parenting difficulties

[Parvathi]

Hi everyone, I am a single mum and honestly feel like my word has a taken a toll on me and I have all the burdens on my shoulders. I have a 11 and a 14 years old and every time I say something, they get angry or talk back, for example, if I say to brush their teeth or have a bath instead of listening, they would tell me to shut up or F u and it really hurts because I have been a good mum but I just feel I do not have the right parenting tools or patience. We always end up in arguments and I end up triggering bad memories from my child hood so I get my emotions involved without disciplining them and I am on my own so its extremely difficult doing everything alone. Any advice would help

Oh dear this sounds tough.

My advice would be to try and leave emotion out of this - try and stop letting your past overwhelm you because it's not something you should be showing to your kids when you're disciplining them. Don't get upset - assert yourself as credible leader! I know this is easier said than down

It's not up for negotiation whether they should be allowed to swear at you. That's not acceptable at all. So, as an example, they're both old enough to know they should brush their teeth every day. So I'd say to them once in the morning ' guys, I'm not going to ask you to brush your teeth today. You know where your toothbrushes are and where the toothpaste is so I'm going to trust you to do it today at some point. They're your teeth and it's you in pain if you let them decay'

And then just leave them to it. You may well have a few days where they don't brush their teeth ... so what? This of course backfires if there are deeper issues at play here and your children have deeper seated problems - you don't mention this however

Pick your battles. They are not to swear is something to go to war over for example

Oh and don't get into a spiral of removing privileges - you give them nothing to lose

Again, I'm assuming that they're basically good kids?

But it's time to just try and be a little firmer and stronger in yourself

No advice sorry but there is a "surviving half term holiday" thread going on in the Tern section if you need any support