Pandering to toddler?

[Meredithgrey1]

DD is 20 months, and I was wondering yesterday, at what point do sensible adjustments to avoid a tantrum turn into pandering?

For example, yesterday, she went in the bath in her t shirt because she didn’t want it off. In fairness, she seemed particularly tired after her day at nursery and she did let me take it off after about 5 mins. In my mind I swung between “realistically it doesn’t actually matter if she wears a top in the bath, it’s not hurting anyone” and “ffs get a grip woman, she’s a toddler, you are the parent, she can’t wear clothes in the bath!”

I think I’ve decided I wasn’t really pandering because it was no bother, and, to me, pandering has more of a “bending over backwards” feeling. But she is very bossy and quite tantrum-y, all normal for a toddler I’m sure, but I’m never sure at what point sensible tantrum mitigation becomes unreasonable pandering that will create a monster!

It's a serious balancing act. I have a very stubborn 2 year old. She has been throwing tantrums since before she was 1. I say pick the things that have long term consequences to focus on, so the t shirt in the bath isnt going to cause major problems in 4 months time. If she demands a biscuit, strops on the floor, and then you give her a biscuit, that will teach her that she can demand food by stropping or if she decides she doesnt want to wear clothes and you let her, they are long term problems. I focus on the basics like getting dressed, brushing teeth, not eating a snack every hour, eating whatever dinner is given to her, and not hitting or being mean to her sister (who is 3 months) and basic manners like saying please. I am now cracking down on that irritating screamy noise they make when wanting something, but she is a little older than your girl and can now take being calmly told 'mammy said no, so I mean no'. I also have used the naughty step since about 20 months for the big stuff, like throwing something in a rage. Works well for me.

Mine was also a hideous tantrummer. Everything had to be 'just so' - I spent a lot of time trying to stay one step ahead of things that would set him off, for my own sanity really, but it was exhausting and stressful.

However when he was being totally unreasonable and difficult then I would stand my ground.

Anyway he's now a (mostly) very compliant and good natured child. He's now 6.

I would have allowed a t-shirt in the bath but not breakfast in front of the TV (a pp), that has the makings of a bad habit.

My son went for his nap with a carrot yesterday 🤷‍♀️. Who knows why? He's 2 and illogical. Some battles are worth having and some aren't. When I can see a tantrum brewing I try and distract him. Some hills are worth dying on and there are things I won't budge on but some things I have to let go as we'd bounce from one tantrum to another.