Toddler and newborn... what am I doing wrong?!

[Mamanua]

I gave birth 7 weeks ago and with lockdown, Christmas and new year it has felt like such a long time ago already. Since then I’ve reduced my toddler’s nursery from full time to 2 half days. So far baby hasn’t been a bother and all things considered, we are coping well with the baby who is doing fine. Toddler is besotted with sibling and so loving, it really is a joy to see. But in the past few weeks it feels like everything has gotten so much more intense. It’s not so much I’ve both of them now during the day, it’s certain things that I am struggling with. Firstly the mealtimes are a complete battle and have been for some time but I am at my wits end with it. Apparently toddler eats great in nursery but lunchtimes and dinner are an absolute nightmare for me. As soon as lunch or dinner is mentioned it’s ‘I don’t want lunch/dinner’, refuses to eat, needs coaxed and fed by myself or DH. There have been a few times recently I’ve been breastfeeding baby, trying to feed toddler and eat my own dinner. Dinner has always been difficult but with the newborn it just seems to be so much worse and I am totally at a loss as to what to do. I feel like a complete failure in that I didn’t wean properly. I just so wish he would eat something normal for me like an egg or sausage but I can only do the likes of soups, fish fingers, waffles, rice, pasta etc. Better than nothing I know ... he doesn’t go asking or looking for food unless it’s chocolate or a treat!!
The mealtime battle is at least a familiar beast though but in the last couple of weeks bedtime has went to absolute sh**. This combined by the dinner antics has me despairing. In summary toddler has always had a solid routine of bath, stories, a song maybe. Before baby arrived he was content for all of this and to be put into cot awake but usually had dozed off. Overall since toddler was a baby has been a good sleeper with usual phases and blips. Night waking was common at times and he did used to come into our bed. Anyway - a few things like new baby, toilet training and change in routine has happened recently and I appreciate this but lost for what to do. He now gets into a convulsion when placed in cot and we’ve resorted to sleeping with him in spare bed to get him over. It means bedtimes have dragged on majorly and also means whatever parent gets a break from baby night feeds is now with the toddler!! I’m not sure if anyone has any advice or experience of this- maybe even some solidarity would help as I feel like literally nothing is in my control these days. He’s the most wonderful boy but the recent change with bedtime, mealtime battles and general tantrums has been challenging and I feel so guilty the baby doesn’t get as much attention as I’d like.
I feel like lockdown makes no difference in that I’d never realistically get out at all anyway!
Would new bedroom and single bed bring on a difference?
I just feel its tough enough with restrictions/feeding baby/keeping up with house. The whole day feels so much longer and very little is left of it to even contemplate some self care!

Sorry for the rant - would appreciate any advice/ solutions. Even a ‘me too’ would maybe help me just accept it all!

How old is your toddler OP?

The line which really stuck out to me in your post was “it feels like nothing is in my control these days” as this is how your toddler is prob all feeling too.

For meal times try to serve food with something on the plate he likes. If he doesn’t want to eat a meal then don’t make a big thing of it.

Can you increase time in nursery so he gets out more (with baby, winter and lockdown it’s not easy to get out).

As long as the baby is feed and cuddle or chucked in the sling then they will be fine. It’s your toddler who need more attention at this time.

I promise it gets better. I remember DD1 waking up hysterical and only wanting when I was feeding DD2. I was sat on the sofa at 3 in morning feeding the baby watching the Bee movie with DD1 until the baby went to sleep and I could give her to DH and take DD2 to bed. It literally felt like minutes late DH was waking me up saying the baby needed feeding again. It’s fucking hard but you will get through it.

Sounds like you are managing as best as you can. Why did you reduce toddlers nursery time? I’d put it back up if you can afford it. The food sounds fine, why is soup or fish fingers or pasta any less “normal” than egg or sausage? Pick your battles, as long as he is eating a reasonable variety then just let him eat what he wants, offer other things that you’re having too but don’t make a big deal if he won’t eat it. It’s a phase, it will pass.
No advice about sleep I’m afraid as I will probably be in the same boat with mine very soon!

He is 2.5 years old @Katjolo!

Thanks @Thatwentbadly - you are totally right with how he must be feeling. He also has fantastic speech with a strong will so has always expressed any negativity very well lol. Sounds like you had it tough too and thank you for sharing! It’s like I know it could all be soooo much worse but still as you said, it’s f’in hard. I know it’s rich expecting any sort of time to ourselves but it’s still tough and I have the vicious cycle thought process of feeling resentful then wondering why I can’t just accept reality!! Parenthood eh?

We had 16 months between ours and tbh just had to roll with this stage. OH took the toddler every night and I had the newborn. It was easier that way as you could plan you night to some extent. Like yours he had always slet well before and it went to shit when the baby came home. Could you try lying dowa as a family, you feed the baby and OH read a story to you all, and see if you can reset the bedtime routine?

Meals were quite snacky for a while, and a lot of basic things. We were lucky that out toddlers was (is) a hungry kid, but we didn't really anounce or discuss meals, they just happened. Everyone eats what they want and we clear up. 'Baby' was a fussy eater but we just carried on with that appraoch and she is better now (6) but doesn't eat loads.

Thanks @Rockettrain I guess I am giving those as examples as they are usually what he would tend to accept and anything else doesn’t really fly. So I suppose to me I feel like he gets little variety but I do know some children out there are incredibly fussy. Maybe my expectations are way off! I def intend to reduce ‘treats’ in between meals as well. Doesn’t happen all the time but I think he’s gotten used to getting more treats ever since lockdown 1.0!

Yep I’d really try to limit treats. Especially if he’s having any chocolate, make sure you don’t give him any after maybe 3pm as the caffeine may have an effect on his sleep.
If my DD has anything to eat after about 3.30 then she just dicks about at dinner - she has to be hungry for her to actually eat. Same with lunch, she can graze on fruit and crackers etc until 9.45 but I don’t let her eat after that until lunch because otherwise she doesn’t eat a decent meal and would just live on rice cakes and chocolate buttons if I let her

25m old toddler and 7m old baby here. Asked DP today, how the f* have we survived the past 7m with the 2? It is intense, and today I've been lucky to have had an hour all in to myself so totally get your comment about self care.

My toddler slept great until around November when he wouldn't go down in his bed by himself. He used to go in at 7pm and self settle. Now, if he isn't sleepy enough when put in bed he causes chaos hanging over bars trying to reach unit next to bed etc.. I've started routine now of reading a favourite book together on couch then holding him and singing to him till he's sleepy before putting him to bed. Tonight it was 7pm, last night was 9pm. It's a tough phase, especially as my 7m old rarely sleeps longer than 2h at a time at night.

Thanks @Rockettrain- I’ll def give that a go. Perhaps in trying to do what I think is best I haven’t accepted he is maybe just a grazer - I know nursery generally offers them all good every 2 hours so maybe small and often is the way forward!

Thanks @Sprintfinish- you are right, it is so intense and you do wonder how you manage 🙈 it’s so hard to accept sometimes when you get thrown a curveball isn’t it! He gets a few stories and I sometimes feed baby in bed whilst these are being read by DH but I also found that can cause a bit of a thing too - like
I want mummy when I leave then maybe followed by I don’t want mummy, all very normal toddler behaviour I know but just difficult to know what to do sometimes. Even when I do bedtime for a change he has still been doing the same convulsions in the last two weeks so don’t think it’s exclusive to me or DH. I also think he has grown majorly since baby born and i used to give a little nurse and song as you do.
Now it’s just too hard with the size of him and how he just goes crazy as soon as he’s put down! Hope your 7 month olds sleep gets better soon- the broken sleep is brutal. My baby can stretch maybe 3-5 hours a night but it’s very unpredictable so depending on any time after the night feed he goes back over I just see what sleep I can get until the toddler / husband wakes!

I remember those days well.. 22 months between my oldest two .. I honestly do not know how we all came through it alive!!

Sleep deprivation plus the hateful new born development leaps coupled with toddler leaps .. Sheeeeeeeeesh!!!!!!!!!

I think DS2 was about 4 months old when I just threw the towel in on trying to have any sort of expectations beyond getting everyone dressed before 10am, 3 meals a day with one of them having some fruit or veg involved and at least 10 minutes outside (garden counted).

If DS1 fell asleep with me in my bed while I cluster fed DS2 who cares. If he was still up and snuggling on the sofa with his blanket at 9pm while I cluster fed .. Who cares. If he ate tomato pasta 3 days in a row.. Who cares!!

Once I relaxed into it and accepted life was going to be a bit bonkers for a while we all were immediately happier.

Following two babies have age gaps of 4 and 5 years for good reason and those experiences were much more enjoyable .. Ds4 is 9mo now and other than night feeds there has been very little disruption to our lives.

Been there done that and survived it! It's fairly normal and it will pass.
At 2.5 I would give him food - always try to have a bit he likes and not make a fuss if he doesnt eat. Hes certainly getting you attention by acting as he is- try to give attention in another way instead. Hes not a baby he will tell you if hungry and he will eat, sounds like hes attention seeking and nothing to do with food if he eats at nursery.

Sleep- mine were shocking so not even going to try to give some wise advice, just to say I've lay on the bed with my toddler whilst bf the baby thinking wtf but they're 5 and 7 now and we all got through it! Be kind to yourself this is the toughest year, do whatever you can to get through it. Mine have a slightly smaller gap than yours but we put eldest in a bed before baby born as she was 2 so she knew she wasnt a baby in a cot like actual baby.

Good luck, remember it's normal, lower expectations for a few years 😊

@Mamanua

He is 2.5 years old *@Katjolo*!

Thanks @Thatwentbadly - you are totally right with how he must be feeling. He also has fantastic speech with a strong will so has always expressed any negativity very well lol. Sounds like you had it tough too and thank you for sharing! It’s like I know it could all be soooo much worse but still as you said, it’s f’in hard. I know it’s rich expecting any sort of time to ourselves but it’s still tough and I have the vicious cycle thought process of feeling resentful then wondering why I can’t just accept reality!! Parenthood eh?

It definitely gets easier. Your old one will settle into the new pattern and your baby will get easier. The first few months are the longest fastest time in the world. Now mine are 4.5yrs and 1.5yrs and they play together while I’m cooking for just hiding in the kitchen on MN.