Struggling being leaving baby with father (separted)

[LoLo1304]

Me and babies dad spilt when baby was 5 and half months old. Our daughter has now just turned 10 month old. I’ve breastfed her, never been able to express much and baby won’t take a bottle anyway. Although taking solids as well, baby still breastfeeds on demand. So I’ve never ever left her with dad, I take her to see him on a Saturday. He’s recently started asking to take her out of his own for a few hours ONCE a week, he has got into a new relationship already which is why I believe he now wants to start taking her out for a few hours. To cut a long story short if I do say so he is an absolute waste off space never helped or supported me with her, recently gone 3 weeks without seeing or even contacting me about her to see how she is. I won’t go into too much detail but there’s countless reasons why I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with him, simply put I not believe his is a very stable man, let alone a ‘fit parent’ and I can’t trust him with her at all. Baby is very clingy to me, she gets separation anxiety even if I leave the room for five mins. I think as she’s a lockdown baby that’s not never left my side this has made it worse, plus I’ve pretty much raised her on my own. However, please tell me other people struggle to leave there babies?! I just can’t seem to leave her she’s only 10 month old and I have all these issues with babies dad! And plus I just don’t think it is best in her interest as she gets sooo worked up with out me. Ps it is nothing to do with him having a new girlfriend as I’ve only JUST found this out and I’ve never wanted to leave baby. I’m also very content with not being with babies dad it was my choice to leave as he was so awful towards me when baby was here.
Anyway I’ve received a message tonight from his new girlfriend stating ‘I've met him and he has a baby and I accept that, I'm not here to step on anyone's toes and I don't want to get in the way of ... being a dad just wanted you to know that’
Is it just me that feels like she’s trying to cause trouble? I just feel she is trying to get a reaction from me? Plus she’s attempting to insinuate that I haven’t left our daughter because off her?
I also feel she could be pushing babies dad into pressuring me to leave/let him take her out for a few hours.
Babies dad also states he will take me court if I don’t allow him a few hours a week. What baby with separation anxiety from mother is going to get to know their father from 2 hours ONCE a week? Absolutely mental and it scares me, for the sake of my daughter that if he went to court he will be granted this and it won’t be in my daughters best interest and they won’t take any off my reasons why I haven’t left her into consideration!
SO sorry for the long post but need opinions my first baby so never been in a situation like this before! Thanks for reading

I actually think her message is pretty nice. It's weird she messaged you, but she doesn't seem to be looking for trouble.

Tricky situation OP. The new gf doesn't sound like she wants to be the bad person but helpful, so maybe you could meet the two of them and you can discuss / agree terms.

Could you hand baby over after certain times when she's just had food/been fed by you? She will get older very quickly and won't need milk during the day anymore soon. I personally think those 2h a week are better for a child than to have no relationship with their father. If he is taking her out to the park, I am not too sure what can happen. If new gf joins, there is 2 people to look after baby. I understand you have want to protect your child but the father does have a right to see his child unless the court decides otherwise and he does seem like he wants to make an effort.

I hope you're ok

He's her father. She is entitled to a relationship with him. All babies her age get separation anxiety to some degree or another, she's not going to be harmed by being away from you, she just needs to learn to get used to it, like all other babies do! Presumably you'll be going back to work shortly - so the sooner she gets used to being cared for by other adults the better!

Court will definitely say he should be able to take her out for a couple of hours a week, because to be perfectly honest with you, you haven't said anything here to suggest that the baby would actually be unsafe with him.

Is he paying child support? I would continue him having contact with your daughter once a week with you. Why does it need to be out of the house? The fact he didn't contact you for three weeks to see her or ask about her suggests that he has not managed to be consistent in seeing your daughter every week too? Your daughter is the priority. She needs to feel safe and secure to be left with someone else, so I would be keen to make sure he can be consistent in seeing her at a set date and time for a number of months, then review him taking her out. (Just on a practical point, there is nowhere to go at the moment anyway.)

Him taking you to court is a threat that he using to get what he has recently decided that he wanted. A judge would likely rule for contact, which is what you are providing already.

I would suggest that the best way to go forward with the girlfriend is to have only necessary contact. I think it's odd that she contacted you personally.

Yanbu to not be looking forward to baby being with her father.

Yabvu if you stop him from having time alone with his baby.

A court would absolutely award unsupervised contact with his child as nothing you've stated suggests a genuine safeguarding concern. Likewise a court won't care why you left. They only care about baby,unless you're about to say that he is a real risk to yours and her life?

You need to get over this. If this went to court, he'd definitely get awarded a weekend day. Possibly mid week or time both weekend days. And absolutely building to overnights, usually 18 to 24 months, but I have know babies your age to get overnights.

It's time for you get more reasonable.

Of course baby is clingy. It's a developmental phase and how's baby to get the same attachment to her father when you treat her like your possession?

As for the new gf, a perfectly decent message.

@Ohalrightthen @MotherExtraordinaire @cheesebubble @DarcyBlue
thank you for your replies, I’ve only just seen them. There’s different reasons why I don’t like leaving her with him, he looses his temper very quickly, he’s lashed out violently towards me a fair few times and gets stressed soo much. I’m scared that baby will get even more distressed (because I’m not there) by him stressing etc. He has done very irresponsible things with our daughter, for one, when she was 6 months he sat her on his knee and wheeled her round the garden on a motorbike, obviously only steering with one hand as he held her with his other hand! Whilst his father (babies grandad filmed it!) I had only popped to shop and come back to this, I’ll be honest seeing that as a mother definitely doesn’t make me want to leave her with her ‘father’. Not sure if violence towards mother and these irresponsible incidences are taken into consideration. He also doesn’t respect anything I say, like if I say please don’t give her that, for example a salt and vinegar crisp. He’ll go and do it literally cos I’ve said please don’t do that just to spite me and he’ll be nasty towards me if I try to say anything after. I know her sucking a salt and vin crisp isn’t the end off the world but you get my jist!
Plus I cannot stress enough how he hasn’t cared about her at all, never even gone out of his way to make an effort for her or see her, I truly believe if he didn’t care so much about what other people think off him then he wouldn’t want anything to do with her. I literally said to him after he’d not cared to see her, that he can simply walk away he doesn’t need to be in her life as I feel I am forcing it, and his reply was ‘no I can’t do that because what will people think off me’ you just don’t forget things like that being said about your child and certainly doesn’t make me trust that he has good intentions for her. He has literally only decided to care these past 2 weeks, and I’m assuming it has come from his new girlfriend as he is trying to make out to her he is a ‘model dad’ and I’m the bad one etc. I understand one day I will have to leave her with him but giving everything that’s happened I just can not trust him, she’s still only a baby to me 10 months!

@DarcyBlue also yes, he wasn’t paying me anything, so I put in for CSA which started 2 weeks ago. Only a few days after he got the letter from CSA he decided he wanted to be a proper dad....

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Violence and losing his temper is a really important factor in this, although there’s the issue of it being a ‘he said/she said’ situation. Would there be any police reports etc that would back up what you’re saying?

Him being violent towards a partner (in my view, unfortunately) doesn’t necessarily mean he would never get unsupervised contact through the courts, though with such a young child it’s less likely that he would as she is completely defenceless and can’t tell anyone what is happening at contact. Having said this, he would have to make an effort to actually go to court - in my experience someone who doesn’t see or ask about their child for three weeks(!) is unlikely to make the effort, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that threat

Having said that, it’s important that your DD has the chance to have a relationship with her dad, if he’s willing to do so and you can find a way to ensure it is safe. A suggestion that might work for you is arranging a kind of supervised contact - with a friend or family member you both can trust. You could build up to this after a few weeks of him actually seeing his child at the agreed times and not missing contact sessions.

I would also keep notes about when incidents happen, when contact sessions go ahead, when he cancels these etc. This will help you if you are ever in court over contact.

@Dillybear no I don’t have any police reports I never took anything further, no idea why I didn’t. I don’t think this is sufficient enough but I have countless off messages between us where we discuss what his temper etc. I even suggested before baby was here that he go anger management but he told me to F off, I have that on a text too.
I have suggested visitation with my sister for a few weeks but he doesn’t want to do that.
I trust his mother, his mum adores our daughter but he won’t speak to his mum, he has fallen out with her (because she helped me find somewhere to live when I left his house due to his nastiness) apparently she ‘licks my arse’ in his words. He’s just a very nasty person and it is someone I’m scared for my daughter to be around. All this nastiness only come when I told him I found out I was pregnant.