Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

is it ok for a father and son just not to get on

29 replies

novaparty12 · 21/02/2021 09:40

My son is 12 and autistic he is different to other 12 yr old boys . My husband who is also his father for context and him have never got on. Now my son is 12 and add to the autism, his obscure interests and the general hormonal changes of a 12 yr old the relationship between them has widened even more. Every weekend I try to get them to bond but every time it just goes wrong and one of them ends up causing an argument and the other one fights back. I think it is my duty as a mother to "make them" like each other but the more I try the worse it gets. Should I just accept that sometimes a parent and child just do not get on??

OP posts:

Thatwentbadly · 21/02/2021 09:41

It’s your DH duty to find a common interest with his son not yours. Have you talked to your DH about this?

PotteringAlong · 21/02/2021 09:43

They can get on whilst simultaneously having nothing in common.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/02/2021 09:49

I think when you try to make people get on, in any context, it can have the opposite effect. People sometimes don't have much in common or just don't gel well however the most important thing is that they both behave respectfully towards each other.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

novaparty12 · 21/02/2021 09:55

DH just says that our son does not respect him so he refuses to try and engage with him DS says his dad hates him for who he is so refuses to engage, apart from through shouting and swearing. When my son was little he used to scream and shout alot because of his autism when things went wrong or not in routine. My DH would never look after him or attend any autism courses or classes because he just thought that his child was "naughty" and would just walk off. When my son got to about 10 he got in his head that his dad hates him because he remembers all the times daddy just walked off. They are both as bad as each other and neither are really interested in pursuing a relationship it is me that tries to instill we eat a meal together or go for a walk altogher we usually last about 10 mins before someone says or does something to wind the other one up. Surely it is just easier for all our sakes to not bother anymore. Maybe when my son is an adult they may get on better or of course it could go the other way and my son could resent his dad even more.

OP posts:

Mischance · 21/02/2021 10:02

I do not think you have a duty to artificially foster this relationship - what will be will be. I am not sure that cajoling your grown adult OH into trying to do things that you want over this is very productive - he finishes up with a child that he struggles to relate to and on top of that a "nagging" wife who is trying to manipulate his feelings and actions. He needs to deal with this in his own way without getting the third degree and criticism.

I do appreciate how hard all this must be for you, but I think the best way is to back off a bit. The more you try and force/cajole them into getting on well and doing things together, the more opportunity there is for conflict.

EwwSprouts · 21/02/2021 10:05

I think try for acceptance. When DS was that age he started wanting to do his own sport and see his own friends on a Saturday. DH took it really badly as it meant he wasn't going with him to football matches any more. It wasn't a rejection of DH just a stage for DS in exploring his own interests and becoming more independent.
Try to keep mealtimes civil and maybe once a week all three of you watch film together. But recognise we are all living on top of each other at the moment and just make sure your DS knows he is loved even if there are sometimes disagreements.

Thatsmycupoftea · 21/02/2021 10:09

They are not both as bad as each other, your son is 12, a child, its your husband who is acting like a child and this will affect your son way beyond childhood.

I have daughters, my dh does not particularly like barbie and dolls but he finds a way to engage in the interests of his children because its important and he cares about them and their feelings.

My eldest has sen and screams a lot but we both work hard to understand her and make it better and find ways to make her life easier and happier.

I honestly can't believe your husband argues with his son after 10 minutes of a walk. Is he 2.

It's not your duty to push a relationship between them but it is your duty to protect your child's well-being and mental health. I'm not blaming you but only you can change this because 12 years have past and your husband still hasn't bothered to change or try. I'd be telling him to leave. Poor ds thinking his dad hates him.

Doveyouknow · 21/02/2021 10:11

I don't think there is anything you can do as it's really your dh's role to foster a relationship with his son. I think you pushing it is just emphasising the gap. That's not to say I think that what happening is ok. Your son feels (with some justification) that his father hates him. That's pretty damaging and he will probably need help to deal with that in the long term.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/02/2021 10:15

You need to accept that there is only so much you can do to solve this. It sounds like your DH and DS aren't a good fit for each other and as PP have said any solution to this, if there is one, needs to come from DH.

TooTrueToBeGood · 21/02/2021 10:16

Sorry to be blunt but your husband sounds like a twat. It's his responsibility as the adult to act like one. Instead, he is behaving like a petulant teenager. This is not about your son's autism - it is all about your husband's immaturity and failure to parent. They may be "as bad as each other" but your son has an excuse for behaving like a child because he is one (autistic or not). Your husband has no excuse.

Spaceman1 · 21/02/2021 10:21

My dad was a jerk and when I was 21 I told him to do one.

user18467425798532 · 21/02/2021 10:21

They are both as bad as each other

No, they're really, really not. What a shitty thing to say.

One is a child who has consistently been rejected and name called by his parent since a young age, and therefore feels hated instead of loved. (Developmental trauma...)

One is an adult with parental responsibilities who has consistently mistreated his child from a very young age and refused to honour his caring responsibilities, and now punishes that child for being damaged by his own behaviour.

And you're joining in with blaming your son.

Your husband is a neglectful, abusive dickhead and you are excusing him.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/02/2021 10:23

I agree that a grown adult should be able to refrain from winding up a 12 year old. Surely that would help a little.

zzizzer · 21/02/2021 10:28

Yeah, your DH is an arsehole.

Not sure where you go from there though.

Fleetheart · 21/02/2021 10:29

I suspect that your DH must have some autistic traits that make it difficult to empathise and sounds like he loses his temper very quickly. My ex was like this and he just never had any patience.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 21/02/2021 10:29

You need to stop making excuses for your awful husband and stop blaming your child for an adults shitty behaviour.

It must have really hurt your son knowing his father thought of him as naughty and dismissed his autism. He wouldn't even attend courses so he could understand more about his own son's condition. That's disgusting. It's like your son is a disappointment to him amd he doesn't want anything to do with him. It must still hurt your son now. I couldn't tolerate that, no way. Your child comes first.

The poor 12 year old boy not only has to deal with his father's dislike and disapproval for a condition hebhas no control of, he also has to live with him. With lockdown, the poor child isn't even getting a break. To make matters worse, he's also got a mother who partly blames him for not getting on with his father. I'd hate him if I was your son.

Sumwin1 · 21/02/2021 10:35

I have to ask OP. Be honest with yourself is this mainly down to your Son having autism?

It’s a parents responsibility to steer a relationship especially as your Son is only 12.

What is your partner expecting? There’s many threads on here where mothers say they find playing boring I do sometimes too however I do it because it makes my DS happy, I love my child and it’s my duty to make an effort.

Surely it should be about DS anyway?

I couldn’t live like this your partner would have to GO

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/02/2021 10:42

I would have very little respect for a man who behaves like that

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 21/02/2021 10:52

Your son feels rejected by his father. That’s so sad. Your DH needs to drawn a line under the past and bridge the gap.

LizzieBirmingham · 21/02/2021 10:58

They are not as bad as each other because your son is a child, and your husband is a grown adult who apparently doesn’t care enough about his child to learn how to parent children with autism.

If your husband isn’t willing to learn and change so that he can meet your son where he is, I would seriously consider whether your son is best served by living in a household with someone who doesn’t like him.

andweallsingalong · 21/02/2021 11:00

@user18467425798532 said it perfectly.

Please stop blaming your son for the damaging way his father behaves towards him and please stop putting your son back in harms way.

THEY don't need to work it out. You need to try and stop your DH continuing to be an emotionally abusive arse hole to your young child.

HermitsLife · 21/02/2021 11:21

DS says his dad hates him because of who he is

He's right

Abouttimemum · 21/02/2021 13:19

Your poor son. Your husband is a terrible father.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/02/2021 13:26

They are both as bad as each other

No, they're not.

One is an adult. One is a child.
One is the father. One is the son.
One is NT. One has autism.
One decided he didn't like his son. One is reacting to his Dad not liking him.

At this point I'm not sure there's a route back - really this needed tackling when he first started rejecting his son.

I don't know if I could retain feelings for someone who dislikes my child, rejected at a young age who they are and CBA to be a father.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/02/2021 13:29

we usually last about 10 mins before someone says or does something to wind the other one up have you asked your H why he's putting the dick in DH and antagonising his vulnerable child?

Flip

1 2