Division of parenting duties. Feeling resentful.

[Molly1989]

Just after some advice / opinions on DH's parenting, or lack thereof, as I'm struggling with the resentment that's building up.

I will preface this by saying that I gave up work to be a SAHM (after much discussion with DH, he feels DS too young for nursery plus the costs would mean I would be going to work for around £10 a day. Am lucky that my place of work have said they will squeeze me back in as and when I feel ready to return) a couple of months ago so appreciate that the majority of day to day tasks will fall to me. DH currently working from home but has been furloughed up until last week. I do all of the early mornings with DS and always have done. Currently he is up a lot at night - I cosleep with him in a separate room, will be looking to transition him to cot but he's teething right now and due his jabs next week so hanging fire for now. I am exhausted. I said to DH yesterday morning after I got up at 4.30 (DH wakes whenever he feels like it) that I'm really struggling with the early mornings and not getting any sleep at night. He just said "yeah I don't know how you do it" and wondered off. This morning, again he woke a few hours after me, with just enough time to make himself a coffee and breakfast and head back to his bedroom to work for the day (9-5).

I also do worry that he doesn't really engage with DS enough, for example when DH wakes in the morning he will sometimes just pat DS on the head or say "hiya" and that's the extent of his communication with him. When he does spend any time with him, DH seems to play on his phone for the majority of the time and/or put the TV on (nothing against TV, I use it to be able to get cooking done etc). I do all the household stuff, laundry, cleaning, washing up, cooking, meal planning etc. Actually, in fairness, DH will wash up sometimes. Badly.

DH does sometimes help with getting DS to sleep if I ring / message him and ask, if I'm getting tired from rocking etc, and on occasion he will bath him, but otherwise he just seems to get to do the fun bits of parenting, but I guess that's normal from speaking to other mums. He does sometimes get impatient with DS if he won't sleep or is grizzly. Not aggressively, but he just sighs and huffs a lot.

I just feel so worn out and when I see DH get up when he feels like it, have leisurely coffees, scroll through his phone, wonder off to vape whenever he wants etc while I run around like a blue arsed fly trying to keep on top of the housework etc, it is making me feel a bit bitter. If I try to discuss it he'll say sorry in a really sarcastic voice or say that I make him feel like an inconvenience or a bad dad. This morning I pointed out they I'd heard him get up around 7 but then he went back to bed till 8.30, and he just he said he hadn't looked at the time.

Am I expecting too much?

You’re not expecting too much. My DH is not like this. We divided night feeds between us while I was on maternity leave and DH was WFH. I didn’t see why I should be exhausted every day and never get a good nights sleep while his life went on as normal and he agreed.

I’m sorry I don’t know what the solution is but if others tell you it’s normal, it isn’t for everyone.

No your not it’s unfair too expect him too be up for half the night if working but he needs too be contributing more when he is not working. I work one day a week and do the bulk of the housework, cooking etc but Sundays we take turns too lie in bed (or dh gets up early but then watches football in our bedroom in the afternoon in peace).

Sorry....what exactly does he do for his child? He decides that baby is too young for childcare but then leaves it all to you?

I’m on Mat leave with our second child. DH works full time, currently from home. He sleeps separately and I do all the night wakes, at my suggestion, because I’m breastfeeding and I don’t see much point in us both being exhausted. However I have called him occasionally in the middle of the night to help when baby just won’t settle and he always tells me to call if I need help.

Things my DH does....

Takes the baby monitor for our toddler and deals with any night wakes
Gets up every morning with our toddler, feeds and dresses him
If I’ve had a really bad night, he takes the baby between 8-10am so I can catch up on some sleep
All the nursery runs
Ad hoc holding the baby throughout the day for a few mins if I need to grab a shower or something
Often takes the baby for at least one nap a day in a sling, while he works
Usually cooks dinner while baby is cluster feeding
Brings me snacks and drinks when trapped under sleeping baby
We share toddler’s bedtime routine
Baths and changes baby for bed
Loads and emptied dishwasher when he sees it needs doing
Washing clothes when he sees it needs doing
On weekends we often divide and conquer so he’ll either have baby in a sling so I can play with toddler or he’ll take toddler out to the park

What I do

Breastfeeding.... a lot
Majority of baby care (probably an 80/20 spilt)
Dealing with baby’s day and night sleep the majority of the time
Household chores the best I can around the demand of the baby, however these are not viewed as solely “my jobs”
Toddler’s evening routine (dinner, bath, stories, bed), although we juggle this between us around baby feeds
Quality time playing with toddler

Your partner doesn’t know he’s born! Add up how many hours a day you do in 24hrs then compare it to his 9-6 day, I’ll bet you do double..... No you’re not expecting too much, he needs to step up and share the load outside of his working hours.

If anything, you’re expecting and accepting too little.
He’s a parent who works, you are a parent who stays at home. When he isn’t working, he should be stepping up to parent on the same level you do. You need to be honest. Tell him you need to share things more. He can do meals, baths, household chores and some of the early mornings too. It’s that simple. When he’s at work, you do the parenting and when he’s not, you share it. He may not be being a bad dad but he’s certainly being a bad partner.

Good luck. These men are hard to change!!

I will preface this by saying that I gave up work to be a SAHM (after much discussion with DH, he feels DS too young for nursery plus the costs would mean I would be going to work for around £10 a day. Am lucky that my place of work have said they will squeeze me back in as and when I feel ready to return)

Did YOU want to return? How much of your DH's "feels DS is too young for nursery" is actually "feels it would be much more convenient to DH to have Molly at home"? What about your pension and long-term career etc. - do you have a plan? £10 a day profit is better than no profit, you know - that's £30 a week if you did 3 days PT, which is £130 a month to add to savings or pay for fun stuff...

I just feel so worn out and when I see DH get up when he feels like it, have leisurely coffees, scroll through his phone, wonder off to vape whenever he wants etc while I run around like a blue arsed fly trying to keep on top of the housework etc, it is making me feel a bit bitter. If I try to discuss it he'll say sorry in a really sarcastic voice or say that I make him feel like an inconvenience or a bad dad.

But he IS being a bad dad and a bad husband.
If you get up all night, and then you are on duty all day, when does your baby's other parent do some parenting? Why does he think a WFH job 9-5 excuses him from all tasks? And he was FURLOUGHED until last week and still did Sweet FA?

You need a big rethink or this dynamic will get worse.

What was his upbringing like with his mum and dad? He sounds immature.

It’s not normal. DH and I split childcare 50/50 outside of working hours and have done since birth. Even when I was on mat leave and on my non working days. I couldn’t give any shits that he’s at work and vice versa.
Both of us say our working days are easier than having DS all day everyday. And we both have very stressful jobs.
Your DH is a liability and needs a wake up call.
Don’t accept a substandard husband and father.
Better to have two marginally tired parents than one on their knees with exhaustion and the other swanning around fully rested doing what they want.
It boils my blood shit like this.
I’m sorry OP.

I feel you OP, bar a few details I feel my DH was very similar when DS was born. He has got a little better as DS has got older (he's 3.5 now) but DH's phone use around DS is still an issue and certain tasks like bath time automatically fall to me still. When I was on maternity leave for the first year I did 5 nights solo a week and DH helped on Friday and Saturday nights as he works mon-fri. However when I went back to work 3 days a week we agreed to split it more evenly as we both need the sleep for work and until the age of 3 DS was a terrible sleeper- up every night between 2-3 times. So since he turned a year old we alternate night duty and I'm "on" 3 nights and DH does 4. That definitely made things a bit easier and felt more mutual. I'd also add that DH never did extra lie ins but then we're both morning people anyway so get up at 7am together whatever day it is. You're definitely not expecting too much but I also sadly think you're not alone in being in this position.

Absolutely not normal. He feels like a bad dad because he is one. Sounds like he needs a massive kick up there arse!

I have a 7 month old and my DH is wfh. He takes her straight after her wake up feed for an hour before he starts work.
He usually makes us all lunch which we have together.
He will usually cook dinner out on the odd occasion where he has to work later I’ll do it but he’ll come down and take the baby as soon as he can. If he doesn’t fancy cooking he’ll take the baby whilst I cook.
He’ll do random nappy changes in the day if he has a quiet moment in work.
He does about 70% of the cleaning.

I take all the night wakes as we bf and it’s easier to pop her on the boob than mess about with rocking and I have the baby during the day.

Thanks all, it's helpful to get people's perspectives. I try and be fair in that he is working, although in his own words he spends his days sending 10-20 emails, the majority of which I proof read, and spends the rest of the day playing on his phone. He finishes for the day on the dot at 5 then comes downstairs, eats the dinner I have cooked and then stays in his room watching TV etc until he goes to sleep.

I haven't slept for more than three hours in 14 months. I haven't managed to shower today (DH has his during his WFH hours). When I do shower or bath (very rare), DH will sit outside the door with DS, letting him bang on the door and saying things like "mummy won't be much longer" loudly even though I'll have just got in the shower.

I am also responsible for buying everything for DS. When I was pregnant I started a little saving tin and would put whatever I could into it, I paid for everything including the private scans we ended up having etc. I remember DH saved £300 for an MOT and said if it cost any less he would put the difference into the pot. The MOT cost £30 and he didn't put a penny in.

Regarding the SAHM thing, it was a joint decision really, only because my work had said they'll take me back which I appreciate I'm very lucky for. I don't mind it really and am glad to have had this time with DS. I would just like a little help / support. There is no difference on DH's days off or when he works, and it was the same throughout the time he was furloughed.

Someone mentioned above about him being immature, and sadly I think that's true, and he does seem to be quite rude to his mum sometimes.

What irks me is that if he does do any parenting or housework, he refers to it as "helping me". Eugh. Sorry for the ramble, I know people do this day in day out without moaning. I have a chronic illness which I have just got over a bad flare up of and I just feel so exhausted.

@Molly1989 I’m so sorry he’s being like this. His behaviour sounds really bad. You should be able to have a break. I think it’s important for your mental and physical health to have some time to yourself. The fact that he thinks he’s ‘helping you’ when doing any housework is so unfair. It makes me feel wound up just reading it!

Being a SAHM shouldn’t mean that he only works 9-5 while you work 24/7 for the foreseeable future. Have you told him how you feel about everything and how unfair it is?

No, of course your not mum. It is expected as much from you as him too because looking after kids is team work and tbh I am a single mum bought up two kids who are 11 and 14 and honestly even my ex being there made no diff as he was like your DH but he left for another woman anyway mum my point is mums are the best and mums do the hardest job in the world and thats being a mum. I would ask you to seek help like if you need a break or rest to let your family members or friends whom you trust just to look after your son so you can get a nice rest, it really helps. I am 41 now and been doing this all alone and yes, gets very tiring but you will be rewarded mum. Good luck

The more you write, the worse it gets. You do all the childcare and housework, you have to pay for your child despite having no income and you have a chronic illness and get no support. What exactly is he bringing to you or your child’s life? I’d like to suggest talking to him but I don’t think for a minute he’s going to change....

Wtf why are you having to pay every thing for your shared child. Bloody hell that is awful

Why are you fully faciliting the life of another adult who literally doesn't give a shit that you're on your knees? Stop proof reading his emails FFS! Save that mental energy. He's a big boy and it's sink or swim time. Then start getting angry about how he treats you. When he lets DS bang on the door ask him what the fuck he thinks he's doing. Tell him he's doing xyand z night per week night duty and early morning. Make it happen. His reaction will tell you everything. I'm not judging you by the way OP because thanks to a horribly dysfunctional relationship with his martyr narc mother and some low-level emotionally abusive tendencies, my DH was the same. You need to get back to work with this sort of man to redress the balance and protect yourself financially. Going back to work and changing my self worth helped me even the score.

I don't really know what you want us to say, OP. I almost hope this isn't real because it just depresses me so much that there are women out there putting up with such utterly shite treatment.

My DH has sadly passed away but when he was alive he did either nights or early mornings, we split the weekend lie ins, we shared all our finances including childcare costs, we split the housework and childcare duties 50/50 on the days when he was at home (I worked part time) and even on the days when I was at home with DD and he was working he would do more of the childcare on those evenings because he knew I needed a break. And I don't have a chronic illness!

Honestly, your partner is useless and you'd be better off without him. And your son will be better off growing up without this lazy, selfish, pathetic man child as an example.

@Molly1989

Thanks all, it's helpful to get people's perspectives. I try and be fair in that he is working, although in his own words he spends his days sending 10-20 emails, the majority of which I proof read, and spends the rest of the day playing on his phone. He finishes for the day on the dot at 5 then comes downstairs, eats the dinner I have cooked and then stays in his room watching TV etc until he goes to sleep.

I haven't slept for more than three hours in 14 months. I haven't managed to shower today (DH has his during his WFH hours). When I do shower or bath (very rare), DH will sit outside the door with DS, letting him bang on the door and saying things like "mummy won't be much longer" loudly even though I'll have just got in the shower.

I am also responsible for buying everything for DS. When I was pregnant I started a little saving tin and would put whatever I could into it, I paid for everything including the private scans we ended up having etc. I remember DH saved £300 for an MOT and said if it cost any less he would put the difference into the pot. The MOT cost £30 and he didn't put a penny in.

Regarding the SAHM thing, it was a joint decision really, only because my work had said they'll take me back which I appreciate I'm very lucky for. I don't mind it really and am glad to have had this time with DS. I would just like a little help / support. There is no difference on DH's days off or when he works, and it was the same throughout the time he was furloughed.

Someone mentioned above about him being immature, and sadly I think that's true, and he does seem to be quite rude to his mum sometimes.

What irks me is that if he does do any parenting or housework, he refers to it as "helping me". Eugh. Sorry for the ramble, I know people do this day in day out without moaning. I have a chronic illness which I have just got over a bad flare up of and I just feel so exhausted.

When he says “ helping you” , you have to turn round and say “ or what you mean is actually being a part of the equation, it is both of our responsibilities to parent and both our responsibilities to keep a nice house. I might have a larger part to play in that but it’s not my sole responsibility”. Whilst you are at, stop proof reading his emails, why help him when he so clearly doesn’t help you. Also re the whole co sleeping, hearing him get up thing, just go to to him and hand him the baby and walk away. Also when he says “ I don’t know how you do it” you should say “ resentfully” and give him a stern look.

Omg I didn’t even comment on the finance stuff. You have got to tell him he has to contribute financially towards the child. If you are now SAHM then where will you get money going forward to buy everything the child needs. Also he thinks the baby is too young to go to nursery, then he should care for the baby some of the time, go 3 days so you can go back to work 2 or whatever. Otherwise he gets little say.

This is absolutely appalling.

You could go back to work and make sure he pays half for nursery. Look at all your finances and see if you could manage on your income, universal credit if necessary and child maintenance in the event of a split. Knowledge is power and you have to be prepared to walk away after you tell him the way things should be. Is your house rented or owned?

I feel so angry on your behalf.

Go back to work pronto! He’s taking you for a ride financially and practically. Cover yourself and your earning potential.

I guarantee he will decide that nursery is actually ok when it’s him who would have to give up work (and still somehow pay for everything).

I don't think you will get anywhere with your current tactics. If you want to frame it in a way that is more likely to make him empathise, compare your leisure time. You and him should have an equal amount of free time per week - where neither of you are working a job, doing chores/hoisehold admin, or looking after children. When you express it in numerical terms he may be more likely to see how unfair the current setup is.

That being said, if he considers childcare women's work then the above advice is irrelevant and you have a big problem.

Ah, I just read your update. Yeah, that's a problem. Time for a long hard chat. His behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable