Just find parenting so hard a lot of the time what's wrong with me

[Orosei]

I have 2 DCs, both boys, 5.5yo and 3.5yo. It's mostly just hard work with very few happy pockets where I enjoy being with them. That can't be right?

I often think about posting about my 5.5yo but then stop and think oh no it's normal. He's just so hyper. He works himself up into a state of absolute manic energy over almost anything, and then is just impossible to connect with. He stops making eye contact and it's like he's in another zone. After dinner today we played frustration (his choice) and he was doing quite well so he wasn't upset about losing. He just got wildly overexcited, is standing on his hands jumping from foot to foot, screaming, kicking stuff, grinding his teeth hard. Bedtime he then sprints around the room screaming noooo I won't I'm not tired, waking his brother who had only just started to settle (5.5yo gets half an hour downstairs with one of us while 3.5yo goes to sleep), climbing onto drawers and jumping off, picking up the rug and throwing it around, screaming and making random noises. This is how he is most bedtimes, tiredness or lack of it is nothing to do with it I've tried different bedtimes etc. He just likes doing it, calls it 'staying up all night'. He's always running up and down the room, standing on the chairs, climbing on the kitchen side to open the cupboards. He rarely plays with toys it's always moving furniture around and tying string around the house etc. It's just so wearing.

I've been trying to get 3.5yo to sleep for one hour and ten minutes now and I'm just so fucking fed up. Why is it almost never pleasant. It feels like torture. Oh and they both still wake up every night so I rarely sleep through (5.5yo was 2 hourly the first 3 years and it's still so rare he sleeps through it's notable when he does). He often will only go back to sleep in our bed and we either have to say yes or have a middle of the night argument. We once decided to just make it that he had to go back in his own bed and he stayed up for 4 hours standing with one of us in the hall so we haven't tried since because we're so sleep deprived as it is.

I don't know the point of this sorry I'm just so so tired. 5.5yo is lovely, creative, an angel at school with perfect behaviour except sometimes seems in his own world apparently. Yet at home he's just in everything and always shouting. Every bedtime I dread. Will it get better? Is this how it is for everyone?

They do get very overtired at that age, AND they need lots of exercise letting off steam in the daytime outdoors. It sounds quite familiar to me, having had two boys, especially the lack of imaginative play, compared to lots of play which is about pushing and pulling, jumping.
I would try and do stimulating activities in the daytime, and "wind down" activities ie not Frustration at the very least. So stories, baths, quiet music.
Ds1 and 2 both had some issues with social communication and motor skills (D's is dyspraxic) and ds2 was subsequently diagnosed with Asperger's. Life with them at that age was good though, and we had many happy times and still do! I recommend a book called the Out of Sync Child and the O of S C has fun.
When a child has poor proprioception or dyspraxia or inattentive ADHD it can mean they are constantly seeking stimulation and feedback for their brain...I'm not explaining it very well...but it can affect sleep patterns too. Ds2 always slept in our bed till 8 years, but he went to bed in his own bed easily with the right sleep routine, very familiar and the same.

The SN board on here, SN children or Chat might be helpful too. Ds1 and 2 are fine young men now both at uni, studying music and history respectively.

We had to spend a lot of time and v hit and miss working out strategies for our kids (DD as well) it certainly was not straightforward.
I always remember ds1 playing with a doll's House by throwing things down the dolls House stairs!

The climbing is another very interesting developmental stage, important for brain, and balance, dses went through this , trees, climbing frames, monkey barsand then suddenly at 8 they both developed vertigo and hated climbing.
An OT could advise what is called a sensory diet, not a food diet, but a list of activities, mostly everyday that would help your lo. Both calming and stimulating, at the right time of day for calm or stimulation...ie crunchy food at breakfast, wearing a backpack, weighted blanket at bedtime....that sort of detail.

That's all really interesting thank you, lots to think about. He is definitely different to his brother but whether that's just temperament or slightly more in terms of sensory issues or something it's hard to say. We have a very set bedtime routine, low red lights but he just ups and ups and ups the energy. He's doing it now running round screaming. It was a nice relaxed evening, he did some drawing quietly shortly before bedtime routine but now he's bouncing off the walls. Been in here over an hour and he's yelling, screaming, rolling around all floppy, jumping off the bed etc. DH is trying now hence I can write this.

He does love climbing, is great on the monkey bars and up trees, noticeably particularly capable in that way. I've wondered about sensory things because I'm seeing some of those traits in myself. As a child I hated seams in socks (still do and DS does too) and wearing certain 'scratchy' materials (still do) find multiple noises at one quite overwhelming, very sensitive to buzzing or humming from things plugged in, need absolute darkness at night or just cannot sleep and often need to wear ear plugs at night etc. I've read some kids shout and make louds of noise to drown out other sensory input and create it all themselves but no idea if that's really a thing or not. He does it at the supermarket and I wonder if it's a lot in a sensory way? The big difference I see is his brother can calm down and engage, whereas he seems to get stuck in a certain state. His brother can also play for short periods on his own with his cars or dinosaurs (not for long he's only 3) whereas 5yo just cannot do this and never has. Who knows. I think wondering what I should be doing half the time is half the frustration!

Thanks again for your replies.