Are all kids like this?

[HolidayThisYear]

Seven year old ds is so incredibly hard work. Are all kids and I just need to suck it up?

The main issue is that he is relentless. He needs entertaining ALL the time. He doesn't read (he can read but doesn't), do puzzles or games, colour, paint, craft etc, not into computers particularly or gaming, doesn't play with toys, can't entertain himself at all, indoors or outdoors. He just stands in the kitchen asking questions (things like 'which is the biggest country? How old will you be when I'm 78) Questions that I don't think he's interested in as such, just wants my attention. He kicks his football against the back of the sofa repeatedly and just winds me up.

If he does get into a game it's more the idea of the game he likes. So he'll spend ages getting everything he owns into a pile for a 'hideout' but then doesn't know what to do once he's done it. He can't lose himself in anything.

He was into Lego for a while. He had lots of big sets for his birthday and Christmas but now they're built he's not interested. He suggested we sell them. There is still one set not even finished despite it being his obsession. He doesn't really create using the random Lego box.

If we get paints out he'll do something using one colour, basically a scribble then stop. Baking, he just wants to do the egg then leaves. He is never satisfied. Always wanting the next thing.

I wonder if it's because he was always stimulated as a baby at nursery so not used to ever being bored? Even as a baby I have needed to take him out and about. I used to walk miles as staying in with him was impossible and he never, ever napped or slept.

He is still a difficult sleeper and is wet at night.

When not in lockdown I manage it by being really busy - local attraction, swimming, climbing, bike rides, beach etc. Even then he doesn't know how to play so I need to direct a lot if we're not with friends. He'll play games if we play with him but can't do anything alone. He plays with his brother a bit but it usually ends up in fights as he's very controlling in how things should be done....

His school reports are fine so I don't think it's an attention deficit disorder.

I dread time at home with him. I feel sick about half term coming up (I'm kw and he's in school) and how tough the week will be. He is also quite destructive, moving around the house like a whirlwind getting everything out but not actually using it or playing with it.

His brother is not like this.

Help! Im really struggling 😳 I can't give him what he needs. I need time to do the house, cook, food shop, relax maybe?! I just can't meet his demands!

Can anyone relate to this? Sorry it's so long. Thank you for reading.

It sounds like you keep him so busy normally he hasn't learnt to be bored and entertain himself.

He is 7, he's not a baby just tell him he has to play on his own for an hour or whatever, and crack on with what you need to do. If he is bored then he is bored, sounds like he has plenty to play with.

My friends kids are like thisx but that is because they played with them 24/7, lways doing things, never had days in feont of rv etc. Its unlikely to be nursery as nursery has times throughout the day for free play and imaginative play where kids learn how to entertain themselves

At 7, with no SEN, he should understand that he needs to entertain himself sometimes. He doesn't do it because he's never had to. Spell it out to him, set a timer, tell him to go and play by himself for at least the amount of time on the buzzer. Doesn't matter how bored he gets, he can't come back til the buzzer goes. Then when his time is up, spend quality time with him for a bit.

Oh gosh my son is like this! He’s just turned 8.
Great reader but won’t read! He also stands and just asks me questions and won’t just go and play like his brother does.

It’s a bit weird but I cope by setting him timers. For some reason that works. ‘I would like you to read your book for 30 minutes’
‘Please go and play with Lego for 45 minutes whilst I cook tea’

Having the timer works for him he’s got one on his watch.

As little screen time as possible as he finds it harder to entertain himself when the screens go off if he’s had a lot of time on the iPad or whatever.

When I want him to go and play independently I have to repeat myself over and over. Now is not the time for questions please go and choose something to do. Some days this can take up to half an hour for him to get the message that I’m not entertaining him but it works eventually.

@Lazypuppy I wouldn't say I've played with him much! I just can't stand being in the house for long with him. So we've always gone out for a morning or an afternoon to make the time go more quickly for me.

His brother has the exact same experience and he can play brilliantly.

@Ohalrightthen & @Mol1628 thank you, the timer is a good idea! We do use a timer for bedtime as getting him up the stairs and settled was taking over an hour. The timer has helped that a lot.

Last lockdown I had a little schedule drawn up where we had 'mum time', tv time, 'independent play' etc. Maybe need to go back to that. It's fucking draining that's for sure.

I think he actually is wanting a connection, but he's so needy and demanding it pushes me away so has the opposite effect. I'm no doubt messing him up but sometimes I just can't stand another question or to hear 'mum' 😩

How old is his brother?

Can he build friendships with peers? When he is out with you and other families does he gravitate towards peers or adults?

My sister was like this and she was always trying to be a grown up. Wrecked my mother's head because she never got a minute

Children do need to learn to entertain themselves. He has missed this lesson somehow!

Never too late to learn though! Just have set times for sitting with him and doing things - ah I see others have suggested this too; and the rest of the time just say you are busy. I know it is hard, but one of the big lessons that children need to get a grip on is that they are not the centre of family life; they are just one part of it.

Soon enough he will be a spotty teenager and he will avoid you like the plague!

He sounds very sociable. It's a general strength in life but not right now.

Half term & weekends: Could you get him out for 2 hour walks each day?

My suggestion would be make sure you have a decent length of time each day to connect- I mean suck it up and do what he wants. No screens for you or distractions. Id say 30 mins or so?

Having an activity you lead is nice too- maybe try to renew his interest in lego with his brother alongside? Ask them to build a bridge something heavy can cross etc etc

Then quite frankly you tell him he needs to find something to do- I honestly understand how hard it is. I have an only child and sometimes I feel my ears may bleed. She is younger, so i spend probably 3 hours a day playing with her (doesn't sound much, but with a daily walk/scoot, meals, bath time etc its plenty!)

I don't have a solution but wanted to offer solidarity. My 8 year old DD is similar - can't play on her own without a lot of arguing from her and persistence from me. She definitely gets too much screen time because it's the only time I get any peace. She will play with her younger brother but that never lasts very long.

@HolidayThisYear your comment about wanting a connection resonates. The problem I have there is I do feel like I and DH spend time with her but it doesn't ever seem enough. Which leaves me with both guilt and frustration. How much more should I be giving or is it reasonable to not want to be constantly 'connected'?

So as I said, no solution but I feel your frustration.

Argggh, my 5 year old is just like this! And I've a 2 year old as well so I can't split myself in half and deal with both of them at once. 5 yr old is getting bossy and aggressive though and I'm struggling.

I've got no advice, just commenting in solidarity!

He's asking for a connection.

Set a timer and do a set time of play with him - say yes to everything. We call it 'special time' and let him lead the play completely. Then when the time is up that's the end. Expect a tantrum as he'll be very disappointed but that'll get all his big feelings out, and after that he should be more settled. Good luck!

Sounds exactly like my 6 year old

His brother is 4.5 (in Reception) and he can go off into a world of play with just a crappy kinder egg toy 😁

Yes, 7 year old is very sociable. He is good with friends, likes sports etc and does play with friends but is very much the follower in games with he friends.

Lots of really good suggestions. I will focus on spending dedicated focused time with him and set limits / expectations for the rest of the time.

@Madamswearsalot yes I feel with him I could never give him enough. For example, today DH spend an hour playing a word game with him this morning, we went for a good walk with mud and river paddling and I still had to argue with him to PLEASE go and watch some tv or something for a bit when we got back so I could make lunch / hear myself think. We baked biscuits after lunch together and I set up a car track that they wanted to play, which lasted 5 mins before the nagging / pestering started. I want to run away a scream 😩

When lock down is over I'll be dropping him straight over to the grandparents!!

@HolidayThisYear

Do you think he feels insecure? With the bed wetting and always looking for your attention. If you plan something nice for you and him only does that work at all?

I'm glad to hear he has normal relationships at school. Strange he is a follower at school but controlling of his brother.

Are you absolutely sure there is no SEN? My eldest was like this and he has recently been diagnosed with ADHD aged 10. It could be worth talking to his teacher if that's possible. Just to rule it out if nothing else.

I also have a DS7, who is just like this. He has never been able to entertain himself. I have DD’s 9 and 11 who are able to go off and play, and I feel it’s very much part of his personality rather than attributed to his upbringing. It’s so much worse in lockdown because there are no activities, play dates, trips out etc which normally fill a big chunk of the day. PP’s idea of a timer is great, and worth giving a go. I think I’ll try that too. Another idea that we did in the first lockdown was print and cut out on little slips of paper of 100 different activities that you can do at home/in the garden. We put them in a hat and the DC would draw one out whenever they were bored (which was often!) It was surprisingly successful at keeping them entertained. There were lots of random and fun things on them. I’ll see if I can find a link to the website. We also do zoom cooking and art sessions with grandparents, which also work well and may buy you an hour of free time. Good luck!

Don't blame yourself! It sounds like you are parenting the child you have, not that he is like that because of your parenting.

I would do as you have before and use a visual timetable. PP suggesting a timer is good or tell him he has 10 questions. Would he go and research questions on a tablet?

Do you have any involved grandparents etc who you could set up a Zoom call with? When my DD gets too much I get her to call my mum and chat nonsense to her.

@Bobbi73 nothing has ever flagged before but I guess never rule anything out. I did once speak to the gp about some strange behaviours, compulsive licking of things! He has some issues with clothing, will only wear shorts and gets itchy if he's restricted so won't wear waterproofs. Will give it some thought.

@2021ishere2021 one to one time is trickier at the moment with lockdown. If we're out one to one he's lovely, but at home he'd still be pretty demanding.

Thank you all, I feel better just writing it all down!

Some ideas...

An activity Jar - write things/ideas etc out in a jar and he picks one at the time you need some peace (just make sure it's something he can't come and nag you about!)

Treasure hunt/riddle hunt - my mum used to do this for me. Basically write little notes that give clues for the next location and hide them round the house and garden, I used to love this and it certainly kept me entertained and remember my mam used to wash up or cook while I was excited while I was hunting around the house!

Loose parts set up (toilet role tubes, nuts, bolts, screws, hammer, cardboard bits, tissue paper, plastic bottles/caps etc) with a science book or 'how to make' type thing so he can create but follow pre conceived ideas and make it a competition - has to do it by himself to win, adults would be cheating.

Seed planting and nurturing

Good luck, I fear I have one of these in the making and it's tough xxx

Have also found doing things or using resources that are for older children useful as they are harder to figure out

My 8 yo dd I like this, right down to the sleeping and bed wetting. The only saving grace is we've discovered her and friends can play Minecraft together in each other's realms and that's really helped.

DS is a bit like this. I find spending time with him helps and then he'll go off and do something. In normal times he's able to hang out with mates. He just needs company, so it doesn't necessarily need to be me, just someone to chat to.

Does he have an X-Box? We found that helped as they can chat with mates while they're playing. He had an iPod touch at that age so could FaceTime friends and message friends too.

DS plays a good level of football so that gets rid of some energy. Does your DS play for a team? That's a good way to wear them out.

Could you set up a timetable so he knows when you'll do stuff with him? Are you a single parent? Can DH help out by taking him to do stuff?

Do you have a trampoline? Our has been a bit of a godsend this lockdown.

Also he might respond to some sort of reward chart? We used to have a jar with marbles in and if they got say 10 there would be a treat. They could choose the treat e.g. 10 - sweets from shop 20 - comic 30 - trip to poundland etc...

Would he listen to books on Audible? He might enjoy that as obviously he can listen to books that are much more advanced than his reading age.

Mine won't play by herself either.
But I disagree that children will eventually get it
Mine has had lots of time to 'get bored' but she still won't really play by herself. The most you'll get out of her by herself is outside. Otherwise she 'hangs around' almost, behaviour gets worse, skypes someone loads and stuff.
And yes she is very sociable. She likes being with people, not by herself
Yes I get it. It gets to me at the minute because of lockdown etc