I read an interesting article from a columnist in the NT Times recently which struck a chord with me. The author discusses why she is resisting the urge to have another child - which would be a third in her case - because she feels it would take her beyond her parenting / emotional bandwidth, both as a mother and a wife. Does anyone else relate to this? Do you feel you're already beyond your bandwidth?
I have two children myself and have gone back and forth on whether to try for another for a couple of years now. I miss my kids being small - personally I love the phase up to pre school especially. I love how they are now and look forward to adventures in future but I also long for their baby and toddler days again.
But I have had a couple of miscarriages along the way to having my family, including after an IVF, needed IVF to have one child and had an anxiety filled pregnancy with my other child due to the previous miscarriages. And mine have been poor sleepers well past toddlerhood. I know I was a snappy mum at that time and also feel I missed a fair bit of the age I'm loving with my younger one now when my elder one was the same age, due to sleep deprivation and brain fog from my youngest's sleeplessness. Things I find hard about two is managing the squabbles, feeling like I give them adequate time and attention each (as much because I don't want to miss out on them, as much as because I feel they need it), the feeling that someone always needs you and the constant on-the-go feeling and the never finished to-do list that I have even with just two, and the noise and stuff! And the pressure that dealing with all this puts on my husband and I's relationship, which is good and has held up through a lot.
I know that there are so many factors that affect how much we feel we have on our plate and how much we can cope with but personally I feel I'm at my comfortable maximum parenting bandwidth with my two. It's hard to admit when I have two wonderful and healthy children with no additional needs, with a comfortable home, stable relationship and a good income. My two have their challenges - strongwilled, quite emotional etc. But they largely get on and are good mates and it's wonderful most of the time.
I envy those who manage and even thrive with more children. I envy those who are brave enough to build bigger families even when they already have more than me, maybe had a harder times with pregnancy loss etc and maybe have kids with additional needs thrown in too.
I worry I am selling myself short. I worry that I'll have a terrible time when my two are grown, when they become more independent as teenagers and when our 'nest' is finally empty. Will I regret not having more kids then, and a larger 'adult' family even later down the line? Is two kids enough? Is one sibling each enough for me kids?
But in all honesty, I feel I would be compromising my mental wellbeing and potentially my ability to be as good a mum as possible to the kids I have now if I was to have another (and what if it was twins??!) And I never had these worries when we were trying for our youngest.
Sorry for the ramble but I just needed to get it all out and see if anyone else ever felt that same?