Does it matter if she’s emotionally “immature”

[Nora1978]

Dd is nine and an only child. She’s very bright but we are noticing that she is very young emotionally. She’s had a stable, happy upbringing and no traumas to deal with. It’s hard to know how much of it is to do with the pandemic making her feel insecure but she is very difficult to settle at night and has lots of prolonged rituals we have to go through. She also has terrible separation anxiety if I need to go out and visit my parents in the evening - gets absolutely hysterical that I’m not going to return and clings to me sobbing when I get back. As well as this, she is very invested in her cuddly toys, gives them personalities, has to “feed” one of them each day and always has to have one with her if we go anywhere and I’ve noticed none of the other children her age seem to do this anymore.

She has no desire to do anything for herself, seems to like being babied and any attempt to get her to do things seems to end in arguments. I don’t want to change who she is at all, I love her quirkiness and big heart but I worry that she’s not more resilient and I know kids can be cruel if someone is a bit “babyish”. Do I just leave it and hope that she naturally grows out these behaviours or should I be doing more to encourage her to be more grown up. I know children have had a lot to deal with lately and maybe she’s regressing a little because of that. I don’t want to change her but don’t want to let her down either. If someone has some advice or similar experiences I’d be very grateful for some help. Thank you!

she is very difficult to settle at night and has lots of prolonged rituals we have to go through. She also has terrible separation anxiety if I need to go out and visit my parents in the evening - gets absolutely hysterical that I’m not going to return and clings to me sobbing when I get back.

I wouldn't class that as immature.
Those are behaviours much more associated with other conditions.
As is your descriptive word 'quirky'.

What kind of conditions do you mean?

She does sound young but it's been a tough year and being an only I'm guessing she's missed out on social interaction.

If it was me I would start to work on these areas, but I would hope that as things become normal she nay mature.

Is she going into year 5 or 6 in September. I would be more concerned if year 6 as she may find the transition of last year of primary to secondary school difficult.

Sit down with a cuppa while you read this because it's probably not something you've ever considered and for some people it's not something they even want to consider.

There are some markers that would suggest neurodiversity in your descriptions of your DD's behaviour.

For example www.staffordshire.gov.uk/Education/Access-to-learning/Graduated-response-toolkit/School-toolkit/Communication-and-interaction/Social-communication-autism/SEN-support-in-school/Autism-in-Girls-checklist.pdf

Also see checklists for ADD, ADHD, Dyspraxia as many neurodiverse conditions have several traits in common.

Many ND children are emotionally around two thirds of their chronological age, you can't make them mature any quicker than they can naturally do. You cannot make them resilient, they need to develop at their own pace.

The older they get, the more they are visibly different to their peers in some behaviours and the more difficult social interactions become for them as their interests and comfort levels are seen as 'babyish'

For starters, speak to the school SENCO and ask if school have any concerns. Some are brilliant and will have noted any issues and put interventions into place as a matter of course, some are frankly rubbish and most are somewhere between the two.
If school say she's "fine" at this stage, that's not automatically a reassurance.

Girls can present very differently to boys and most checklists are for the male presentation of conditions, so girls are often overlooked.
Also girls can 'mask' which means they can act as though they are managing well socially on the outside, but inside they aren't coping very well, their behaviour at school and at home tends to be very different. e.g. I'd lay odds your DD doesn't have the anxiety about you leaving her at school that she has about you leaving her at home.

Your next step will be to approach your GP with or without support from school, with an outline of all your DD's differences and ask for a referral for assessment. Only a team of trained professionals, usually Paed, ed Psych, OT and SaLT can diagnose. The process can take a long time depending on which area you live ( many were 18 months to 2 years pre-Covid) and how many kids are already on waiting-lists, so it's better to get into the system as soon as you can.

Thank you you’ve given us some things to think about. She kind of ticks some of the things on that list - maturity, intense interests, anxiety and sensory issues with clothes and being different at home to school but other things don’t quite tally - her communication and friendships are currently very good. Might contact my GP anyway and see what they say, thank you.

She was referred to camhs two years ago through the doctor (school hadn’t found anything different) due to problems with clothes and scratching the skin on her hand (which stopped). They had a short chat with her and discharged us.

What BlankTimes has expressed, so eloquently.