Multiple languages

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Hi all, I'm looking for advice from people who speak multiple languages to their kids.

English is not mine or my husbands first language, but we speak english at home. Now, we would like our child (3 months old at the moment) to be able to speak our native language (with grandparents and friends). Before he was born we decided that I would speak our native language at home with the baby, but my husband would speak english with him. Also when we are all together we would speak english.

When he was born I tried speaking to him in my native language, but I just don''t enjoy it, I just don't like it. I know I will have to at some point so I am looking for advice.

How often did you speak to your child in a different language, was it all the time, just at home,specific hours a day? Any advice would be appreciated.

Can you just both speakn your native language at home to make it seem less weird? If it's that difficult for you, you don't have to do it at all, although i get the reasons for doing so (we have similar situation)

And sorry to answer your actually question my wife usually speaks randomly in one or other language or even both since our son was about a year old. There's no hurry at 3 months old.

If you are based in the UK, I would switch to the native language at home all the time. A few hours a day won't be enough for your dc to feel really confident in the language, I'm afraid.

Similar set up here. I speak my native tongue full time with my 4 months old, this includes books. I occasionally read him a book in English. My DH speaks to him in his native tongue too, but he feels weird about it for some reason and switches to English (he is getting better at it though). We speak English to each other.

Thanks all for the replies, seems like I might just need to get over it and speak to him in my native language.

@johnd2 How old is your child now and does he understand both languages then?

I think it would be easier for your DC to pick it up if he hears you and DH both speaking in the language to each other, instead of you just trying to talk to DC.

My parents both speak another language but speak to each other in English. My mum did try to speak to me in the other language when I was small but it wasn’t enough for me to pick it up and I can’t speak the language.

In my case there’s not much that could be done because my mum is a native speaker but my dad doesn’t speak it well enough for them to use it as their main language.

@JemimaTiggywinkle We just don't like speaking our native language, especially my husband so that's not an option. Also it's more important for us that our son can speak good english as we are not planning on moving back.
We just want him to be able to coverse with his grandparents mainly. He will also speak to them via skype when he is older.

I come from a mixed family as well and my dad spoke to me in his language full time so I know both.

I know what you mean, it is tricky to switch between languages,

My cousins always spoke the other language at home with their parents. They also speak native English but won’t speak English around their parents because it feels weird to them. (parents also speak perfect English). Both speak English to me but can’t to each other!

It would be helpful to know the languages.

I speak in my native language (which my OH does not speak) to my 5 months old DD since birth. It was difficult to begin with but conversely I now struggle to speak to her in English. I am really glad I persevere with it as it's well documented that at this young age their ability to learn a second (or even third) language is much bigger.

My OH speaks to her in English.

Even if it's not comfortable, just try to talk about what you're doing in your native language, read books in your native language, sing songs, etc.

You may find this interesting to read: theconversation.com/why-the-baby-brain-can-learn-two-languages-at-the-same-time-57470

DH is French and I’m South African English speaker. We’re trying OPOL - so DH speaks to the children in his native language (French) and I speak to them in English. It worked really well for DS - he moves quite easily between the two languages and is confident in speaking both. DD, not so much. She understands French but she’ll respond in English or English words with a French accent. I think the difference was partially down to temperament but also circumstances. DH’a family only speak to each other in French, and when we left DS alone with them, he’d speak (and hear) French all the time. With DD, her big brother translates for her. He also ended up in a class in nursery with lots of francophone kids and would speak French with them, whereas all of DD’s friends are English speakers.

From our experience, having the parent communicate in their language had helped a lot, but I think you need more, like a childcare / educational setting where they can speak the language with other children, lots of time with family where they only speak your language. Ideally we would have a nanny who spoke to ours in French as well but they’re hard to come by and we don’t have any family nearby. We do try insisting on having them watch some tv shows in French which helps a tiny bit but it’s not as good

Think you need to speak much more in your native language. We speak nl at home but our dc goes to nursery since 1yo. Would say even thick we speak in our nl 75% of the time at home now dc is 3yo English is the main language. But can understand our nl.

Firstly, what is important is that your child hears a language being spoken fluently and expressively, using a wide vocabulary and complex grammar. It doesn’t matter what the language is, but those are the language skills that you want a child to develop.

If you are the only person speaking your home language around your child then he will miss out on hearing that language spoken fluently by adults having a natural discourse with each other. If you want him to be able to speak to his grandparents then both you and your husband need to put in the groundwork at home by using the language exclusively at home.

You are living in the UK, he will be hearing English all around him, tv, radio, songs,shops, parks, nursery when he goes, all his learning in school will be in English . He will grow up having perfect English, probably better than you and your husband speak to be honest because he will have absorbed it, not learned it.

If you want him to speak both languages well,and be truly bilingual and fluent, then eventually you will have to teach him your home language formally, especially when it comes to reading and writing it, but at the moment you should focus on giving him a start in your home language by both of you speaking it to him and importantly around him.

I have worked with many bilingual families and so many of them regret not making more of their first language when their child was very small. If you make it an essential part of your family life then it will become natural to use it within the home. As your child gets older there will be lots of pulls away from your home language through school and friendships but you will need to stick to your convictions! The last thing you want is an adult who can only speak their parents first language using a child’s vocabulary and grammar. They will then stop using the language altogether from sheer embarrassment.

Interesting thread. My nl is different from DH's nl (and neither of us speak each other's nl) , so it's next to impossible for my little one to hear either of our native languages in natural adult conversation regularly.
The advice I was given to me by another family who successfully taught their children 3 languages in the same way is that I speak my nl, and my nl only, to the baby, and my DH should do the same with his nl. As @viques has said, the baby will learn English from his environment (nursery, TV, etc).

I just need my DH to be stricter with speaking just his nl to our little one without switching to English.
Let's see what happens.

A good friend of mine is Japanese with an English husband (living in the UK). They follow the OPOL approach and at 21 months the little boy has amazing language skills, far better than my monolingual daughter of the same age. Japanese is his main language but he happily switches to English when he needs to make himself understood.

The key thing is that he has been fully immersed in Japanese from day one and my friend is strict about only using that language with him. I don't think just speaking little bits would have worked at all.

It is such a gift to be able to give any child. If I were you, I'd committ to at least one of you speaking in your native language with your child.

Thank you all for your input, there's a lot to think about 🙂

The most important factor is quality and quantity of input. Other factors are in play, but broadly speaking the more of a language your child is exposed to, the more likely they are to speak it.

I don't speak their Dads language although he knew smatterings of mine. I spoke to them in my language, he spoke to them in his. No structure to it. They are tri-lingual and lots of their friends are at least bi-lingual. UK, so English is still spoken the most but not necessarily at home

Our child is only 17 months so he can't really speak but he definitely understands equally well in both languages. Once this pandemic is over we hope his grandparents can come to bump up his language skills.

If you only speak to your child in the other language for a few hours a day and otherwise you talk to him in English, he will not learn the other language. He'll learn some words and hold a basic conversation, but he will never be similarly fluent to English, even before schooltime intervenes to shift the balance to English even further. I had a friend years ago whose mother was from our shared country and her father was British. She spoke to her daughter in our language only sometimes, by the time I met them the daughter was about 10 and replied in English (also something you shouldn't allow) and was very limited in her language abilities in that language. Same language set up in another family, but the mother spoke to the child only in the language - child's level of the other language is fluent, if not as good as English (which is inevitably, because a lot of language development happens at school).

You shouldn't worry about his English. Even if neither of you ever spoke in English to him, he would still end up fluent in English through growing up in an English speaking country surrounded by English speakers and at an English speaking school. If you are both second language English speakers, it's possible you'll even teach him some mispronounciations/oddly accented words he'll have to unlearn.

It sounds like you and especially your husband have some hangups about your first language. You may not intend to ever move back to your original country, but you are depriving your child of ever having that opportunity (because he won't speak the language well enough to be able to) and severely limiting his formation of a close relationship with his grandparents (by setting him up to have only a limited command of the language - this will show in later years, though in the early years kids' language skills are restricted enough it'll make no difference.) Having the opportunity to start your kid off in life bilingual, which is a good not only of itself by giving the child more opportunity (even if your language is a small one, he'll still have access to at least the culture and some potential business opportunities) but another language is good for your child's intellectual development anyway (as in, studies indicate other benefits to a child from being bilingual).

Optimal scenario is that you speak your native language exclusively until your child is about 3 years old, and then continue to read and write in your native language with them for as long as possible. The child will pick up English with no issues as it's going to be their dominant language for years to come! It is hard work though, and I understand that it may not be the easiest route for you as a mum, so you need to prioritise this opportunity for your child to be fluent in another language against everything else that's important for you right now (like your sanity! lol)

I have 2 bilingual teenagers who are now 14 and 17. First child was initially better at our native language because we spent more time with him speaking that language exclusively. Second wasn't keen and would always respond in English until at 12 she developed her own interest in understanding her heritage and studied grammar and pronunciation by taking language courses so she is now more fluent than my son. Looking back I wish we spoke our native language more but I have no regrets because we had other pressures (financial, health etc) so it couldn't be our priority all the time.

I used to speak mostly in my language from about 2 months to Ds and dh in English. It took me a while to get used to it and to become fluent again. It definitely felt odd in the beginning but I quickly got used to it. These days I often switch over to English for more complicated conversations.

I think it's definitely worth it op. It feels uncomfortable at first but if you are or were once fairly fluent in that language you'll quickly get into it

Ideally if both parents speak the second language it's even better. Once they join nursery they'll become fluent in English Anyway