Sharing feeding with full time working partner

[NewParent11]

I'm sure this has been asked plenty of times but since my partner returned to work they seem to do very little in the way of looking after our little one. I care for the newborn all day while doing all the housework, shopping, cooking and laundry for all 3 of us.

Other than one feed in the evening and maybe once a week a night feed I seem to do it all until the weekend arrives and they're off work.

Should this be splitting 50/50 when we're both home or is this my full time job in the same way they have theirs?

We do 50/50 ish outside of his working hours, unless his job is dangerous or he could lose it with a bit less sleep I don't think there's any excuse.

Tbh, the way i see it you've got two options...

1. you sack off the housework/cooking/shopping etc during the day and get him to do that when he gets home
2. you hand the baby to him for 2-3 hours each evening when he gets home, and you get a rest, and then take over again for a bit before bedtime so he gets a rest

I personally would do a mix of both. 9-5, he has his job, and 9-5 your job is to be at home with the baby. outside 9-5, BOTH of your jobs are to look after the baby and the house. so outside of his working hours you should be doing 50/50.

I'm so sorry, I just realised you used "they" rather than "he", I apologise for any potential misgendering, I was typing on autopilot.

I used to do them in the week and then we'd split the feeds and the lie in at the weekend. I did go back to bed for a nap every day though so seemed a bit unfair to make DH get up in the night and work all day while I could have a sleep.

I'd definitely be jibbing off doing all the housework, shopping and cooking though - just because you're off with the baby doesn't mean you have to do all the house tasks too.

I BF so don't share feeds, I do all night with the baby. DH gets up with DD first thing & changes her, looks after her during breakfast til he starts work (currently WFH during covid). I then look after her 9-6 while he works. When he finishes work, he takes her while I shower & cook dinner. We then eat dinner, bath the baby & I feed her. DH settles her for bed & I have an hour of downtime (this is key for me as it gives me a break before tackling the night alone). Then I go in the room (we're co sleeping) and read/sleep while he has his downtime before bed. At weekends we share care - he always does one full "wake window" between naps on Sat/Sun so I can nap/take a bath/have downtime, but generally we tag team. DD contact naps & cosleeps so it's still really full on & it's taken us a while to get the balance right (she's almost 6 months).

I do all the cleaning & laundry in the week so that we can have weekends together - I choose to do this though as I would rather he spend his non-working time with DD, rather than cleaning.

I would.be concerned that your partner doesnt want to spend time with the baby. It doesnt matter what form that time takes. It isnt work, it is a relationship you build with baby whilst doing those time consuming boring tasks. I dont think there are any shortcuts in bonding, you have to put the hours in.

I would say it’s 50:50 when they’re home but predominantly nights are done by the one at home. My first DD was breastfed so only I could do nights but in the early weeks DH would get home at 5.30/6 and often take the baby for a walk or at least share looking after and between us we’d do dinner and looking after the baby. When she was up a lot at night I’d sometimes go to bed early on and DH would look after the baby for me to get some sleep. With my second baby he was formula fed and again we’d share looking after him when DH was home but he’d also often do the 8pm-12am “shift” as he could feed him and it meant I could get some sleep in.
It changed as DC started sleeping more and I got more time back but on weekends we share things. I do remember having to push quite hard with that though especially as DH wanted to come home and have 30 minutes chilling out like he did before we had DC and I had to push the point that I hadn’t relaxed all day either.
We also worked out ways for DH and i to share the housework so he’d put some washing on before he left for work and I’d hang it out, he’d wash up in the morning etc. Cleaning took a back seat really apart from the Hoover that seemed to calm my DD so I did quite a lot of it!

I would expect a partner to share the load when not at work when under 5s are concerned. You’d hope they’d choose the baby but they could cook dinner, clean up, put the washing away and be just as helpful

Honestly, being home means that the majority of the workload will fall to you. For me, my DH drove for a living, so I was the tired one doing night feeds so he could sleep and not crash the van. It wasnt life threatening for me to be tired. It cant be 50 50 when he is working. It's just part of being at home when your partner works full time. When he isnt, like weekends then yes it should be even.

Honestly, being home means that the majority of the workload will fall to you. For me, my DH drove for a living, so I was the tired one doing night feeds so he could sleep and not crash the van. It wasnt life threatening for me to be tired. It cant be 50 50 when they are working. It's just part of being at home when your partner works full time. When they arent, like weekends then yes it should be even.

Realistically, inevitably while on mat leave you do more of the non-baby related tasks. But I think any suggestion that this is absolutely 100% your problem and part of your "job specification" is a problem because looking after the baby is pretty much full time too.

the big question is whether when your partner gets home, are they sitting on the couch while your'e still rushing around getting baby sorted, making meals, finishing laundry? Or is it all done and the two of you are chilling out together. I'm assuming the former. In which case, no, it's not okay.

We have an 11 month old DD. Outside of working hours we have a pretty good system of sharing the load and making sure we both have downtime.

In terms of chores we take turns with most things (he does general bins, I do recycling, kind of thing), but he does all the cooking. DD watches him cook and I will do cleaning bits then, so usually around 30 mins of cleaning or I will take a shower or something. After dinner on a Monday/Wednesday/Friday I get me time until DDs bedtime (approx 8pm) and on a Tuesday and Thursday he gets some time to himself - usually this is about an hour.

He will then get DD ready for bed and then I will take over to breastfeed.

At the weekend we do similar, so morning is always family time then we do any chores that need doing and then the remainder of the time til dinner usually gets split down the middle for free time each. After dinner at a weekend we have more family time before DD's bedtime.

I try and get a lot of chores done in the week as this benefits us both (more free time each or longer family time together). It was key for me to still have time to myself as I work full time from home and look after DD at the same time. I think I'd burn out otherwise!

I think it depends very much on the baby. I did everything in the week when I was on maternity leave but used to do jobs when the baby was awake and then have a rest when they napped. Both mine slept well at night and also had set time at lunch when they would sleep so I used to work round that. Going to supermarket is easy enough with a baby & other stuff like putting on washing isn't that demanding.

I think if you have a baby that doesn't sleep at night and has say colic/reflux then they'll be much more unsettled. So you might need DH to help more.

You could always go back to work if it's easier and then have a 50/50 split of the household chores/baby duties.