Partner puts me down...implies I'm a bad parent

[Mother37]

My partner is the type who rolls his eyes when you try telling him something because he doesn't care. He is not the type to pretend he is interested and actually really listen to you, because he's your partner and that's what partner's do.
I'm a SAHM because I took redundancy just before my first was born, then my second was born a year later. I returned to work part time and after 6 months our childcare arrangement fell through (his parents) so I had to stay home full time.
I only get breakfast after 3pm cause I'm busy doing chores and getting kids lunches and his lunch before I look after myself. I do all the housework, every day. I put on washes, and with kids that's 3 or so washes a week. I change all beds every week. I take kids out to play. All these things take up time daily. I cook dinners 6 out of 7 days a week. I don't get any lie ins.
My partner works, and is working from home since pandemic so he sits at the computer for 8 hours a day, mon-fri, processing. Then goes for a lie down afterwards every day for about an hour. And constantly goes on about how tired he is cause he's working. When he finishes dinner he doesn't even put his dishes in the kitchen, let alone the sink. I cook and clean up and whenever he does cook, he leaves all the cleaning up to me..and he never cleans as he goes.
Kids were in school today and I found myself with an hour in the morning where I didn't necessarily have to do anything so I sat down not even for that full hour. But in conversation with him tonight where we were talking about dropping kids to school (takes 10 minutes in car to drop and get home and I don't drive so he does, but takes 45 mins to walk it up and back) and he said we need to find kids a new mother. I said it's not like I sit there twiddling my thumbs all day and he states 'you were today'. I felt so down. Feeling like the one day in the last who knows how long, that I had an hour or less to do nothing and sit down and just relax...I was critised for it. Made to feel like I was a bad mother. That I shouldn't be sitting down doing nothing, even when kids are at school.
He does nothing. He works and that's it. At weekends when he is off he would rather sit indoors and play vidos than take his children outside or go somewhere with them cause it's 'his day off'. He never even took over and allowed me to rest when we brought our first home from hospital 4 days after giving birth, or when our second was born and we went home same day, he made us visit his parents when he knew I was desperately tired and needed rest.
In that sense he's very selfish and puts himself first.
I've been suffering from bad anxiety lately but find i have to keep it secret because he doesn't believe in mental health...thinks it's all made up.

Your life would be infinitely better without this twat.

He’s an arse. Speak up for yourself and/or get rid of him.
Start by not making him lunch and wiping his arse.

He is a selfish prick.

I end up having to stay up until all hours just so I can get the little break I need...the little bit of me time. Even though I have to get up early next day to get kids to school

I'd reply Good luck on finding a new mother, you useless prick. Because she'd have to take you on with them. What they really need is a new daddy...you know, one who cares for them, looks after them and pulls his weight around the house!

If he mentions that he brings in the wages I'd be telling him if I'd intended to marry for money I'd have found someone who was capable of earning a lot more than he does. Do you have staff, exotic holidays and a generous allowance? No? Then he should step up a bit.

That's tough. Firstly, I'd stop doing the housework for a week. If he thinks you are 'twiddling your thumbs', then show him what's twiddling thumbs really looks like. Just do the bare minimum to get by and cook for just the kids. Then, I'd sit down with him for a chat over a glass of wine/cuppa to divvy up the housework and set up some rules. If he doesn't want even to have that conversation, then you have your answer I am afriad.

In all honesty, I would start looking at divorce. That's no way to live. You will feel better after getting rid of this deadweight. I suspect even going back to work with two kids would be less stressful than what you have now.

I would put an immediate end to all the work you do for him around the house.

No dinner, no laundry, no shopping for items he likes or needs. No cleaning up his office area. No little favours like dropping something off at the post office, etc. Tidy up your half of the bedroom only. Keep clean towels somewhere he won't find them and leave a manky one in the bathroom for him. And no more sex.

Clearly his parents are as bad as he is, if they didn't pack you straight home when he insisted on visiting them on the way home from the hospital. Did they deliberately sabotage your return to work, I wonder?

Your H isn't going to like being an EOW parent.

I would suggest couples therapy, but it looks as if this man has a really cruel streak, and I doubt you would get anywhere in a talking therapeutic environment. This is longstanding, habitual behaviour, with a fully developed sense of contempt for women behind it

I would see a solicitor and talk about divorce if I were you.

Try to get back to work - look into chimdminders.

We need to find kids a new mother

He's the one who needs a new mother.

Do not play mother for him any more.

I wouldn't confront him at all.

Listen to what you wrote. He is abusive and controlling. How on earth he has broken you down to this point I can only imagine :(

You need to be taking quiet steps to leave. Your children can't grow up in this dynamic. From what you've shared things are fine in terms of him not being aggressive to you, but he's clearly got you trained to think that you should be doing all this without question. So what would happen if you did question it? Kick up a fuss, argue, shout, or refuse to do something?

He said an incredibly hurtful and manipulative comment because he saw you sitting down for a short while. What do you think he would do if you laid down similar demands that he helped with the children?

You know the answer I think. Please leave while the DC are small

Give him a taste of his own medicine and see how it feels.

What an awful man. I can sympathize with you, I have one 7 month old daughter. Granted my ex worked but I did ALL the work, cleaning, looking after the baby, even in the end paying all the bills he neglected! And he said that I do nothing all day! The problem is with these men is that they think our jobs are easy, but if they had to do what we do for even a day, they would completely break down.

What a horrid thing he said. Please don't take it to heart, you sound like an amazing, caring mother doing so much hard work, really determined. Imagine how he would feel if you said 'your work should get a new employee, you just sat after working having a nap'!

In my situation, I left him. Some men are completely selfish. I know that's a incredibly hard choice though, especially in your situation with two. But if you're doing all the work anyway, what would change if he left? That's how I saw it, and since my ex did, it's still the same, except no brewing resentment for a lazy partner. If you can't leave him, please at least have a stern talk with him about him attitude, don't be afraid to make him pick up the slack, although I have a feeling he won't respond to that well. I hate fathers like this

He needs to go. He is the cause of your anxiety. You will then have two children to look after instead of three.

Although, I have to ask this - if the children are at school now why does it take all day to do the chores, and why can't you find a spare 20 minutes to eat breakfast? You should be able to find time for yourself now.

What a hurtful thing to say. He sounds horrid. Does he have any redeeming qualities? Could you make it work on your own without him?

(Missing the point of thread completely)
Why are you prioritising changing beds before breakfast? 3pm breakfast is ridiculous, surely you're not running about from early morning to mid afternoon without having 10mins to eat? Why don't you prepare food for yourself at the same time as you prepare kids' lunches and eat something? I know housework keeps you busy but I struggle to believe you can't prioritise tasks to fit in 15 mins for meals.

He sounds manipulative to me. He doesn't assist with any anything and anything you do is just not good enough. This is to keep you unbalanced and defensive. I wouldn't bother arguing with him because he will just undermine you further but I would point out your own positives if only for you to hear them. At the same time I wouldn't be looking after him.
I would start making quiet plans

Why are you staying with him? Are you scared of him? Do you feel trapped financially? Are you isolated? Something else..?

I mean, the only advice here is to leave. You don't need to go through the rigmarole of trying to work on the relationship or do better so that he will be happy with you or getting him to understand how you feel.

The top and bottom of this is that he doesn't care about your feelings, so whatever you say, he will dismiss. That's terrible for your mental health, and terrible for your children to witness. You are showing them what an adult relationship is like; they will aim to replicate your relationship when they are adults; they will end up as miserable as you, unless you choose something else to show to them.

There's lots of help and support on MN, you've done the right thing by posting. Women's Aid can help you. You can get out of this situation.

The first thing to recognise is that when he dismisses your feelings, it feels horrible for you, because, deep down, you know that your feelings are important. This is key to emotionally separating from him. Your feelings are the most important thing, here, because when you start to prioritise them, your life will start to change shape. You are currently dismissing your feelings, just like he does. You are abusing yourself in the way that he abuses you, by making your feelings into nothing.

Start to name your feelings. Just so that you recognise them. So, when he leaves his plates and expects you to clear them away, think of words for how you feel. 'disrespected', 'taken for granted', 'irritated', 'homicidal', whatever. It doesn't matter what you feel, that's the bit that comes naturally, and everything is allowed. But, name them and be aware of them, rather than surpressing them.

Do you have any anger? That can come in useful.

@Eckhart well said