Conflicting advice from healthcare professionals...so confused

[Jellybean9321]

I am a ftm with a newborn and everything I keep getting told seems to conflict with each other. The lactation consultant, multiple midwives, health visitor, other hospital doctors and ambulance staff have all said contradictory things re feeding/bottles/dummies/formula, bouncy chairs, where and how they should sleep, whats safe and not, advice re pumping and nipple shields etc. Some say do not do xyz because it will harm your child, but others actively tell you to do it. As a ftm I dont have the experience of another child so follow what they say as I just want to do whats best for my baby and me but then get scolded for it by another person. It feels like they think i’m a terrible parent for doing things i’ve been told to do and so i’ve started just not telling people what i’m doing as they get aggy, but i dont like feeling like im hiding things (e.g using nipple shields, pumps, bottles etc). Does anyone else have this problem? With all my crazy hormones and my natural overthinking brain it’s eating away at me and I just want them all to leave us to it and just be there if we need help rather than keep visiting and calling asking what we’re doing.

Congratulations on your baby.

Yes this was a huge problem for me with first baby 2018. With hindsight I think it contributed massively to post natal anxiety. In my mind whatever I did was wrong.

I can only give my personal experience. Somewhere in you is your instinct, mine ended up squashed. If you can read the guidance and understand the dangers and advice you can make an informed decision.

Some of it is important. For example babies should be put down on their back. Even that you will get people who say oh mine slept on their front. That guidance is not something I would ignore. Same goes for car seats, safe sleeping etc.

Sometimes I smile and nod along, other times I ignore, sometimes I don't even answer, depends what it is.

Some of it is a parent thing in general. It happens all the time, best nappies, schools, rules, screen time etc etc.

You make the decision right for you and your baby based on the guidance given. As long as it's not dangerous just carry on.

A sensible lady said to me that it doesn't matter what others did, your baby has never been here before and nobody has raised her before so nobody knows what works best for her.

I've never reached a level of confidence to argue with health professionals so I just tend to ignore and make my decisions. For example I now have dd2, I gave a dummy fairly quick, that was questioned. I knew from first baby she settled better with it, this one likely to be the same. I just carried on.

Whatever you chose someone somewhere will have done differently, that's just life.

It really doesn't help that guidelines change a lot and people don't keep up, also different countries have more up to date stuff at different times so someone might reference new research from Aus/US that isn't official here yet but is the basis of their new advice.

Eg in tho is country its advised baby does all sleep in the same room as you for the first 6 months, in the US it is now 12 months whereas not that long ago I don't thing they even advised 6 months

If you're seeing ambulance staff and hospital doctor's a lot with a newborn it sounds like you have more than the usual newborn stuff going on - that's probably going to exacerbate the over abundance of advice unfortunately.

Is there something specific going on with your baby medically?

Everything you have mentioned are all totally normal things and nothing to think you need to hide or feel guilty about. I would turn it back onto the HCP or whoever, and if anyone starts to scold you say - "I have been given conflicting advice about this from several different HCP now, which isn't helpful. How do you expect a new parent to deal with constantly conflicting information?" Then see what they have to say.

As well as that, I agree with brokengate, what you are being told is guidance and advice, not instructions to be followed to the letter. Do what feels right for you, listen to what the HCPs are saying to you, but then make your own decision. As long as your baby is getting fed appropriately, is gaining weight and is in a safe, loving and stimulating environment then everything else is optional.

Out of interest, what did you get told would harm your baby that another HCP then told you to do??

@SleepingStandingUp

If you're seeing ambulance staff and hospital doctor's a lot with a newborn it sounds like you have more than the usual newborn stuff going on - that's probably going to exacerbate the over abundance of advice unfortunately.

Is there something specific going on with your baby medically?

Sorry I should have clarified. My labour from forst contraction to him coming out was 2 hours and I went into the hospital fully dialated with an official labour time of 50 minutes. They said this could make baby quite mucusy, which it did, and poor thing is now congested and has a viral thing going on apparently. This caused him to choke on my milk when he was guzzling at the breast and he went floppy and we were unable to rouse him so called for an ambulance.

He has put on 2oz at 11 days old so the health visitor and midwives were very happy with how he was progressing.

@AssassinatedBeauty Most is around feeding - in the first few days i was massively sleep deprived as my brain was going at 100 and i had insomnia so got about 2 hours sleep in 3 days. I asked the lactation consultant if we could express bottle feed so my partner could take one feed (as baby cluster feeds so i wasn’t getting any breaks long enough to fall asleep in) so that I could get a solid 3-4 hours sleep. I was told no as its only recommended to express milk if there’s a more medical need to, and no to any bottle until at least 6 weeks. The first midwife said i could use a haaka silicone pump to release my engorged breast from where baby struggled to latch onto it as it made the nipple flat, but never to use electric or manual pumps. The breast feeding specialist in hospital said to hire an electric pump from the hospital. The health visitor said no to any type of pump or device as it bruises the nipple. The breast feeding specialist said to syringe feed baby expressed milk (when he was having latch issues after birth) and showed me how to do it, but another midwife screamed at me when she saw me doing this as she said it could kill my baby from choking as I’m not a hcp, then went on to tip a cup full of expressed milk down his throat saying she wanted to make him sick so he got mucus up, which he was in his sleep a few hours later (I couldn’t sleep at all worrying he was going to choke in his sleep on the sick). All said no bottles, but midwife actually encouraged it saying recent research shows it improves latch if pace fed (which we have found it massively has). She also encouraged nipple shields for my damaged nipples and said to give formula at night to help baby sleep longer. Others are horrified at even the suggestion of formula.

There are other things as well as feeding, but this seems the most controversial topic.

Sounds really confusing @Jellybean9321

The one group of HPs I trusted
Around feeding was the infant feeding team. Do you have one in your area?

The problem is none of the other specialize in BFing and receive very little training. So their advice can be wrong out out of date.

Oh my god what an absolute nightmare of scary things happening and crossed over advice!

For me, the most important thing is to use your common sense, and go with your gut.

Your baby is so tiny that all this feels essential and so high stakes. But it is such small stuff. In two years none of it will matter. NONE! Get the big stuff right (back sleeping, safe pram, safe car seat, etc) and don't sweat the small stuff. When you're cheering your big gangly teenage son on at whatever he turns out to be excellent at, none of the other parents on the sidelines are going to ask you if he ever had a bottle.

And, if you want advice, ask here. We're not HCPs but we are mums, and we can tell you what worked for us and what didnt.

I BF all my children so I’m definitely pro breast feeding, but sometimes when I read a thread I just think give the child bottles !!
In a few years your child will be eating nuggets and chips from McDonalds, so don’t ruin those first precious months worrying about feeding.
If you or baby prefer bottles, if it would make life easier and less stressful, go for it.

I think you’ve been really unlucky with who you’ve come into contact with and got some really odd advice.

I’ve spent way too many hours on here and have three children who were all BF for ages.

I’ve never heard anyone saying not to use a normal breast pump.

Most professionals would say to avoid formula if you can as it will affect your supply.

Be careful with nipple shields as the baby can then struggle without them. Just something to bear in mind.

I think you’ve had some really strange advice from some of your HCPs. The above is definitely ‘the usually given’ advice.

I don’t want to give you more to worry about, just an idea of which advice is the unusual advice.

But breast feeding is so easy, isn't it op?! . That's what they all tell you!!

As with everything in life, there is no or wrong way to raise your baby. There is what works best for you and your baby. But that isn't the same for everyone else. Guidelines change with new studies and political intervention. But do what you think is best and what works for you. If something sounds good, try it. If it sounds terrible, don't. It's all trial and error with babies unfortunately. There is no one size fits all baby manual (despite what some people might tell you!).

Sometimes it is best not to invite comments by discussing things unless you really need to. I made bottles up in advance, weaned at 16 weeks and had them sleep in a different room earlier than six months.

Coming from the perspective of an older child who has encountered a fair amount of HCP....

Does it work for your baby? That's the right advice. In all this barrage of advice one of the most useful resources is your own instinct and your own knowledge/history of your child.

Whenever I meet a HCP, I run though a check list. Do I like this HCP, does there advice fit with what i know to be true about my child/other healthcare professionals I trust. If they have already given me advice, has that advice been useful and applicable. Does what they are saying make logical sense? Can they explain/justify their decisions and proclamations to my satisfaction.

This helps me sort HCP into categories: likeable or not, useful or not. Someone I'm going to get along with, someone who is useful but I'm going to have to grit my teeth around, someone who I'm going to have to work round or get rid of from my sons care.

Healthcare professionals arent uniformally good. They aren't always right. Dont be afraid to disagree, ask them to explain why or tell them "from experience that wont work for my child".

Whenever I meet a HCP, I run though a check list. Do I like this HCP, does there advice fit with what i know to be true about my child/other healthcare professionals I trust. If they have already given me advice, has that advice been useful and applicable. Does what they are saying make logical sense? Can they explain/justify their decisions and proclamations to my satisfaction.
This is good advice
You have to develop a filter because so much is opinion. Do you have any friends you can talk to? I find other Moms you trust are a good filter to run advice through.

Thank you everyone for your advice, that has made me feel loads better. The nice midwife signed us off today and said she was really proud and he was feeding perfectly. She said to ignore the health visitor on feeding and do whats best for us so I feel a lot more positive about everything today.

@SleepingStandingUp None of my close friends have kids yet as they have prioritised marriage/houses etc first, so I don’t really know anyone who has been through it, other than my mum who recently emigrated and so can’t travel to see us at the moment due to covid. I’m the youngest sibling as well so before this i’d never really held a baby, so it’s all brand new! Hence the wanting to be able to rely on advice i’m receiving.