Partner restricting kids seeing my mum

[Lola899]

Both our children are currently under the age of 2.

His side: My partner does not get along with my mum. He doesn't like traits in her personality and seems to think they will rub off on our children the more she is around them. He also has paranoia that she will tell them things that will disrespect him or turn them against him and doesn't find she supports us as a family/couple like his parents do. For example his parents buy the kids things all the time to help us out etc. He also doesn't feel acknowledged by her as a father and feels she tries to push him out of the picture. For example when I lived there temporarily she didn't want him in her house and that angered him as the kids are there and he felt inconvenienced to see them. He felt pushed out of the picture and felt she didn't care if he existed in the children's life or not. He is now trying to dictate that his parents should be in the kids life on a regular basis and my mum should only be entitled to seeinh the children 1-2 times a month for maximum two hours with my supervision.

My side: my mum doesn't speak badly to the kids about him. No one's perfect and everyone has bad traits here and there but doesn't mean to say just because they have that flaw it's going to be absorbed by the kids. I just find he's being paranoid and controlling and who is he to try and restrict and dictate when and how long we can spend time with my own mum. Throughout the relationship I have ignored him and seen her when I want with the kids but everytime I do, it ends up with us arguing and on the brink of splitting up. I'm sick of going through these arguments every single time. We've sat down time and time again to maturely discuss it and he just won't let any of it go.

Both of them have been in a room alone together to hash it out to see if we can get past things and it only made things worse. I feel so stuck in my position and feel like this is going to be a long-term stress that will never go away. I'm so torn about whether to stay in the relationship or not and even if it ends its still going to be a problem.

I'm also curious to know why you were living at your mum's, because I bet that is really informative about why your mum wouldn't let him in the house.

But I also agree - this relationship is going nowhere, and you leave now, or you leave later. There is no compromise on this issue, and nor should there be. And his parents helping you out by buying things for the kids is nice - but having the money to do that doesn't make them better than your mum, and could easily be seen as part of a controlling relationship - money isn't everything.

Why did she restrict his access to his children?

That's not what the OP said. She said her mum wouldn't let him in the house. Not that he couldn't have access to the children elsewhere.

He sounds controlling. What is your mum's issue with him?

Whilst on the face of it he sounds controlling, there is way, way, way too much of this story missing for any meaningful advice to be given.

Why were you living with her?

What is it about him that she doesn't like and didn't want in her house?

What are your mother's flawed personality traits which have set him so vehemently against her?

What are his flaws that she so dislikes that she won't have him in her house?

Answer these and we may be able to help more.

Can you see your mum on your own without your dp. It's not clear, but if you've seen her without him and he's arguing about it then he is very controlling. What's he like when you see friends.

There are a few things that jump out here. Like his parents buying things you need. While that is generous, it’s not a grandparents obligation and your mother shouldn’t be penalized for not paying for things that aren’t her responsibility.

As for him not being welcome in her home, well, I’m wondering why on earth you were needing to live in her home in the first place. Somehow I’m guessing it’s not that he was attending an intensive work training abroad and you moved in with her for extra help with young kids or some other explanation that shows him being an ultra responsible and supportive father and partner and her being irrational about his visits.

So basically I’m wondering if your mother might have a good reason not to like this man and if that is all the more reason you should not let him keep you and the children away from her.

Is there any justification in how he feels? As if these things are true then id feel the same. Can you backtrack things a little bit and have contact with him there with you for a bit so he can see for himself how your mum is with the kids, build it up again over time. Hopefully he will learn to trust your mum around the kids again.

Just straight up ignoring his concerns is just going to ruin your relationship