Can I stop my ex's GF sleeping, toileting & bathing with my 4yo daughter

[PhoenixMother]

Hello there, I'm new to this site and a bit overwhelmed so forgive any etiquette blunders. I'm desperately seeking advice on my rights and any channels of support when it comes to my ex husband and his girlfriend(s).

I separated from my husband 18 months ago when I found he had been arranging to have sex with women online. We have been divorced a year. My 4yo daughter lives with me. My husband sees her on a Wed after school and Sat daytime only, no overnight stays. In the time we've been separated, he has introduced my daughter to 3 of "daddy's friends" (that I know of) and is now living with the latest having met her online less than 6 months ago. My husband's online dating profile that ensnared this woman showed him and my daughter in a photo juxtaposed with a vulgar offer of "amazing sex" in his bio. Further context that seems relevant is that during couples therapy he was diagnosed as a sex addict for which he has not sought help. He is a narcissistic, misogynistic master manipulator and, through the divorce, has colluded with my mum and destroyed my relationship with my family - an example being that he had my mum encourage me to agree that we should remain married whilst he sleeps with other women. This 18 months spent alone has given me the space to reflect on the way he treated me, particularly with regards to sex and I'm beginning to realise that a lot of it was not OK.

What leads me to this email is that, having met his most recent girlfriend online in Sept, he moved in with her in Dec. He didn't tell me he was moving in with a partner. He has gone to lengths to conceal her name from me (I had to ask for proof of a negative CV19 test and he pixelated her surname and DOB). He parks a road away from the house when she is in the car so I can't see her when he drops my daughter off.

Now I hear from my daughter that the girlfriend baths her during the daytime when she visits. The girlfriend uses the toilet in front of my daughter whilst they are at home. My daughter tells me she has "seen" this woman's private parts. The pair of them are now telling my daughter that she will be staying for a sleepover soon and this woman is going to sleep in a single bed with her.

Whilst individually, these events may all seem innocuous, the sum and the context is making me feel sick. Whilst I hope it's unlikely, it's not impossible that this woman has dark motives. She may just be young and naive, but if the pair of them aren't able to see that this is inappropriate I don't know where they have drawn a line. I don't want my daughter to stay over with them but I don't think I can insist she is brought home. Everything I've read on here suggests that whilst my daughter is in his care he can spend time with any adult he wants. None of this is sitting right with me and I really don't know where to turn. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Hi, I would tell him that you are not comfortable with this and it must stop, you could also contact social services?

Contact social services and let them guide you.

I agree, social services.

This does sound really odd, OP, and I'm not surprised that you are not happy with it.

Why does your DD need a bath in the day? I should imagine most children have them first thing in the morning, or at bedtime, unless they have got dirty/muddy etc. Even if your DD follows her to the toilet she is old enough to be told to wait outside, or if she had to go infront of her there usually no need to expose genitals. I also find it strange that she will be sleeping in the bed with your DD - why wouldn't she be in bed with your ex?? I find that really concerning. She may possibly have said that she will lie with her for a while if she finds staying over strange, and it may be said with the best of intentions, but combined with everything else it raises concerns.

In your situation I would definitely be seeking advice from SS - they will have contact details on your local authority website for safeguarding concerns. It may help to talk through your concerns with a social worker and looking at what steps you could take.

I've no idea if you can do anything about it, buts it's grim. There is absolutely no need for a new girlfriend to be doing any of these things. I would definitely be seeking professional advice on the matter.

The pair of them are now telling my daughter that she will be staying for a sleepover soon and this woman is going to sleep in a single bed with her.

After having known her for a very short time.

Social services.

Can't agree any more with PPs, Social Services!

Why did you need to see a negative Covid test?
Just out of interest.

Is your dd at nursery/school? If so I’d ask to speak with the schools safe guarding lead as well as social services.

Why is she having a bath in the day time?

Thank you all, I think I needed to hear that I'm not over reacting. A big part of my ex's preferred method of torment is to gas light me into thinking I'm insane. I've just got off the phone to my local child services and they have confirmed that what I've told them is enough to spark a safe guarding issue. Hopefully, this is a matter of the pair of them needing a professional to explain to them what is and isn't appropriate behaviour towards and in the presence of a 4 year old. My ex certainly won't hear it from me. Thank you all so much x

@PhoenixMother

Thank you all, I think I needed to hear that I'm not over reacting. A big part of my ex's preferred method of torment is to gas light me into thinking I'm insane. I've just got off the phone to my local child services and they have confirmed that what I've told them is enough to spark a safe guarding issue. Hopefully, this is a matter of the pair of them needing a professional to explain to them what is and isn't appropriate behaviour towards and in the presence of a 4 year old. My ex certainly won't hear it from me. Thank you all so much x

Well done!

@FelicityPike With the Covid test - he has twice claimed to have Covid symptoms (and so cancelled the days he was meant to look after our daughter) then sent screenshots of their test results but pixelated his girlfriends surname and DOB.

I’m glad that SS have acknowledged your concerns. I would be concerned that she/they are normalising inappropriate nudity in front of your child.

I think the fact that your daughter is telling you these things shows that she’s not comfortable either. You’re right to step in.

That's good to hear that you made the call, OP, and that they are taking it seriously. I hope that this leads to your ex & girlfriend taking professional advice on board, and that your DD (and you) feel more comfortable about the contact.

I’m glad you made that call.

Really glad you have sought advice from social workers on this. You are absolutely right to be very uncomfortable with this. I think the test has to be - if something happened and I had done nothing, would I regret that more than if nothing happened and I ‘overreacted’.

I would just add to the comments above that you don’t have to send your DD to her dad’s if you don’t think she’s safe there.

Social services
Alarm bells ringing

I definitely think you have done the right thing in calling SS/ CS. Your description of events made for uncomfortable reading... I hope it gets resolved ASAP.

UPDATE

Hello all, I spoke with Social Services who escalated to MASH. I was called by MASH and told she would speak to my ex that day. She did, he initially refused to give his girlfriend's details but later called back to give them. He and I received a letter explaining MASH would "request relevant information from partner agencies". Yesterday I received a call from MASH to say they feel there is "no role for them in this situation”. All this means is that MASH have established that neither of them are known to the Police or Drug and Alcohol Services. Whilst MASH might be confident the likelihood of my daughter being in immediate risk of physical harm is minimal I’ve been left in a very difficult situation. My ex and his partner will interpret this as their greenlight to continue behaving irresponsibly and inappropriately knowing now that there is nothing I can do about it. Every step I take to protect myself and my daughter from the deranged behaviour of my ex is catalogued as me being neurotic and overreacting – because it’s never “bad enough”. He has isolated me from my family completely and I’ve failed to convince anyone in authority that there is a concern deemed worthy of intervention. My ex refuses to even say hello or goodbye when he collects my daughter whilst his partner hides in the car a street away.

Does anyone know of any other agencies that I can seek help from? I want to have someone I can work with, in confidence, to learn how to manage this situation.