7yo DS - anger problems

[Scarling]

Apologies if this comes out as a garbled mess. I feel like I'm completely failing my seven year old.

He's had problems managing anger for 12-18 months. I think it's triggered by stress, usually around social situations that aren't going his way, or more recently when he struggles with home schooling. He describes it as his brain feeling like it's full of a million thoughts racing through his head. He acts out by shouting, swearing, throwing things and occasionally with physical violence.

His friendships have suffered massively as a result. When he was at school he told me he often spent play time wandering around by himself, which utterly breaks my heart. A teacher has been working with him to help manage his emotions, which was helping however due to covid there isn't any support for him at the moment.

He plays out with a group of boys, his "best friend" of the same age and a few who are two years older. The last few weeks he has been running inside in tears because of things that have happened.. usually little spats but my son is feeling more and more isolated. During play wrestling yesterday (which I've told him not to engage in due to potential issues) he accidentally hurt another boy. Today this boy's mum told my son that he is being mean and she does not want him playing with her son anymore. He has therefore been shunned by the whole group, including his best friend who (I think) just wants the validation of the older group.

DS has been inconsolable tonight. Saying he is a bad person to his core, and he has no friends. I try to apply consistent punishments for his bad behaviour but I find it so hard when he's always so upset about it. The teacher who has been working with him has commented numerous times that it's obvious he knows that what he's doing is wrong, and doesn't want to behave badly but just doesn't have the tools to cope with his emotions.

I feel like a shit mum. Like I'm failing him for not knowing how to deal with this. I have depression, work full time and have 11 month old DS2 who is a terrible sleeper. I spend all the quality time I can with DS1 and he is a bright, gentle soul when he isn't struggling to regulate how he's feeling.

I really need some advice as I have no idea what to do to help him. Please be gentle, I've started writing this post several times over the last few weeks and chickened out.

Thanks

He's struggling so I think you have to adapt more to his capabilities. He isn't ready to be playing out with others without your supervision. He can't regulate and probably can't predict how others are going to behave.
My DC sometimes struggled especially when they were younger. A good routine, clear consequences, dialling back expectations and limiting situations that were unpredictable (like playing with other DCs without supervision/parties/events) all helped. Also, our DC were much more reward-driven than punishment-driven. Punishments just reinforced their negative views of themselves so reward for small positive steps instead.
We also spent a lot of time talking about how our bodies felt with different emotions eg stomach jumping, etc, so they could start to identify their emotions. And as adults we explained the emotions we were having eg I'm tired; I feel grumpy, etc. It normalises emotions.
Identify happy songs; happy dances; happy activities - so you can steer towards them but be open that you're doing that eg 'let's sing your happy song that you picked; let's colour-in because it helps us to feel calm, etc'
When you're in the thick of it, it can seem never-ending but it will pass Shower him with love, and be gentle to yourself too.

But the volcano in my tummy book and go through it with him - lots of activities to do and thoughts to process

Thank you so much for the advice. I think you're right that he isn't ready to be playing out unsupervised. He looks longingly out of the window when he sees his peers out but I think I need to stand firm and say no when he constantly asks.

He's read "there's a volcano in my tummy" at school but I'll get a copy for home too.

You could have a look at 'My Hidden Chimp' which is a children's version of The Chimp Paradox, and is very well written to work through with children. It's visually quite engaging- like an activity book- and helps with coping strategies etc.

@TartanPyjamas thanks, I've just ordered a copy. I read the Chimp Paradox a few years ago.. I think the concept of the chimp brain is one he could get behind.

"The explosive child" would be a good book for you to have a look at.
You aren't failing as a parent, you have some difficult challenges that you leaning into right now.

You certainly aren't the only mum with a dc who struggles to regulate their emotions, it doesn't make you or him failures.

It’s worth getting a copy so you can back up the language and terms they use at home.

Gives consistency.

I’m not saying you don’t support - it’s just targeted support being on the same page

Sounds like my dd 8 she has suspected ASD and gets very angry if anything goes wrong within her friendship groups, she facetimes a lot and On Sunday night she was very angry and lashing out at me kicking etc, I kept asking her what was wrong and she kept saying nothing, I finally got it out of her that she had been involved in a spat on FaceTime with a couple of school friends who had called her a baby! Again I feel like like I've failed her as a mum.

It sounds like your DS might have some additional needs; has his teacher mentioned that he gets emotional in school?

DS1 (8) has ASD and ADHD, which often manifests as frustration and anger. He's just started on medication and is transformed.

@MoodyMarshall would you mind telling me the medication ?

@lollipoprainbow

DS has started taking Methylphenidate (Ritalin) due to a recent ADHD diagnosis. The change in his focus, mood and work has been nothing short of miraculous, I would urge people to look into ADHD if they think it might be a possibility.

My son really struggled regulating his emotions around that age too. Though only with family and not with friends. I found the book ‘Saying No’ by Asha Philips really useful. It is written by a child psychotherapist.

I've wondered about whether there are additional needs at play. I asked school and they said they had no concerns in that respect but I'll re-raise it.

Thanks for all the support and book suggestions. Big Amazon order has been made

I didn't want to put this in sooner but my ds has ADHD and struggles to regulate his emotions.
We don't use medication at present but he has had a year with a therapist which has helped him tremendously.
He is learning to recognize his emotions and has developed self calming strategies.

School said there was no issue and ds wasn't an extreme hyperactive case. (It came to light when looking at a handwriting issue that wasn't resolving.)

Sometimes ADHD is seen as just bouncing around a lot, but angry outbursts, struggling with peer relationships, struggling to focus on work, anxiety and feeling low can all be part of it.