Hi all! New here so sorry if this is in the wrong place!
I’m really struggling with my four year olds behaviour. I have a four month old who is a dream. She sleeps, she feeds, she only gets upset when hungry or wet etc. I feel I’ve really bonded with her and she is doing so well. I feel enormously guilty about my four year old. I love her but I didn’t develop the same attachment I have with my second daughter. Back in 2016 I was going through an extremely stressful period at work and told I would be put on capability proceedings after my maternity leave. I didn’t get on with my boss at all so worried about what would happen if I applied for another job and needed him to write me a reference. I still feel like a massive failure because of this ( even though I am very highly thought of in my new position) I took a huge pay cut for a much less stressful job with no work to do of an evening therefore more time to spend with DD. DD did not have an easy time coming into the world. As soon as she was born she was whisked off me and handed to the paediatricians. I was extremely poorly after giving birth. I cried when I brought her home and thought I was un worthy of being a mother and just kept looking at her feeling really sorry for the poor child. Anyway as I said before I quit my extremely stressful job. Took a new position. Did extremely well and still loving it. I’m currently on mat leave for the second time. Over lockdown and throughout my pregnancy my older daughter’s behaviour has become unmanageable for me. I can’t take her out with the pram with baby as she just runs off. I try and spend time with her but this usually results in a big row as I try and negotiate and keep her within the boundaries but everything’s just ‘no’ with her or ‘I want!’ ‘Give it to me!’ attitude. It doesn’t help because her dad and grandparents really don’t agree with me disciplining her as they feel that she is just perfect and can do no wrong. I’ve tried speaking to them about this but that has back fired and I can’t be bothered with the hassle and upset it causes. I’ve come to the conclusion that it must be me having a negative affect on her so I should leave. It would break me but I feel like I don’t want to have bad affect on my daughters’ lives. The baby has formed an attachment to me but I feel like if I leave now she won’t remember me and I honestly feel my older daughter wouldn’t be that bothered. I love all three of them so much but feel my husband and eldest daughter just don’t feel the same way and I don’t want their lives to be miserable by me staying. I just feel at the moment that staying would be selfish as there would only be me hurt if I left. They’d have an amazing life without me. When I say leave btw I don’t mean ending my life I mean starting again in a new area. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way and what you did next.