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Parenting

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Original poster

my daughter is narcissistic

30 replies

agustine07839 · 24/02/2021 11:49

my daughter is 14 and regularly bullies and insults me on a daily basis. its escalating and getting worse. I am a working single parent who has supported 2 kids without any help from their dad. She has seen 3 physiologists throughout her life (the break up with the father when she was 3 was very messy). she is affecting the behaviour of my son who is nearly 12. She has no boundaries, though I am constantly trying to enforce them, she has no empathy and is narcissistic. she is always causing arguments with myself and my son, and regularly becomes violent, especially with her brother. she doesn't care about anything. She never takes responsibility for anything (she always blames someone else, usually me, even when she hasn't done her homework). I'm really struggling and it's starting to affect my mental health. Even my close friends are commenting on her outrageous, unjustified, turbulent behaviour when we are together. She disrespects both me, her father and my friends and everything I do for her. I've tried punishing her by removing her privileges, talking to her (but she doesn't listen) and when I have the money I will take her for more counselling. Can anyone else suggest anything please?

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/02/2021 11:52

Is she better around other family members?

Changeychange1 · 24/02/2021 11:56

You’re diagnosing a personality disorder in a child? A child who has experienced trauma through parental separation, impacted by hormones, the challenges of lockdown and stress. What about her father - are there issues around rejection and abandonment. She sounds like she’s having an extremely difficult time and needs support to manage her emotions and behaviour.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 24/02/2021 12:06

I was like this as a teenager. I was really unhappy at home and at school and my defence mechanism was just to not care about anything. I treuly didnt care about anything. I didnt care that I hurt people. Didnt care that people didnt like me, etc. I was so unhappy I just wanted to leave and because of that going to uni was the only way out, so I worked hard at my A levels. Then when I went to uni I (quite rightly) really struggled people I had no people skills. That was the point where I knew I needed to change, and it was long, long process of working on myself.

As pp said, is there anyone else who she listens to? Anything she likes that you can encourage? Early support would have helped me so much.

Original poster

agustine07839 · 24/02/2021 12:41

thanks for your replies.
I live alone in spain, my family are all in the uk.

the relationship with her father is even more toxic, he has no patience with them, although I'm considering that she stays with him this weekend to give myself and her brother some space apart.
Letthemallscreamatthesistene.... thanks for your side of the issue. I know she takes everything out at me, as she has told me, but I can only take so much abuse. I have tried to help her, with after school activities, but its hard during this lockdown. The only time I have peace is when she is in her bedroom on the internet, which I try and discourage. she wants to move to the UK and live with my mum, but I really can't let my mum deal with this, not until she is more respectful and considers others in her actions. I'm not sure my mum can deal with this, as she is nearly 70.

OP posts:

user18467425798532 · 24/02/2021 12:44

@Changeychange1

This.

You think that she hasn't noticed you rejecting her too, op?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 24/02/2021 12:46

I dont think you should send her to her dad for the weekend when you know the relationship is worse. She isnt a lost cause that you can ship off. I think itll make things worse in the long run.

Does she have any hobbies? Anything? That might be the thing that tethers her behaviour.

In hindsight I was very, very lost. Can your mum speak to her, if she listens to her?

HumphreyCobblers · 24/02/2021 12:47

The OP was asking for support in helping her child.

MottTheHoople · 24/02/2021 13:04

@agustine07839

thanks for your replies. I live alone in spain, my family are all in the uk. the relationship with her father is even more toxic, he has no patience with them, although I'm considering that she stays with him this weekend to give myself and her brother some space apart. Letthemallscreamatthesistene.... thanks for your side of the issue. I know she takes everything out at me, as she has told me, but I can only take so much abuse. I have tried to help her, with after school activities, but its hard during this lockdown. The only time I have peace is when she is in her bedroom on the internet, which I try and discourage. she wants to move to the UK and live with my mum, but I really can't let my mum deal with this, not until she is more respectful and considers others in her actions. I'm not sure my mum can deal with this, as she is nearly 70.

Hi agustine,

I had the same trouble with my daughter at that age, fairly similar circs, she felt her life had been impacted by her mum and I getting divorced when little. She was really sweet until about 11 or 12, then turned into what you describe, bullying her brother, seemingly with a lot of resentment against me and her mum. She is now 25, and after Uni has really grown into a lovely (but still slightly entitled!) young lady. Just do your best, and try not to lose your temper - that is where is always goes wrong, and both sides say things they regret. She knows her parents love her really. Tell her she can move to the UK when she's finished school, but to focus on her studies until then. You're not in Sotogrande are you?

Mykidhatespastabake · 24/02/2021 13:10

Have you tried to contact Spanish social services to see if they can offer any support?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 24/02/2021 13:12

@mottthehoople do you think it was uni that made your daughter change, or at least realise her behaviour needed to change?

Im curious because that was what prompted a change for me. It wasnt a 'light switch' moment as such, it was a gradual realisation.

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/02/2021 13:14

@agustine07839

thanks for your replies. I live alone in spain, my family are all in the uk. the relationship with her father is even more toxic, he has no patience with them, although I'm considering that she stays with him this weekend to give myself and her brother some space apart. Letthemallscreamatthesistene.... thanks for your side of the issue. I know she takes everything out at me, as she has told me, but I can only take so much abuse. I have tried to help her, with after school activities, but its hard during this lockdown. The only time I have peace is when she is in her bedroom on the internet, which I try and discourage. she wants to move to the UK and live with my mum, but I really can't let my mum deal with this, not until she is more respectful and considers others in her actions. I'm not sure my mum can deal with this, as she is nearly 70.

After travel restrictions lift maybe ask your mum to come round. If they get on she might be able to get to the root of the problem while doing fun things.

HamnetandJudith · 24/02/2021 13:15

My dd can be similar. She is awaiting an autism diagnosis after self harming. Her anger was really anger at herself.

MottTheHoople · 24/02/2021 13:23

Letsallscreamatthesistene - It certainly helped, and as you say, they soon learn how to treat others when out in the world. Like you say, a gradual thing, but it was nice to hear from her whilst at Uni saying how much she loved me and her mum, as though all the acting out had never happened, and now long forgotten.

Original poster

agustine07839 · 24/02/2021 16:22

I don't reject her, my life revolves around my kids. If I'm not working then I'm with them, but recently I've been seeking advice from my friends who say she is showing narcissistic tendencies. Her father is narcissistic, the reason why we broke up. She has been to therapy several times and we will so again once I have the finances.
I did involve spanish social services a couple of years ago but then she wouldn''t go to therapy. Also a Spanish friend said it wasn't the best way to go since she would be in the 'system' here which can be slightly worrying, so I did private therapy.

I'm in Ibiza, which would be paradise, if I didn't have this escalating issue.
She talks to my mum on whatsapp, but not about her issues. I haven't addressed these yet with my mum. If I do, I'm afraid my mum won't have her to do her GCSEs or A Levels... this is still something we are considering.

OP posts:

Original poster

agustine07839 · 24/02/2021 16:26

@HamnetandJudith she has also self harmed at school when she gets anxious. I've been to several meetings recently at the school and she is seeing the physiologist there, so lets hope this helps.
The doctors and school are all in communication to try and improve the situation

OP posts:

HamnetandJudith · 24/02/2021 16:39

It does sound like ASD.

HamnetandJudith · 24/02/2021 16:39

My dd lets all her anger out on me because it’s safe.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 24/02/2021 16:40

It could be 101 other things than ASD. Honestly, everytime someone suggests ASD just because of poor behaviour it just makes them seem ignorant of the condition.

HamnetandJudith · 24/02/2021 16:43

Well thank you. I’m dealing with dd’s distress and CAMHS suggested ASD. But I’m ignorant.

HamnetandJudith · 24/02/2021 16:43

And obviously it could be other things. It’s a possibility worth exploring is all.

ApplePearsAndCrumble · 24/02/2021 16:46

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

It could be 101 other things than ASD. Honestly, everytime someone suggests ASD just because of poor behaviour it just makes them seem ignorant of the condition.

this.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 24/02/2021 16:47

Oh stop it. You, quite earnestly, said its ASD which you've summized based on your daughter. ASD has a load of traits and basing a suggested diagnosis because of your daughter is quite ignorant.

HamnetandJudith · 24/02/2021 16:47

My dd is autistic but I’m ignorant about the condition. Please think about what you are saying. I already feel like a failure as a parent. I was just describing my situation. OPs might be different.

HamnetandJudith · 24/02/2021 16:47

Ok I’ll bow out now

HamnetandJudith · 24/02/2021 16:48

I know how long a diagnosis takes. No one is going to diagnose based on an Internet forum discussion.

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