How truthful should I be

[canary19]

My ex and I share 50/50 residence with our daughter. It was a very unhealthy relationship. My question is how truthful should you be about your ex to your child once separated. She is only 10 but starting to ask many questions about her father and why I left etc. He was violent, verbally and financially abusive. Initially I thought I should say nothing or try and distract her and change the subject if she asks as I don't want to put her father down or potentially damage their relationship. However, if she asks me directly eg. has daddy ever hit you should I tell her otherwise won't I be eroding any trust between us? Also when he gaslights or tries to manipulate her - which he has started to do, am I not invalidating her feelings reactions by not letting her know this is something he does? Thanks for your responses xx

I would give her a watered down version for now.

I would say, “your dad and I had one fantastic success - and that’s you, DD. I thought carefully before I left your dad, but it was the right decision for everyone. We argued a lot, and he was often very angry with me. I tried lots of things to make up with him, but it never got better. I didn’t like how sad and scared I felt, and I worried a lot about our family. I wanted to create a happy home for you, and so that is why I left.”

If she asks how he made you scared, say he was a bully when he didn’t get his own way, and it was not nice living with a bully. Don’t mention violence, she is too young. But quickly turn it round and say, “well that’s my history. More important now, is how YOU feel about your dad. Do you ever find he says anything that makes you feel sad or angry? And what does he do that makes you feel really happy? We can talk about this whenever you like, I am always here to listen.”

Thank you - this is brilliant advice - this is what I needed xxxx

I think that’s brilliant advice @CustardyCreams!