Please give me pros to a 3+ year age gap

[JenIsAGem]

Me and DH have 10 month old DS and although it's hard most of the time, we both agree we would love to have a smaller age gap under 2 years. However, things just aren't the right time now, our living situation isn't right, there isn't the space - we're currently sharing a room with DS as we don't have a choice.

Having a 2 year age gap would mean falling pregnant in July, with it being March already it doesn't seem likely at all.
We are probably still going to be in the same living situation when DS turns 2.

So, although we REALLY wanted that smaller gap, I'm now trying to convince myself that 3+ years will be more beneficial. Please help me out and tell me all the great factors to a larger age gap? Thanks!!

We have a 3 year age gap and for us it’s been perfect and watching other people with smaller age gaps it’s been easier for us. The positives being that DD was a lot more independent when DS was born - slept well, toilet trained, could dress herself, understood what was happening, had dropped naps so I’m not trying to balance two different nap routines, didn’t need carrying around and I didn’t need a double buggy, also going to nursery so I had time with DS.

I can also see that it’s going to be easier to go back to work with her being a bit older.

I've got 3 years between mine and so far it's great. Eldest has been potty trained for ages, gets in and out of car seat himself (apart from the harness obviously), plays independently, helps out with the baby, walks all the time and sleeps in a bed so we could reuse the cot and pram for baby straightaway, we get free hours at nursery so that helps financially.

No idea if they'll like each other growing up but I think that's more personality driven rather than age gap.

I have a 3 yr old and a 4 month old- love it. My eldest starts school in September as summer born so my mat leave covers her last yr at home and the start of school to settle her. She’s independent in terms of toilet trained, getting dressed, can get herself a drink, can communicate and understands sometimes she has to wait. She’s also not too old so is happy to play baby songs and watch baby tv when I’m doing chores etc.
Her nursery hours give me time to bond with the baby.
Thumbs up from me!

For us a three year gap has meant that I had some time at home with both children one on one. The older one before dd was born and then when ds went to school. I was working part time evenings and weekends- if you are full time then you would benefit from this less.

Now they are older, it means that we are only paying for one dc at university with no overlap, which is appreciated.

Lots of people like a 2 year gap, but I don't think it's the be all and end all. Plenty of people have all sorts of gaps for all sorts of reasons and it works fine.

My dm was obsessed with a 2 year gap and me and my 2 brothers are evenly spaced,as were the 3 cats that followed

I have a four and a half year gap. Pros are the older sibling is able to understand what is happening and that the baby is there to stay. It was also a lovely to watch the older one chatting to and helping the little one in a way they couldn't with a smaller gap. It also meant I had time with the baby when the older child started school.

A bigger gap doesn't necessarily mean that they won't play together although it can mean some effort to find something that works for both ages. Mine are now 7 and 2 and so have quite a few games they play. Agreeing on what to watch on TV is another matter!

It is hard going back to nappies and sleepless nights but in my opinion no worse than doing them for two children at once. A bigger gap does mean a reasonable chance your older child will be sleeping reliably!

A 2 year gap seems to be the aspirational ideal because people say they want them to be close. I felt a lot of pressure to adhere to this as I’m someone who likes to conform. Even though I knew I couldn’t afford another baby, or was my house big enough. I also wanted to work a bit more on my career.

As it happens we had secondary infertility and ended up with 5 years. Turns out there are pros and cons to all age gaps. I am so happy it’s worked out this way now as DC1 is in school and self sufficient, it was lovely having mat leave with DC2 without having a toddler at my baby groups. Both kids got my undivided time. Now 8&3 they are best of friends, yes they have different interests and their relationship would be different if they were 8&6 but honestly I don’t think it’s the age gap that determines how close they are in later life, but their personalities.

You do what is right for you and don’t fall foul of the must have kids close together because that’s what’s best for them myth.

I have almost exactly 4 years between my two. A second any sooner wasn't an option for us due to finances really. I am very happy with it for all the reasons everyone has given - much more independent first child when baby arrives, understands a lot more etc. Also DS1 had a bit of a life outside of home by the time DS2 arrived, and this carried on regardless of a new baby - so going to pre-school and the childminder etc. DS1 started school a few months after DS2 was born and so I was on mat leave for that which was quite nice as I could be there for drop offs and pick ups for the first couple of terms.

My two get on pretty well, but my DS1 is very laid back and tolerates his slightly bonkers little brother pretty well. I guess different personalities might not.

I think it's great. There's 5 years between mine (planned that way intentionally as we wanted to hit some career milestones first and to have older dc leaving nursery before we'd have another starting). It can sometimes be trickier now as they are 8 & 3 and have different interests, so usually one has to be dragged along to do something the other really enjoys, but I'm not sure that is vastly different from just having two dc with different interests and personalities, even if close in age.

It meant that I got lots of one-on-one time with them as babies as older dc was in primary school when youngest was born, so it was like having a first baby again. I could go to baby groups, really focus on him all day, just like I did with her. It also meant by mat leave was timed for older one's first year of school, so I was home and really available during that transition and the first year of school holidays, etc. Older one has always been independent and able to help, or just to get herself her own drink or snack if I couldn't.

It also meant dh and I had time to ourselves in the years in between, weekends away, nights out, getting lots of sleep, we were able to tick off some big things in terms of career and are earning significantly more now, saved up lots for a house, etc. all of which wouldn't have been possible with 2 close together.

We really wanted a smallish gap and started trying for DC2 when DS was 1yo. Fate had other ideas so our eventual gap between DS and DD is 3y4mo. I love it!
DS was happily settled getting his 15 free hours at preschool when DD arrived which gave me some 1:1 time with her right from the start. Also DS was old enough to a) help out fetching things etc and b) understand why I couldn't immediately do things for him if I was feeding baby. I can also stick an audio book on and leave him with his lego for 20 mins while I get DD down for a nap.

4 1/2 years between my now adult daughters and they have a really lovely relationship.

Oh yes I forgot about the financial advantages of a bigger age gap in terms of childcare costs. That's a big plus.

A 3 year gap is still small. I think anything under 5 years is a small gap!
The pros are lots of time with your first and then again with your second as first is likely to be in nursery or school. I imagine it'll be less stressful too as first will be more independent.

Thank you so much everyone, some really great pros. I do love the thought of my mat leave potentially covering the transition for DS into nursery/school and getting 1:1 time with new baby.

Couple of stories about secondary infertility, this is something that crosses my mind almost daily! We were extremely lucky to conceive on our first cycle with DS so I have this fear that fate will be planning a longer journey, it's probably irrational
I know albeit very possible and real.

I have 6y 8m between my two. My eldest is independent and (in normal circumstances) at school during the week so I get time to spend just with DD2. DD1(7) absolutely adores her sister and is able to entertain DD2(5m) for a few minutes whilst I grab her milk or go to the toilet.

We started TTC DC2 in December 2019 but it took a year to conceive. We conceived the first month but it was a chemical. If that one had stuck, DD1 would have been 5, not 6 when DC2 was born.

We want a third but are also not in a position to have another one just yet. I’d like a smaller gap this time though.

We have an exact 3 yr age gap here and going well so far

DS1 is fairly independent - can feed himself, toilet himself, find something he’s looking for etc. Not having two in nappies.

DS1 is old enough to understand that sometimes he had to wait. He also loves to help fetch and carry baby things

Funding has kicked in at nursery so while there will be an 8 month overlap with them both in nursery before he starts school, it will be manageable financially. We’ve been able to afford to keep him in nursery while I’m on maternity leave

It’s small enough that I reckon they’ll still find common ground and play together when baby is older

There’s no way on Earth I’d have coped with a pregnancy with a 1 yr old then a baby and 2 yr old. No way at all. We, as a family, weren’t ready until DS1 was a bit older. Right decision for us.