My 2 year old and autistic partner - help

[LunaMoonKitty]

So my partner has almost certainly got some sort of undiagnosed ASD. He's very high functioning but one of the major problems is is sensory overload. He's always been sensitive to loud noises and especially high pitched ones.

But now we have a toddler who chooses whining over words(she's been referred to speech therapy) and it's getting too much for him.

She whines and cries and it gets too much for him and he shouts at her to shut up. Meanwhile i'm stuck in the middle trying to settle a child who's whining for something I don't know what and crying because she's just been shouted at.

I need help. He needs help. He's stubborn and believes it's too late for him to get any help that adults don't get help with ASD(and no matter what I say he doesn't believe me)

Does anyone have experience dealing with this kinda thing or know where I can go/what I can do to make home life a little less... Loud...

I'm not one for jumping to LTB but if he can't cope with parenting and refuses to seek any kind of support and would prefer just to wreck his relationship with both you and DD...

Industrial ear defenders for DH while DD is going through this phase. £20 on Amazon. They block out everything up to 120 decibels, including pneumatic road drills.
That will take the pressure off while you work on a long term solution.

The partner needs to work on a solution. Not the OP.

He needs to take responsibility, his behaviour is appalling

There might not be much in the way of free targeted ASD support for adults on the NHS, but that doesn't mean he can't get some help with strategies to regulate himself and deal with his sensory overload. I think he's being a bit overly negative and sceptical to just throw his hands up and say there's no solution and it's too late. Too late for what? To ever have a good, stable, happy life? That's just really dramatic!

He could try the NAS website to start with, there are tons of resources on there - www.autism.org.uk. As an adult - particularly if he's high-functioning ASD - he can definitely do his own research and try to think of strategies that might help him.

He could also try some counselling/ therapy, perhaps with a therapist who knows something about ASD. Just because he has autism doesn't mean that the general solutions and approaches most adults use to help with their problems don't apply to him. Mindfulness, emotional regulation, talking therapies - these are all things that could help him deal when he's finding things difficult.

Hi, I have N/C for this.

I am an ASD parent and parent of an ASD child, birthing parent.

Your partner should NOT be shouting and I do not condone any wrong behaviours.

I am not commenting on behaviour but on the actual problem with noise that children/babies can make that is pretty incessant in nature.

My own experience with a ASD infant that never stopped crying then talking, and my own sensory overload caused actual physical and mental pain. It was hugely difficult time of my life. My second child, non ASD never cried, hardly and the experience was totally different and manageable.

Your husband does need help, he needs help to know the issue is with him and not the DC, he needs to equip himself with the means to avoid overload, and to seek time to self regulate.

It will be extremely difficult for your family if this is the case, and you all need help and support. Seek support your self.

Best wishes.

If sounds really tough, OP. Toddlers can be very draining at the best of times! The ear defenders are a good practical suggestion. In the meantime, your partner must take steps to manage this. His intolerance may not be his fault, but it certainly isn't DD's, and he can take action whereas DD can't.

By all means support your partner to get the help required but if he won't, your daughter comes first. You must not allow him to bully her, however unintentional it may be. Hope things improve soon for you all.

I have asd and also have sensory issues with noise. However, I learned coping strategies when mine were younger rather than shout and tell them to shut up. Walk away for a minute or 2 being the main one.

As for getting a diagnosis, I got mine last year aged 50 and it's been a revelation for me and a huge weight off my shoulders asd I now know there's a very good reason why I struggle with some things. It's enabled me to ask for support in every aspect of my life.

Iggly, when I said “you”, I meant it in the plural! OP and her partner need to work together to sort the situation out.
I am autistic myself, as is my elder DD, and we both get extremely stressed by loud noise. I bought ear defenders when my street had roadworks right outside my house for two weeks, and found them absolutely sanity preserving.