Unusual situation, help navigating please?

[LittleBlonde27]

So without going into too much unnecessary detail, back at the end of Summer 2020 my stepsister (17) moved in with my partner (35) and I (30).

Prior to this, she would visit occasionally and stay overnight as she didn't get on well with my mum so would use our house as a bit of an escape.

We've only been in each other's lives for around 5 years and up until 2019, we'd only actually met a handful of times.

Anyway, she moved in in July because things had got to breaking point between her and my mum and we felt we could provide her stability that she was crying out for.

I'm now in a situation where I'm struggling a bit with boundaries/rules etc. Obviously there is a significant age gap of 13 years and I'm now her main guardian - I'm stuck between being a sister/friend/parent. For info, I am child free by choice and have never had any desire to "parent" but feel I now have to.

The biggest issue I'm having is the state of her bedroom. I know that might sound petty but I like my house clean and tidy and, at 17, I think she's old enough to respect that.

I asked her to clean her room today and she told me she had - she just had to hoover and make her bed. She's just starting a little part time job today so when she left for work I thought I'd go and hoover her room for her so she didn't have to. Her room has absolutely not been cleaned. Clothes all over the floor, dirty plates/cups, eyeliner sharpenings all over her dressing table, filthy toilet, overflowing bin, fake tan and foundation all over her drawers, dirty bedding, overflowing washing basket etc.

We've discussed her room being untidy before and it got better for a week or so but clearly it hasn't sunk in that it has to be kept clean and tidy. Or at least clean!

She hates confrontation and, like I said before, I don't know how to navigate these situations. She's not a little kid that can have privileges removed etc so I'm just really struggling with how to tackle this with her and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

God, I had this with my son when he was that age. It was a constant battle and I think it’s a teenage thing. It’s just not important enough for them and it drove me potty. It was the only thing we fell out over.

We’d agree to have a purge every now and again to get things clean and tidy. Unless there is damage, let them live in their own filth.

He’s 26 now and in his own house and when we visit he hovers over me ready to whisk away my tea cup just before I’ve finished my tea.

I think you have to tell her that if she can't follow the rules of your house then she'll have to go back to her mum's. Make sure your husband is with you so that it's two adults on the same side.

Would it jo for her to have a checklist of things she needs to do for it to be considered clean and tidy?

Ie - dressing table/drawers clean - no make up for fake tan marks, floor clear, clothes away

Re cups and dishes, I'm still guilty of forgetting to take mine to the kitchen so I've made it part of my routine when I clear up after dinner to go upstairs and do a sweep of my bedroom and any other rooms.

I think with a teenager its about compromise and I'm sure I've read their brain development means they just don't see mess in the same way.

Maybe you could say by 4pm every Sunday it needs to be in X state for a proper clean (hoover, dust, wash surfaces) and bedding is laundered at X time per week so that she has an accepted timetable to work towards with the agreement you don't get worked up about in between.

You could also say have hard rules and soft rules, so you agree to let it go that she has clothes over floor but rubbish needs to be cleared and brought down (again timetable this into routine)

Thanks for the replies so far!

I'm afraid I'm not willing to let it go and allow her to live in her own filth. While I want her to feel at home and welcome, this is my home and I won't compromise on any room being dirty.

I did previously give her a list of "chores" which quickly went in the bin. I also asked her when she moved in to strip her bed every Sunday which lasted maybe 3 weeks. At 17, I don't think I should have to chase her every week to sleep in a clean bed.

Maybe I was different when I was 17 but I took pride in my room and wanted it to look nice, I didn't want to lie in bed surrounded by filth.

I'm bad for leaving glasses of water on my bedside table too, it's the fact that the dirty crockery was shoved into a drawer that bothers me so much.

I've had to clean the room top to bottom today (for my own sanity!!) and will have to broach the subject with her when I pick her up from the train station because obviously when she gets home she'll see a spotless room. I'm just not sure how to bring it up.