Different parenting styles

[sleepyhead1980]

DH and I have a 4 and 6 year old and I'm really struggling with our different styles of parenting, we are rarely on the same page. I feel like he raises his voice at every little thing (not shouting/screaming just a raised/frantic voice). I'm more of a calm negotiator.

He doesn't often see things from their perspective whereas I always put myself in their shoes. Just as an example they have been a bit more naughty lately but it's clearly because they are stuck at home with us working. I have empathy towards them for that whereas he just sees how inconvenient it is for himself.

He is much more strict than I am - eg if they don't like their dinner I will make a sandwich but he says eat it or nothing else. My son is quite sensitive to smells and textures of food and I can see when he really can't face eating something but my husband prefers to stay strict.

I'm not saying my way is right and his is wrong but we are so different it's becoming difficult to be a united front. I am also exhausted from listening to his raised voice at every little thing. I'm all about positive vibes but there's not a lot of those around at the moment.

Has anyone got any suggestions as to how I can overcome these issues. I have tried talking to my husband but he just says I am "too soft". I genuinely believe he has issues with seeing things from other peoples point of views. I intervene regularly when I feel he is being too hard on them but it just annoys him. It often feels like me and the kids against him if I'm honest.

I think you need to calm talk it through with him without the kids. You need to take some responsibility here though too. I get that the kids are finding it difficult but honestly answer this to yourself are you still giving them secure boundaries so they feel safe. Had your DH ways been like this or is he struggling? Maybe together you could read how to talk so little children listen.

You have my sympathy OP.

I have two children, 6 and 3, and I really feel that my husband is so strict on them sometimes and he thinks I’m too soft.

It’s the only thing we clash over and like you say, sometimes it feels like it’s him versus us three.

He’s a secondary school teacher and he seems to expect far too much of them when it comes to their behaviour and when our little ones play up he seems to think the right approach is to come down on them like he would if he caught one of his 13 year old students smoking behind the bike sheds or something.

It’s a very difficult situation.

@Thatwentbadly

I think you need to calm talk it through with him without the kids. You need to take some responsibility here though too. I get that the kids are finding it difficult but honestly answer this to yourself are you still giving them secure boundaries so they feel safe. Had your DH ways been like this or is he struggling? Maybe together you could read how to talk so little children listen.

It's my personal belief that children feel safe in a loving and calm environment so yes. And they do have boundaries- I just talk to them calmly about why they shouldn't do something (ie they might get hurt) rather than shout about it. Yes he has always been like this. He has always been abrupt with people, it has got him far in his career and it works as a management style but I hate seeing him being like this with our children.

@ThornAmongstRoses

You have my sympathy OP.

I have two children, 6 and 3, and I really feel that my husband is so strict on them sometimes and he thinks I’m too soft.

It’s the only thing we clash over and like you say, sometimes it feels like it’s him versus us three.

He’s a secondary school teacher and he seems to expect far too much of them when it comes to their behaviour and when our little ones play up he seems to think the right approach is to come down on them like he would if he caught one of his 13 year old students smoking behind the bike sheds or something.

It’s a very difficult situation.

It's so hard, sorry to hear you have the same trouble!

I grew up with a dad like that, his default "listen to me" voice was very stern and cross-sounding, even if he wasn't that cross, and as a little girl i used to cry every single time he told me off, which made him absolutely furious, because he thought it was manipulative. My mum was much more the "discuss and distract" type.

To be honest with you, i can say as an adult that it hasn't made the blindest bit of difference to my life or my relationships with either of them. They were both deeply loving and engaged parents, always there for me, supportive and encouraging and so much fun. Dad was just a bit shouty.

Look at the big picture. Apart from when they're crossing his boundaries, is he good with them? Do they enjoy his company? Is he interested in their lives and feelings and experiences? Do they have fun? Is he open and affectionate and available to them?

If so, I'd say don't sweat the parenting stuff. Kids soon learn that mum and dad do things differently and they adapt. I think it's an excellent skill that serves them well in life going forward!

However, if when you look at the big picture he isn't measuring up so well, i think you need to have a serious think about what to do going forward.

Hi op i can completely empathise with your situation i feel the same with my dh and dc. He can be short tempered and impatient with them and causes more arguments between us than anything else. All i can suggest is that you keep trying to talk to him about it at a time when your both calm when the kids aren't around and agree to pick your battles. Im sorry i dont have much advice cos im struggling with this myself too my husband thinks I'm too soft as well just wanted to offer my support, hope you and your husband can work this out. Its not always easy parenting young children at the best of times throw a pandemic into the mix and its bloody hard work. they are lucky to have you, having a parent who can see things through their eyes is such a blessing you sound like a great mum. X

@Shutupyoutart

Hi op i can completely empathise with your situation i feel the same with my dh and dc. He can be short tempered and impatient with them and causes more arguments between us than anything else. All i can suggest is that you keep trying to talk to him about it at a time when your both calm when the kids aren't around and agree to pick your battles. Im sorry i dont have much advice cos im struggling with this myself too my husband thinks I'm too soft as well just wanted to offer my support, hope you and your husband can work this out. Its not always easy parenting young children at the best of times throw a pandemic into the mix and its bloody hard work. they are lucky to have you, having a parent who can see things through their eyes is such a blessing you sound like a great mum. X

Thank you, I appreciate that. I hope this thread can help you too