Large age gap

[Roxie1]

Hi everyone
I thought this maybe the best place to get some help and support.
I’m a mum of two young ladies, eldest is 20 yrs and my youngest has just turned 19 this week. (This makes me feel old)
I’m turning 40 in August but feel that I have hit a bit of a crossroads in my life. I have been having some tests done recently due to a cyst on my ovary, thankfully this has gone down on its own, I have suffered with endometriosis for many years but was still able to conceive. My consultant has now decided that he would like to try me on a treatment which will put me on the menopause. This has left me laying awake at night, my mind is racing and to top it off, I’m extremely broody.
This is my dilemma, is the age gap just too big with my girls? Will they hate me if I have another baby? I really don’t think they will be pleased. Am I just having a mid life crisis? 😩 am I being selfish to my girls?
My husband would be over the moon, he has wanted another baby for a long time now. I can’t get it out of my head and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to start any treatment until I am absolutely sure I don’t want any more children. Please help!

My DH has two younger siblings who are 16 and 20 years younger than him. He also has a sister only one year younger than him.

I can't speak for your girls but DH, while he has nothing against his youngest siblings he doesn't really think about them at all. He has told me that he doesn't really count them as his brother and sister as he didn't grow up with them so he feels no connection to them and sees them more like you might a niece or nephew that you aren't close to.

SIL on the other hand actively resents that they were born and felt very pushed out by the new second family dynamic.

Did you want a baby before you were told about this treatment? Or is this desire for another just a reaction to the idea that you definitely can't have another?

The fact that you husband has been vocal about wanting a baby for a long time makes me think you’ve had the option for years and decided not to; which then would lead me to believe this is hormonal and you are having a crisis at the finality of it all. If you had really wanted another baby surely you would have tried before now?

It’s a tricky one.... my son is 17 and I definitely want more children. I’m 40 and this would be with a new partner, so a new family life.
My sons cool with it (when it happens!) but not overly thrilled tbh.
However it really has to come down to you and DH as your daughters will both be seeking their own life’s more and more. You can’t not have a child for their sake, that’s just not fair on you and dh!
Also I am thinking..... wow so I’ve safely got one to nearly 18 years old, do I really want to go back in time and do another 18 years

@BirthChoice

The fact that you husband has been vocal about wanting a baby for a long time makes me think you’ve had the option for years and decided not to; which then would lead me to believe this is hormonal and you are having a crisis at the finality of it all. If you had really wanted another baby surely you would have tried before now?

I think deep down I always wanted another baby, my youngest daughter went through a horrible time during her school years and this seemed to take over, she was diagnosed with Aspergers late in her teens, this took over our lives for a very long time, she is now settled and is doing very well. My work also changed direction and that distracted me for a long time. Before I knew it the years had flown by.

Personally, I'd feel very uncomfortable if my mum had a baby when I was 20. I had a friend whose mum gave birth to her when she was 42. Kids always asked if it was her grandma picking her up from school. Felt really sorry for her because it must have been embarrassing.

Your daughters might have their own families soon and you'll have a grandchild to look after and cherish without the hassle of dirty nappies, colic and teething.

At 30 having a baby is so challenging, at 40 and with two grown up children I'd start living! You're at that stage in your life where you can pursue a hobby, change careers (because you don't have to worry about childcare) and travel (soon hopefully).

I did this same thing OP. I had older teenagers, then had another baby when I was much 'older'.
They absolutely loved their younger sibling - and were on hand for any help & support. Now he's older (6), they all have such a great bond. One daughter is at Uni (20) and regularly came to pick him up and take him to her house for the day (pre Covid!)