4 year old temper

[Xansaf]

Hi all

Any tips for a 4 year old who seems to constantly lose her temper?

I know they can’t properly regulate her emotions at this age but she seems less able to do so than I see from most her age. Literally any minor inconvenience, such as me not hearing what she said first time, or a piece of duplo falling over and she flies off the handle. Either it’s screeching, or throwing the toy and usually followed by a sulk. I keep telling her to try and calm down but it’s constant!

She’s also quite selfish in some situations. She’s absolutely fine at school but a lot of the time when we go to parks she complains about others being there and says it’s HER park in a really nasty aggressive tone. This is fairly new as until recently she’d play nicely with new “friends” in parks!

She is an only child but since I no longer have a uterus, not voluntarily, I can’t do much about that.

So we’ve just had a temper because a piece of duplo didn’t fit where she wanted it. She screamed, threw the duplo person. Daddy offered to help do it together and got met with “I WONT” and sulky face and “NO!”

No advice. But my just 5 year old is exactly the same. Huge great strops and tears. She has been in school as a key worker child and they say she is mature!

Mine has an older sister and she had small phases of being the same, but never to the level.

Is this temper a new thing? Or has it always been there? When you say 4 has she started reception or is due to start in September. From experience a few meltdowns at 4 is not uncommon but we have to keep communicating it's wrong and follow through with consequences.

However, the reason I asks the questions above is because I know Covid has impacted loads of kids. It's not normal to stay home all day. Kids are meant to explore and if they can't this can lead to frustration/anger.

Hoping with the easing of lock down things get back to normal. Assuming this is applicable.

I have one of these. Two siblings not like this at all. I've realised she loses it when she feels insecure. So we ' hug it out' till she feels better and able to cope with whatever happened, usually something benign like a toy not balancing where she wants it to, or not being allowed to answer the doorbell. It might sound lame to some, but she snaps out of it quicker than if she's told off or left to deal with it. I figure she's just ultra sensitive and that's how she shows it.

@dchange she’s actually 4 next week. She’s in pre-prep at the school she will now attend until she’s 11. So she is still attending. I have considered covid but in the first lockdown she was ok and when the playgrounds opened she was finding playmates all the time.

@ladygindiva I’ll try that. I think i might get met with something resembling an angry octopus but it’s worth a go if only to see what happens!

I think you need to build some resilience into her mood regulation, by not tolerating violent behaviour. Nip it in the bud, and do some time outs. Don't give in and reward it by being super nice and understanding. It's not acceptable even at 4 and if it's allowed to continue will be much harder to manage.

I agree with morninglive. If she gets into a temper remove her to somewhere where she is safe and cannot hurt herself or leave the room. If she behaves at school then she knows this behaviour is wrong and she is being manipulative.

I wonder if she could do with some help learning how to solve problems? As someone else has said, it sounds like she's having trouble when things go a bit wrong.

My 4yo DS is the same. We also get told that he hates us and we've ruined his life. Also he does a lot of shouting that he doesn't care or he's not doing this or that. Yesterday he punched his older brother in the face. He's not like it at pre-school, they've not had any issues with him. I'm blaming his age and the fact that life has been so different for the last year. He wants to see his friends, go to the beach, go to his friends' houses, and he doesn't really understand why he can't.

@Eggsley

My 4yo DS is the same. We also get told that he hates us and we've ruined his life. Also he does a lot of shouting that he doesn't care or he's not doing this or that. Yesterday he punched his older brother in the face. He's not like it at pre-school, they've not had any issues with him. I'm blaming his age and the fact that life has been so different for the last year. He wants to see his friends, go to the beach, go to his friends' houses, and he doesn't really understand why he can't.

You're taking all responsibility for violent behaviour off your child? Seriously, you need to get to grips with this appalling behaviour and teach, in an age appropriate way, that this is not acceptable. You cannot excuse this behaviour with lockdown or anything else of the sort.

Eggsley hasn't said she's not teaching him.
There's always a cause for things and for a lot of children the cause will be the disruption at the minute. No one's saying the behaviour is right. What an unfair post

OP I get it. Mine is flying off the handle at the minute. I'm still trying to navigate it and find a way around it that works but it's not fun at all.
So far out of all the things I've tried the one that works must is when she remembers and counts to 10. But of course it's not perfect.
Mine is 7 though, bit older

I think understanding is exactly what she needs, and disagree that this rewards the behaviour. Children this age need help to express feelings in a healthy way, and in my view separation and time outs is more likely to teach children to suppress feelings that they cannot manage alone, and sends a message ‘I don’t like you when you are angry/frustrated/possessive’ etc. Now I am not judging because I often don’t like my small kids behaviours and feel angry with them! And am trying to work myself on how I express and regulate my emotions. But I feel strongly about it because I had a mum who didn’t help me to do that, only got approval for being a ‘good girl’ and I feel it has impacted my life a lot in a negative way.

She needs help to understand how she feels, and that is likely to help manage the associated behaviours. So in the park talking about ‘it’s hard to share all this stuff with other kids isn’t it’. Connecting with the emotion and when she’s more settled then reasoning about why it’s not hers. Sometimes the rudeness of them really stresses us out when we were given strong messages about it but really she’s just feeling things we all feel but learn to control the outward expression of them over time.

My five year old is the same and has been for around two years. Always been extremely feisty as a personality. I’ve attended an online parenting course to try and find ways to deal with it and now we do the following

Time out, super nanny method of one minute per year of age

Zero tolerance of throwing stuff. They have dented walls, broken the TV, given DP a black eye.

Keep completely calm. If I get angry, they get more angry so DP and I work together and tag team if necessary to keep calm

Keep a good nighttime routine. They often kick off the more tired they get. It’s really important that the bedtime routine stays the same and even if it’s late, the routine still needs to happen even if the bedtime book gets shortened.

Yes I think it is to do with the solving problems, she’s absolutely capable I think she’s quite lazy (read bone isle) and can’t be bothered thinking things through (that’s what I’ve seen when trying to do learning with her)

The tempers don’t last long and she’s never violent to people, it’s just going into strops at the drop of a hat and it’s exasperating.

Being a parent is so shitty. I've had enough and am spending the day in bed.

I wish I could do that too at the minute

My lo is 5 and has recently turned a corner where he's been amazing but I really found 4 the trickiest age so far! My lo didn't really have the terrible twos but he had the ferocious fours! He was very hot headed and we were constantly hearing how 'today is the worst day EVER!!!' From him! When he was at home and he was angry and finding it hard to calm down I'd take him to his room and just get him to lay on his bed and would just tell him to take some time to calm down. It wasn't a punishment as in he was 'sent' to his room, but somehow removing him from whatever had made him angry seemed to help. He'd cry and toss and turn about on his bed but slowly come out of it and then join us again downstairs in a better mood.

I did worry about how quick he seemed to anger but it really was just a phase and now he's a bit older he's easier to reason with and seems to be able to handle frustration and disappointment better. It does get better!

@morninglive no I'm not taking all responsibility away from him. There are consequences for his actions, and he knows that violent behaviour is not acceptable. His behaviour yesterday was dealt with appropriately. My point was that he is at a tricky age, as is OP's child, and the current situation has affected the way some children are able to express their emotions. But thanks for your post, it's good to know that you think I'm a shit parent.

@purpleme12 thanks for your post, it's nice to know there are some supportive posters who understand that we are all trying to navigate similar issues.

I can understand a 2 year old hitting out as they really can't understand how their actions can hurt someone, but a 4 year old punching a child in the face? 4 year olds know it hurts someone else. I'd be looking at what he is seeing online. Tantrums are normal at any age, but such aggression would really worry me.

Maybe I am lucky enough to have less volatile children, and I know it's mostly luck not poor parenting, so no criticism as such