patient. I think it must have been because from the word go they had to wait!

My sister has newborn twins and a 3yo and even with her husband there too, man it sounds tough. She's pumping and bottle feeding and not being precious about giving formula if she doesn't have any pumped milk. She uses the ready made formula. I also think your hv is at best careless with words and at worst misinformed and an idiot. There will be times your baby cries. Even with a single baby at a time, sometimes you might get caught out with bottle prep and need to cool it while they are crying hungry. Not ideal, but not damaging. Or sometimes they're fed, changed, well rested, and they still cry! Not damaging! Crying with your reassuring presence around and about, doing the best you can, that isn't damaging. What would be damaging to brain development is leaving them shut away crying alone for hours 80's Romanian orphanage.

What your health visitor should have explained is that it’s developmentally damaging for babies to be left to cry for long periods of time repetitively. There is no evidence that crying for brief periods whilst a bottle is being made or because mum’s having a quick shower is going to do any harm. Please don’t give yourself a hard time about this! Having one baby is hard! Having two babies with competing demands is almost impossible! You’re doing an amazing job.

Thank you all for replying and being so lovely and supportive. It has really helped put my mind at ease. @Potterythrowdown I just looked up the mixing cooled boiled water with boiling water thing, sounds like it would save a lot of time and the boiling water would still kill the bacteria in the powder. Do you know what ratio of cooled to boiled water to use? Thanks for the tip.

Thanks @RoseWineandCake :) It’s so hard isn’t it not being able to do all the nice things you might have more time for with just one baby. At the moment it’s just keeping them clean, fed and comfortable and interacting with them as much as I can. It’s good to know it gets better though and leaving them to cry sometimes out of necessity won’t have an adverse effect.

@twinmum2017 thanks for saying that, it really helped. I think lockdown if anything exacerbates the anxiety as you can’t get out to groups or anything and speak to other mums.

Thanks for all the advice and support I feel a lot better now. The hv talked about this out of context of this incident so don’t think she was being deliberately unsupportive, probably just clumsy wording - thanks for clarifying what she meant though.

@Eteri 2 sets of twins I am in awe! Mine are fraternal so I’ve been told there’s a 1 in 12 chance of having twins again. Maybe once ive passed the baby stage with these guys the prospect of that won’t be so terrifying lol.

Thanks for all the advice re: mixed feeding and making up bottles quickly. I think I’m going to have to come up with a contingency plan to avoid yesterday’s hysterics again (well as much as is possible). But it’s reassuring to hear that those of you who have had to do the same have what sounds like wonderful, happy and well adjusted children. Going to have to learn to curb this mommy guilt too , though I doubt it ever really goes completely.

There was a thread a day or two ago on here about making bottles so you could check on there - that's where I saw it suggested. I'd probably do a couple of ounces of hot - so for a 6oz bottle, probably 2oz boiling, 4oz cold but that's my highly uneducated guesswork.

If you're not aware, there's a great breastfeeding twins group on Facebook (Breatfeeding twins and triplets uk). Lots of people on there that combi feed also so you might get some good tips and support.
My twins are now nearly four and I also have an almost six year old so I know how hard the early days are. Sometimes you have to let one cry as you can't do everything at once. It's really hard at the beginning but it definitely gets easier when they're a bit bigger as they can cope a bit longer without feeding.

I agree with @Potterythrowdown try and get hold of a perfect prep. I mix feed and it's a god send. FB marketplace always has them around here.

If the baby is inconsolable and you are at the end of your tether the advice is to put baby in their bed and walk away to calm down. You're not a bad mum, you did the correct thing.

The perfect prep machine does that 'hot shot' for you and then added the cool water to make the bottle the correct temperature.

It's been 3 years since I was making bottles up so I'm out of the loop, but as far as I can see on the NHS website they still recommend making a bottle as and when you need it rather than storing them made up in the fridge.

Hi I'm a twin mum and your post really resonates. Fwiw we bought a perfect prep machine and didn't regret it. Don't feel guilty. My mantra ( courtesy of my mum) became " I can only do what I can do" and accept that and try not to feel like a failure. You're doing amazing, though I know it doesn't feel like it xx

PS, it's also just not just about babies crying. They will be negatively impacted if that is what often happens with very little nurturing, stimulation in between. Of course babies are going to cry at 3 months. They can't talk, or point, or walk, so it's their only way of communicating with you. What matters is how you respond for the majority of time. The very fact that you are on here, expressing such concern speaks volumes.