Why is it when u have children your friends are there & after a while there not???

[lozzawoo]

Do u mum's ever find your friends start to disappear when u have children. Your social life goes. I am a single parent. What do u think???

Are you talking about childless friends? People definitely tend to gravitate to other people at the same stage of life, and once we had kids we tended to spend more time with people who also had kids. But a couple of really good friends are still friends, and they realised that once you become a parent things are going to change. We had a friend who we often used to go to bars with to watch sports. Once we had our baby he would come to our house instead, that sort of thing.

I'm also a single parent now, and I have moved to a new city since I had my 2 kids, and so all the friends I have made have kids themselves.

Message withdrawn

With one of my childless friends it has got to the stage where this year she posted my Birthday present to me and texted me to say Happy Birthday - i think we just have nothing in common anymore - i think she thinks that all i have to talk about is my kids (they are a major part of my life so this is unavoidable) and i think she thinks i am uniterested about her "single" life as mine has now moved on from this. The truth is i AM interested and wish she would make a bit more of an effort (she is DS2's godmother after all!)

oh lordy yes. I can understand it - friendships need time and attention and all mine is taken up with ds,dh and work. I'm prob not much cop as a friend these days.

That said my friends who live at the other end of the country are always in touch and we prob see them more than my "best" friend who lives 5 miles away.

A few never bothered to visit my child at all but still want to go out which I think is very odd. But most of them have been great (One of them is my only babysitter). I probably see them more than my friends with children because they are more available. They all have friends with children anyway so know about restrictions on your social life etc. Oddly its a few of the friends with children I get on less well with because either they are competative about their childrens development or very obsessed with their own theories on parenting and therefore judgmental of the way you are doing it. Other friends with children have been great especially in the first few weeks when I hadn't got a clue what I was doing.

Also I know there are hundreds of web talkboards full of single childless people. A newspaper site I used to read was full of bored office workers chatting to each other at work and home.

I agree a lot of childless people don't understand the complexity of having children.

Here's a little anekdote: a friend of mine who I admittedly have canceld on a few times due to tiredness, feeling low, sick child and other usual culprits, never got upset when I cancelled but didn't really understand either. Until now... she's expecting dd in december!

as for message boards... there are heaps out there for all eventualities, but mumsnet is the best!

Yes I agree, my 3 closest friends have drifted off with phone calls and visits becoming less frequent. I still see one of them now and then and she does buy the kids birthday and xmas pressies (though I have told her it is not expected). One of my friends (who was a witness at my wedding) just never invited me out again after I fell pregnant, all meet ups were at my suggestion. We have now lost contact completely, no cards on the kids birthdays this year and I am determined to make new friends and not let it bother me anymore because it has I can assure you.

I felt this at the beginning and did lose contact with certain single friends but now after no 2 I'm trying to make more of an effort to talk/text/meet with them as tbh I really value the time when I can be just me and not mummy/maid/cleaner/whatever else I usually am.

ah yes the 'trying to make an efford'. TBH I got fed up with some of my single friends, because I was alsways the one to contact them trying to organise something. I am lucky in a way that my best friend is still my best friend and we email at least 3x a week time and kids allowing. Was the same before kids. Then again all my very good friends are abroad! And that's a real bummer! Saying that made a new friend, actually at work. No kids, and new boyfriend. Nevertheless did she make the time to be my birthpartner for the c-section as hubby can't stand the sight of blood! Now how's that for a good friend!

gutting isnt it when friends just fade away... i genuinely thought they would come round occasionally for supper, or offer to babysit (especially after i left my baby's dad)... but i expect some will find their way back and others.... maybe they were never such greay friend in the first place, or maybe the reason they arent around is becasue the changes in our lives stir up emotions about their own they would rather not come to terms with... i got friends still living with ther parents fgs

to be fair all my friends have just graduated and started working so things have changed a lot for them too. but it does upset me a bit that they dont make an effort to see me, i phone them and sometimes persuade them to meet up but now that i cant go out drinking i dont really fit into their social lives. would rather have bean than my old friends anyway.

me too - would genuinely rather sing old macdonald than discuss george clooney's best features any day (well most of the time)

sorry have to join this thread, my best mate has just had a baby about 2mths ago, I am expecting my first one in 16wks and before she had the baby we use to chat everyday about everything, after she has had the baby I still try & ring her at least once a week, she lives over 100 miles away and was planning on going to c her in a couple of weeks, i love baby talk as really into it my self but she is so distracted with the baby that I would b lucky if she ever returns any of my calls, i dont want to lose her as a mate and I know she is busy but were any of u like this when u had a baby?? I know rely on mnet to pent my worries and concerns because she just doent have the time!!

oh my god!!!!! - she is probably drowoning in nappies and milk and vom and berating herself because she doesnt return any of your calls.... if you can mnagae it go and see her and enjoy your friendship before it changes again and if you got the enegery steal the baby to give her some sleep, make her some casseroles and freeze them into individual portions, buy some wine, run her a bath and insist that she lets you help - and then hope someone does the same for you when yours arrives!!!!!

Yep in my old company i broke the mold and went off and had dd they were fine in the beginning then i said i was going to leave to stay at home with dd, the boss got masy telling me that i would never find a job like this a woman in management etc and the others never seen them, been off work for 2 and half yrs. But you then pick yourself up go to toddler groups and join mumsnet and see light at the end of the tunnel

It does depend on the friend some of my friends always make a huge effort, knitting for dd, coming round to do a baking sessions, others only like to see me without dd, but they are honest about it and are happy to listen to me talk about her so I don't mind, then there are an odd few that have just faded to the odd meeting/phone call/email or even not that. As others have said, good friends last and others are just good for that particular stage in your life. It is sometimes hard that when something as wonderful as your child enters your life, friends walk out of it!! Although mumsnet does make it easier!!!

I think there is a bit more to it than mums being busy or wanting to talk about children. I think having a child says a lot about what you want from life, and what your opportunities are.

It can make friends reassess where they are going with their own lives, and can make them freak out.

One of my friends had an abortion a few years ago and is now not in a relationship, is getting towards the end of her childbearing years and may never have a baby. She visited when my DS was six weeks old and then disappeared for 3 years, despite my efforts to keep in touch, but has resurfaced recently.

Another slightly less close friend was devastated as she wanted a baby with her partner and he did not want one because he had children by a previous relationship. She found it too painful to stay in touch.

I think it is sad that women sometimes can't be supportive of one another. Having said that, I have made some lovely new friends through babies, some of whom I hope will be long term.

SANA I think it's only a passing thing with your friend, it's VERY time consuming have a baby for the first time and I wouldn't have believed it unless I'd gone through it myself.

I remember being unable to focus on much besides the baby and it is really hard to keep in touch with people for those first couple of months when you're still trying to get a handle on everything. When my son was a baby (around 6 months old), a friend of mine told me she was disappointed that I hadn't contacted her much in those first couple of months. I was horrified as I didn't mean to ignore anyone during that time and I certainly didn't mean to hurt her, but I struggled a bit with post-natal depression and felt that I was drowning in nappies, vomit and lack of sleep (as subs put it so well!). Don't worry, when she gets into more of a routine with it all, I'm sure everything will get back on track again.

hi lozzowoo! how you doing?
my friends are the same, even chose one as godparent and she sees dd about once every 6 months if that! she also has ds but has a million family around her to farm him too, so she doesnt understand why i cant drop everything to go out on the p**S at the drop of a hat!

sana

stick around, youll get really helpful advice from her when the dust settles(if it ever does!) and she'll feel more comfortable talking about what colour poo she saw today when yours is here...you will need all your friends and family around, so hang on in there, just make sure you get enough support elsewere.good look.x