Calling all parents with 3 or more children

[Adancewithdragons]

We have 2 DC and there’s a part of me that wants a third. Logically it makes no sense as we will need a new car / paying nursery fees even longer. House is big enough and we can afford a 3rd it’s just a feeling I’m not quite done. Definitely don’t want 4! (Hopefully it wouldn’t be twins haha)

The bit I’m struggling is this: coming from a large family myself I never felt like my parents spent that much time with me, very middle child syndrome. I wish my parents could have shown more interest in me. Granted there was other behaviour issues with siblings that took a lot of attention.

Any parents with 3 (or more) children feel like they give each of their children enough attention and any tips on how you do this? Do you do 1:1 time every month?

I have 3 but not a middle child as it's 1+twins so it's perhaps different for me. I do get 1:1 time with them as they each have their own room so I can spend time in their room with them or with 1 in the lounge when the other two are doing things upstairs or out with a friend.

I have 3 and I have time with each of them. I have 2 days a week with my youngest, as my older 2 are in nursery & school. Obviously this was pre covid.
I have a lot of time with my middle child who has SEN. We do a lot of therapy and activities together and he is the most “clingy” and I also have time with him when the youngest naps.
The 2 youngest share a bed time, so I have a couple of hours a night with my eldest when the “babies” to go bed, and we go to her activities together- again, pre covid.
We also have time all together- we all sit in one room after bath time and read together which is lovely, and mine are all very close so enjoy playing together after school while I potter around with dinner. Eldest is my only girl so we also used to have cinema, lunch & coffee “dates” before covid.

I do but not in any formal way, you just sense which one needs you most at the time. Maybe it will become more structured as they get older.

Mine are Home Educated so definitely get enough time with them 😂

I think the fact you're thinking about this now means you wouldn't allow that to happen. I don't think our parents thought about this at all, it was a different time!

It depends on the dynamics. My oldest was so easy, confirmed naturally ,easy going and my second was really hard work. The contrast was stark. The third is in between. I think it really helped in our family to have someone bridging that gap. I found you naturally get bits of 1:1 time as they all had their own interests and needed different input. I found it hard when friends with 2 had finished with the baby stage and then primary school stage etc but I wouldn't change it .

I have 3 - all adults now - and this has just never been an issue.
I've never had any structured timetable or formal way of doing it but it just happens sometimes.

Also will change as they are at different ages and stages.

What are you thinking they need this 1:1 time to do?

@BackforGood just 1:1 time with each child. Maybe a walk / coffee shop together without the others. Just something where I give them undivided attention which is something I never got and in turn made me feel a bit pushed aside / unloved at times. It was always shared and fighting for my parents attention.

I think @pinkpeoniesplease is maybe right. The fact I’m worried about it I will make sure it doesn’t happen. I will always try and make sure my children feel equally supported regardless if we have another child or stick at 2

Yes. I do. I'm a single parent. Whether my kids agree with me when they're adults or not but I really believe I do.

Well, as they get older, they develop their own interests and hobbies, so one of you will naturally end up taking them to and from that, and so time gets carved out through logistics. I like football so I've taken the dc that likes football to that for years. One dc likes climbing and dh has taken them to that. Another has been into musical theatre and been taken to and fro to that.
When they were little, they used to get "chosen" to "co-pilot" one of us (might only be taking something to the tip or going to the supermarket) but it is about making them feel that is the 'important' role and then actually doing something with the others at home and making them think that is the 'exciting' bit of the day.

I think I did overall. However, there were times I look back on and think I missed what was actually going on because I was spread too thinly.

If I knew than what I know now I would stop at two. Having said that I was a much better parent with No. 4 because I was so much more relaxed.

@BackforGood that’s a great tip for small kids I like your co-pilot idea!

I do think if you have 3+ you need to relax your expectations of 1:1 time, activities, outings. I have 4 and do 1:1 when it’s needed or they ask.

(And 2 of mine are twins, so you never know- could jump straight to 4!!)

Not quite what you asked, but I'm the youngest of 3 and I definitely did feel lacking in attention, particularly as a tween/teen. A definite feeling my parents were kind of over it before my time. They wanted the kid stage to be over before I'd really got there, and we really lost connection. I think they thought I was quite difficult, but that was my take on it - I think 3 was too much for them.

@thehairyhog no it’s really insightful! I definitely felt similar, my parents love babies but I’m not sure they love children as much. I always left my youngest sibling got loads of attention being the baby but maybe that wasn’t the case and they were just spread to thin

I love all my children, but I'm very aware that I couldn't shower no3 and no4 with as much attention when they were babies/toddlers/youngsters as the older two enjoyed. On the flip side now older two have recently left home, my two teenagers still living at home are getting far more support and attention that the older two got as teenagers.

I am the middle one of three and I've only just realised from reading this post that I never spent and 1:1 time with my parents! It was either all three of us together, or my dad would take my brother to do things like football while my mum took me and my sister together to do things like shopping (which mostly I don't enjoy). Even now as an adult I live near one of my siblings so if my parents visit they ask us both to be there. Feel a bit sad now reflecting on my lack of 1:1! But in terms of your question, as someone else said, the fact that you're thinking about it means you are prepared to work around it.

Exactly what greenmarmalade says, I think it becomes less about designated time and more about just making sure everyone gets time whether it's one on one games, time up late, one to one stories. The huge thing for us is making sure schoolwork wise they all get help and time and aren't disadvantaged by us in the fact that there's 4 of them. Life wis Pre covid we regularly had one of us go for trips to the cafe and playground with just one and one would go shopping and get a magazine or something. Life Is one big juggle but that's fine because they are our life!

I'm a middle one and my therapist thinks the fact that my younger sibling came along shortly after I was born may have contributed to my insecurities - I didn't get much time to be the baby! I think age gaps play a bigger part in how secure each child feels than the actual number of children.

I also have 3 and try to give them all as much attention as possible, but we've always said that ideally you need one parent to each child! There's just not enough laps and hands to go round with 3 sometimes. Wouldn't change it though.

When did 3 children become a big family ? What do families do when there is one parent and two children? Or two children and one parent is uninvolved. I think you are overthinking this really, I think anything up to 4 is actually a normal family size. I think the issue of the welfare of the planet is more of any issue really.

Ps obviously I know 3 is more than the average family size still not remarkable in my book. Can you afford it financially?

@Sleepingdogs12 I don’t think I said 3/4 was a big family. Although the average is 2.4 so leaning more towards 2 over 3 (just) for most family’s.

It’s more about my person issues / counselling that I’m having and realising a lot stems from my childhood. I would just rather not screw up my children (or try not to screw them up as much)