Splitting bills ?

[Lollipops5]

Hey all,

So before I had my daughter me and my partner split all household bills 50/50 as we roughly earned the same. We would each pay for our own cars ect individually as you would expect.

Now I’m back at work and only part time I’m only picking up around £1600 pm. I’m still paying half of the bills which is fine, -£550. My car + insurance + phone bill + petrol + few other silly things - £400pm. My daughter only goes to nursery 2 days pm which is costing £500 pm. My partner agreed from day one we would split the fees but I yet to get a penny off him. All bills paid pm I’m left with £150. By the time I’ve say done a food shop or got a pair of shoes or a little outfit for my daughter I’m in my overdraft and it’s a never ending circle. Last month I told him I sick of never having money to the point last month I personally couldn’t afford a pack of nappies and he said he will start giving me half of the nursery fees £250. But yet again this month nothing. For valentines he went out and brought me pointless shit that I don’t need, a bottle of perfume and some earring! And while I appreciate the thought I would much rather he give me the money so I’m not on my arse every month. But now because he’s brought them I feel like I can’t ask/demand the money the month. Should I ? He works full time and is taking home around £2700 pm.

Thanks

Is going back full time an option? This sounds like financial control and you should seriously consider leaving him.

In the meantime, if you are going into debt to buy food for him, just stop feeding him.

Do you have a joint account? You should be paying all child related expenses (nursery, shoes, food shopping, etc.) out of that. And yes, it's fair to be paying for joint expenses proportionate to your income. So work out on average how much all your joint expenses are, including the irregular things like clothes, shoes, holidays, and then work out based on your incomes how much each of you needs to pay in to cover that plus a little extra for unexpected things.

Also, for nursery, are you using tax free childcare? 500 a month seems like a lot for 2 days per week. Ours is usually 700 ish for 4 full days per week, but usually only about 600 with tax free childcare. That's a separate issue though from the fact that your partner needs to financially pull his weight.

You were me of 18 years ago. Sit him down and ask him to set up a standing order to you for the £250 each month, or consider setting up a joint account. Joint account would be to cover ALL household, food and nursery bills, into which both of your salaries are paid but out of which you each draw a set amount each month for your personal use.

My then-H didn't like either option so I struggled each month with literally not a penny to my name. I could only work part time to cover school hours and holidays but he was able to work FT and carved out a nice little career for himself. I ended up £7k in debt on a credit card due to having to buy food shopping, household stuff and kids' clothes and shoes. I was in an endless cycle of my wages disappearing instantly on nursery fees, petrol costs to get to work, and monthly payments on the CC. He bought himself a new car and whinged that he was skint if he only had £100 left at the end of the month. Our kids grew up with never having days out etc as he was the one with the money but always working whereas I was the one at home with 3 fed up children and not even enough money for an ice cream each.

Don't be like me, sort your finances so you pay fairly and equally. It really does make all the difference in the years ahead.

Why isn’t he paying the nursery fees?
How do you lay your bills if split 50/50- if a joint acc why don’t the nursery fees come out of that?

Stop paying for half the other bills as of now?

You each need equal money after paying for costs. This will mean him paying more as you are looking after DC enabling him to work.

Do you work part time to cover childcare on the other days? In that case he should be covering the full cost of nursery plus a bit more surely? He’s equally responsible for her care.

@BunnyRuddington
If I go back to work full time my child care fees go up to £1100pm. I work nearly 40 miles from work so I’m doing an 80 mile round trip my petrol does up by £130pm. Although I’m complaining I would rather be broke and see my child if that makes sense. I don’t want to look back in 10 years and regret not being with her. We both agreed to me going back part time and that’s the life we budget for. I feel like its my daughter who would be loosing out because of her fathers ignorance.

@mindutopia
We do have tax free child care. Nursery is £75 a day £600 a month so I roughly get £100 off x
And we do also have a joint account. But he don’t put his share of the fees in for me to take if that makes sense x also that is the going rate for nursery’s near me that meet my needs and changing they days she goes each week due to me doing shifts ect. X

Tbh this is all wrong. Why have you not insisted he pays his fair share already?

The children’s expenses should be shared. You should not be paying an equal share of bills as you are taking the career hit. He is being completely and utterly disrespectful and selfiah. And i actually dont care if he is nice 85% of the time. He is being a shit partner and father right now. And ffs you're not married. What have you been thinking?!

You sit down together with all the incomings and all the outgoings. You work out what needs to be paid, then add on that food, activities, nimursery child expenses, clothing etc and then savings then you work out what is left and it is spilt.

In the current situation it sounds like you would be better off financially if you split up. (I'm not suggesting that).

You need to sit him down and tell him that the financial relationship is unfair and that you need a new arrangement which takes account of your shared parental responsibilities.

Set up a joint account. It's to pay all household bills, child related costs (including Xmas, birthdays, trips out) and any other shared expenditure.

You could pay into it proportionally according to income in which case you would be paying about 35% of the costs and him 65%.

Or you could arrange it so that you both pay all earnings in and take equal "personal money" out. Eg you both get £300 to spend on what you want as all essentials are covered by the central pot.

Controversial, but how about you only pay the nursery your half and provide his email address for any payment reminders and his phone number. He doesn't owe you it-he owes the nursery it for taking care of his daughter.

I have to be honest OP it doesn't sound like a fair or balanced set up. Or a man who is supporting his fabulous working partner and daughter.

You shouldn't be paying half of all costs now you are on a reduced wage. It should be done on percentage earnings.

Sit down with your partner and work out finances fairly. I earn more than my DH and he also works part-time so I pay in 3/5 and he pays 2/5 of the monthly bill costs.
Most definitely get at least half of the nursery fees it's not fair for you to be paying all of that on your own your jointly responsible.

@cookiedoughsweetiepie

Controversial, but how about you only pay the nursery your half and provide his email address for any payment reminders and his phone number. He doesn't owe you it-he owes the nursery it for taking care of his daughter.

I have to be honest OP it doesn't sound like a fair or balanced set up. Or a man who is supporting his fabulous working partner and daughter.

I once tried that with my ex and school uniform. He said he would pay half. I got the uniform, paid half and had it out to one side at the school uniform shop, as it the common practice. He didn't go and pay for it.

Just stop paying half of the bills (£550). Keep on paying for your car, phone, insurance etc. (£400) and the nursery (£500).
If your partner asks why you haven't been paying your share of the bills, simply state that you no longer earn as much as you did before and so after paying for the nursery, you have no money left.

As a family, you need to put all of the money in one pot, and then make sure all the bills are covered. You then agree how much you are putting aside for savings - both emergency, short term, long term, even pensions etc. Then you see what is left for treats - some for the family, and equal money for each of you to have, as "spending money".

If you, as a couple, agreed that it works best for your family for one parent to work PT, then the other parent is obviously benfiting from that and that has to be reflected in the finances.

You are in a very vulnerable position as you are not married. Stop paying the bills. He is financially abusing you. The 50/50 should have stopped when you agreed to decrease your earning to provide childcare. But you have to stop the feeling guilty about money. He is not pulling his weight, knows it and knows you feel guilty. This is just not on.

OP, you absolutely MUST demand the money from him for the nursery costs. What is more, you are not working to look after your child and save both of you the cost of nursery. So he should also be covering some of your loss of income from not working to look after DD. You could work out what 5 days a week is at nursery and he pays half of that and of course half of all the other bills. He might think that being at home looking after her is you having a 'day off' but he is wrong, it is hard work looking after a child on your own all day, and you are saving the cost of nursery.

It sounds like he has got used to things being this way and perhaps has got it in his mind that you are responsible for childcare and that means nursery bills. However, this is completely unfair. It might take a serious discussion and possibly some arguments but please stand your ground. Buying you a nice valentines gift has nothing to do with it. He has to pay for his child's care as much as you.

Wow, this is really bad.

How much are you putting into the joint account and what other bills are paid from it?

If the other bills come out of it just put less in and tell him it's going to go overdrawn and mortgage/rent not paid etc as he needs to be contributing X amount because you can't contribute as much as him anymore because you don't earn as much now because you are looking after his child to enable him to work!!!

I was recently in the same situation, but told my husband and we sat down and altered our finances.

We have a standing order each that goes in to our joint account each month, the amount I pay covers food and nursery and the amount my husband pays covers everything else.

Have you spoken to him since reading these posts @Lollipops5?

We used to split 50:50 before kids because we both earned basically the same amount. Had one of us earned significantly more, then we would have adjusted it proportionally.

We have a shared account for all household and childcare bills. I went back 4 days a week so we adjusted the bill proportionally to account for that and DH increased what he put in. We’ve managed to find a balance to we both have a similar amount of personal disposable income left for the month that we can spend as we wish and we discuss any unexpected extra costs which go on the shared credit card (paid off in full each month). Your set up doesn’t sound fair at all.

Surely you both pay half based on salary?

If you earn £1500 - £750 per month into joint
He earns £2700 - £1650 per month into joint

If between you the bills and essentials are more than £1400 then you both need to pay 60/70% into joint.

Was thus in the Daily Fail today?